"C" is for ..............

Communication

Unless you are a recluse that has devoted yourself to a life of solitude you will frequently be required to communicate with others.  If this applies to you then please read on.  If, however, you are a recluse ….. well, you probably don’t have a computer much less an internet connection so it would be kind of pointless to tell you anything here.  But it would not surprise me in the least if you told me that an overly large percentage of hermits have ADHD.  I guess the solitude could be tolerable with all the voices in our head to keep us company.  

There are as many ways to communicate as there are people to communicate with in this world.  But all forms of communication have one common requirement, someone to be on the receiving end of the communication.  The most common form is verbal of course, which requires the receiving party to have functional hearing.  There’s visual, which requires sight.  Then, of course, there’s the written word ….. and pictures and movies and video and computers and internet and holographic imaging …….. the list is quite long and growing faster than I can type.  Another common requirement of communication to successfully occur is for both parties to share a familiar language.  Primitive Man grunted and gestured with various body parts.  Later he evolved and drew pictographs on cave walls.  Today we not only have many different languages spanning the globe but, depending on the geography, there might be several different dialects as well.  And some may bear little resemblance to the common language!  Add into the mix the various colloquialisms that are geographically unique and you begin to get a sense of what I would call the "Babble Effect".  

So given the many sensory and linguistic hurdles that exist you might agree that communicating with another individual could present a rather daunting challenge.  But we are ADHD, every day is a challenge.  We love challenge.  But wait ………. be careful what you wish for.  There is one additional aspect to communicating that, by itself, can present an insurmountable challenge to even the stoutest of heart ……………

Perception!

The definition of perception is “Becoming aware of something via the senses”.  So the way we perceive something is determined, even restricted, by how our senses function.  But even if we all had five fully functioning senses it’s not that simple.  There is another facet to our perception that is ever changing and evolving ………. experience.  With each experience we have in life our perception of the world around us is altered.  Most of the time these changes are so minute as to go unnoticed.  Sometimes they are huge and life altering.  So from the day we are born until the day we die our perception is continuously twisting, turning, changing with each experience we have.  We are creating a perception “filter” through which all future experiences must pass.  And therein lays the crux of the communication conundrum.  We don’t all have the same experiences.  Each of us is unique in countless ways, including our experiences.  Even if, at some point in our lives, we have an identical experience it will be different because our “filter” at that particular moment is different.

Thoughout our lives we are creating boundaries, walls if you will, that contain us.  But they also restrain us as well because we cannot readily see beyond them.  You can both have functional hearing, sight and speech.  You can speak and write the same language right down to the dialect and colloquialisms.  You can even have a common understanding of visual methods and gestures (use your imagination).  But if you have a different perception of the situation or circumstances ……... if you think differently ……… there is little hope that successful communication can occur.

Unless one of you is willing to move outside your box, to peek over the wall or around your filter and try to experience a different perspective.  This is not nearly as easy as it sounds, even if you are not ADHD.  It goes against our ego, our basic belief that how we perceive the world is how it exists ……. for everyone.  On the most basic level we all believe (though few will openly admit it) that our perspective is the best.  If there is one thing I have learned in my struggles with ADHD it is that my way is the best way …….. for me!  It may not be the best, easiest, fastest, most efficient way for other people because they are different.  Their knowledge and experience and skill set is different than mine and, whether my ego will accept it or not, my way may not be the best for them.  The worst boss/manager I ever worked with micro-managed down to the last detail.  His way of doing things was the best way, you couldn’t possibly find a better way.  He was right in one sense.   Considering the time and energy it took to argue with him it was always easier to just give in and do it his way.   

As you can imagine I didn’t last very long in that job.  But I did learn a valuable lesson that I have carried with me to this day.  If I ask someone to do something for me I try not to tell them how to do it.  I try to give them the end result I desire and leave it to them to accomplish the task in their own way.  So even negative experiences can alter our perspective in a positive way.  It just requires that we be willing to entertain the possibility that a perspective different from our own can exist.  We must be willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, even to be wrong.  We must find a way to peek over the walls of our “box” and be open to a new experience.  Meditation has been very helpful to me in this endeavor but it may not work for you.  But perhaps you already know that.  Perhaps you know a way that I have not experienced yet that could work better.  Perhaps you could share your experience, good or bad, so we can learn and grow together.  I’m standing on tip-toe peeking over my wall ……………………

j.d.

"C" is for ...........

Conditioning.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear someone use the word "conditioning"?  When I was a younger athlete it was the worst part of practice.  When I was in Florida it meant "cool dry air" inside.  Now-a-days the first thing that comes to mind is the rather vocal young woman on the Herbal Essence Shampoo commercials.  Now that's conditioning!  It screams out to all "wash your hair with this and have an instant orgasm"!!!  And you can do it by yourself any time, anywhere ....... even in the bathroom at work on your lunch break!  (If you get caught by the boss please leave my name out of it).


The marketing and advertising world has a profound understanding of the power of conditioning.  Through the centuries they have refined it to an art form with all the strength, durability and dazzling brilliance of a fine cut diamond.  But we all know about conditioning in this context.  In fact we can often resist the impulse to "buy it" precisely because we know their sole motivation is to separate us from our hard-earned cash as quickly and completely as possible.  Knowledge, or perhaps awareness, is our primary defense against this frontal assault.  Fortunately we become bored rather easily and the marketing geniuses are required to come up with "new and improved" ways to condition us.  So it is a constant psychological tug-of-war that keeps changing teams and playing fields in hopes of "winning".


But what if the conditioning was subtle?  What if it was done in such a way that we were not even aware it was happening?  What if it came at us from many different and unrelated sources?  And what if it was continuous and unwavering over an extremely long period of time, say 20 ........ 30 ......... even 40 years or more?  Just pondering the power of such a scenario sends a chill up my spine.  But this is the foe that an AWA (Adult with ADHD) faces on the battlefield of the brain.  And it is likely the most common cause of any failures we experience.  At the very least it is often a major contributor.


From the day we first open our eyes and let loose our first cry we are recording all of our experiences like a "nanny-cam".  But instead of just one input (video) we have up to 5 senses that we can record with (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell).  Often we record simultaneously with multiple senses, overlaying them in such a way as to compound the experience.  And any one of these "recordings" by itself can trigger a playback of the whole compounded experience either consciously, or sub-consciously.  A "conscious" playback would be a memory.  But a "sub-conscious" playback is a mechanism.  


When faced with a new experience there are only two options, we either react or respond.  They may sound like they are interchangeable terms but think about the context in which they are used ....... 


"He reacted to the medication"


"He responded to the medication"


There is definitely a difference.  Reacting tends to be more instinctual, automatic, often involuntary.  It is driven by past experience and/or repetition.  Our brain evaluates the new experience and compares it to past experiences we have had, formulating a reaction designed for survival.  The logic is that if it worked in the past it should work now.  But reacting does not allow time to consider whether the overall context has changed, or if our needs are the same as last time.  It is conditioned.  You might be surprised to learn that many of our "reactions" in adult life are driven by experiences we had as small children!  

Responding is more measured, thoughtful.  A response requires pause to consider both your needs and the context of the situation.  It weighs risks and possible outcomes.  It requires that you step outside the boundaries of conditioning and look beyond your own experience for a way to respond to the current situation.  Because of this, a response tends to be more positive, more satisfying, even if the eventual outcome is not what you desired.  With the possible exception of imminent "life or death" scenarios a response is almost always preferred over a reaction.

But throughout our lives we learn what is "normal" in society.  We are conditioned by example and through instruction from our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, bosses, coworkers ...... the list is long.  We are told we need to plan ahead, have goals, work hard, be disciplined, stay focused ...... any of this sound familiar?  The way we are taught in school places an emphasis on time and deadlines.  Our lives revolve around schedules (work week, trash pick-up day, payment due dates).  If we don't conform and perform according to "normal" expectations then we are labeled.  You know the terms ..... lazy, absent-minded, undisciplined, irresponsible, immature, etc.


It is difficult to "condition" a behavior in children.  Just ask a parent.  It can take months or even years to do so effectively.  And it is much harder to change it once it becomes habit, even if it's for the better.  But to change a behavior in an adult, when it has had decades to root and take hold can be an insurmountable challenge.  This is the conditioning the Adult with ADHD must overcome.  And this is why it is so important to identify ADHD early in life.  Not only so there are less years of conditioning to overcome, but so that the conditioning process can be appropriately adapted to be most beneficial for the child.  How we teach our children now will determine how they learn throughout their lives.  It will set the stage and provide the tools needed not only for personal growth but ultimately for teaching future generations how to respond to life's challenges.

j.d.

"C" is for ..............

Setbacks


Wait a minute, what happened to " C "?   Before you Start slinging more questions at me than I can possibly answer please remember, I have ADHD.  And with that comes a propensity to change things up mid-stream ......... often.  I don't offer this as an excuse but rather a feeble attempt at explanation.  For with awareness of the condition, and determination for change, comes a setback or two ........ hundred .... per day.  Or so it feels much of the time.  And this weekend I had another.  But it was different than what I've become accustomed to.  It was really subtle and I had to think (translation = "feel") a lot before the light went on.  It's not a bright light, just enough to be able to see my way if I squint real hard, but a light none the less.


It was the end of an incredibly stressful week.  You know the kind, where nothing goes as planned, you're in constant demand and you're expected to be more flexible than Gumby in a sauna?  Or so it seemed to me.  Finally it was almost over on Friday evening.  I had just finished a meeting in which I promised to have revisions to financial statements turned around by Monday.  It was a good meeting (one success) and I was wiped out and ready to crash.  I had done good by not over-promising (revisions over the weekend would have been the norm).  Another small success.  Then I got a second wind and decided to get the revisions done while they were fresh in mind (yet another success?).  I had made copious notes (another small success which has become habit) and could have easily completed the work Monday morning but I thought it would be nice to not have it nagging in the back of my mind all weekend (another success?).  It would be really nice to be able to focus on stuff I wanted to do at home for a change without worrying about work.  I got the revisions done, emails sent and went home feeling relaxed for the first time this week.  I was going to bask in my success .......


Well it sounded good in my head.  Now it's Sunday night and I've spent most of the weekend doing, well, I can't really remember and I'm feeling confused and a bit queasy.  It felt like no matter how hard I tried to do what I wanted to do I couldn't quite get myself to do it.  I thought that was only supposed to happen with things I "had" to do?   Like work or finances or family or ......... Groan!  There's that feeling again, anxiety.  Because I didn't do what I wanted?  But it was leisure time I missed.  Relaxation, hobby time, the stuff you do to relax that it doesn't matter if you finish or stick to a schedule.  It's a "journey" thing, you're not really supposed to actually finish it are you?  Aagh!!!

Sometimes Zen can be really frustrating!  But I'm keeping the faith.  I meditated on it for a couple days and I think I came up with something.  For quite some time now I've been working hard at keeping on top of the usual suspects (work, finances, family obligations).  Most, if not all, the failures and upheavals in my life have been in these areas.  The resulting fallout over the years has consumed all of my attention and energy leaving precious little for much else.  So you could say I've been rather vigilant in this respect, pouncing on them if they show even the slightest hint of "going astray".  This I would classify as an unqualified success in my battle with ADHD.  An unanticipated result of that success is that I have more time for "me", more time to spend doing things that I "don't have to do".  I've never really had much time for that, at least not where I was able to be fully engaged .... focused.  And if I did not get to do something for "me" it was always because I was dealing with the fall-out from the "other stuff".  So my ADHD was never able to visibly manifest in my subjective life.  Now I have the time and energy to devote to "me" and I've learned something new ........ ADHD is truly a neutral condition, an equal opportunity burden.  It will present an equal challenge in all areas of my life, for the rest of my life.  Yet again awareness has sneaked up on me and slapped me on the back of the head ......... and the light just got a little brighter.

j.d.

"C" is for .........................

Change


This is a big one.  When an adult learns they have ADHD, once they get past the requisite emotional reactions, they must begin formulating some kind of response to this life altering awareness.  There are only two possibilities .......

do nothing      or      Change.

Both are extreme responses with a vast expanse in between in which to swim ...... or drown.  Doing nothing is the easiest and most natural way for us to respond.  There are certainly no shortage of ways to distract ourselves from the stark reality that no matter how hard we may try we will never be able to conform to society's definition of "normal".  And our ability to resist succumbing to the most mundane distraction is weak on a good day.  But allowing ourselves to be lured away from the truth in such fashion is tantamount to "treading water".  And the fact is that no matter how long you can tread water eventually you will need to be rescued or you will sink and drown.  The only real variable here is whether or not you will have any company on the way down.


In keeping with this metaphor, change would be swimming.  But in which direction?  Which way will lead to success and a better life?   This choice, in hindsight, is the biggest challenge.  While you're trying to decide you must tread water, leaving yourself vulnerable to distraction.  So what is the answer to the "direction" question?

It doesn't matter......JUST START SWIMMING!


But what if you head out in the wrong direction?  It doesn't matter, you can figure it out as you go.  You can change direction.  You can even choose later to stop and tread water again, though I wouldn't recommend it.  A basic principal of Physics states that a body at rest will tend to remain at rest while a body in motion will tend to remain in motion ...... until acted upon by an outside force.  To overcome the inertia of either state, to move an object at rest or to stop an object in motion, requires the greatest amount of force.  Significantly less force is required to change the speed or direction of an object while in motion.  The object is obviously you.  The outside force here is choice.  Even if you make the wrong choice when you start out, the laws of physics would suggest it's easier to change direction while you are moving.  I remember learning to drive a stick shift in my Uncle's old shop truck which had no power steering.  It took both hands on the wheel, both feet planted firmly, and all my considerable body weight to turn that wheel while at a stop.  Interestingly enough once the truck was moving I could steer easily with a light touch of one hand.  Physics in action my friends.


Those of you who have been following me these past few months know that I have been struggling with ADHD all of my life, though I only became aware of it about 3 or 4 years ago.  When faced with the "choice" I opted to swim.  This choice was a bit easier than it might have been as I had the support of my therapist/coach, the individual responsible for facilitating my awareness.  As I began to tread water he, in his own subtle way, coaxed me into moving.  And shortly after I made my first wrong choice, the first of many ......... and I know there will be many many more before my time in this world is done.  I set out to affect major change in my life.  Once I decided to start swimming I set out strong and fast, eyes fixed hard on the horizon.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  Normally I would say that's a good thing, at least that's what I said a couple paragraphs ago, right? 

My mistake wasn't in my choice of what to do, but to whom it would be done.  I embarked on an educational odyssey, reading every book I could find, browsing every website.  I Googled and Binged so much I felt like Ricochet Rabbit on speed!  Whatever made sense (translation...was logical) I retained and discarded the rest.  I then took my new-found knowledge and proceeded to "educate" my family on why I am the way I am and what they could do to make life better for all of us.  If they could change the way they interact with me, be more aware of my "differences", be more patient and tolerant of my temper and moods..........


You get the point.  To most it would seem easier to change oneself than to try to alter the many people we interact with throughout our lives.  But from my perspective, I knew on some level that affecting tangible change in me ..... well, the odds were stacked severely against me.  And when was the last time you saw a "long-shot" win the race?  The challenge as I saw it was in the root of ADHD, attention deficit.  I read somewhere many years ago that it takes at least 30 contiguous days of repetition to form a lasting habit.  On a good day I might be able to muster 30 minutes.  What hope did I have of affecting a change in myself?  Much easier to toss the burden, along with an enticing benefit, to those with a greater chance of success, right?  Wow, was I ever wrong!  On so many levels there's not enough time or space to review them all here.  


After a time (and much coaching/therapy) I realized that I had to change.  But how?  My basement is piled with boxes of self improvement books and tapes and videos.  I've probably spent thousands of dollars over the years on programs to help me develop winning mindsets and successful practices.  Of all the posts on this blog I hope my wife misses this one.  One of her biggest complaints about me is that I never get rid of anything.  I'm a pack-rat!  I confess, guilty as charged.  (If she sees this I'll never hear the end of it).  But in my defense, when I do clean house I tend to throw the baby out with the bath water.  "Honey, I'm terrified I might accidentally throw you out with the boxes..."  


This led to another difficult decision for me, medication.  After much discussion with my coach, my doctor and a psychologist I decided to try pharmaceutical treatment.  But not as a permanent solution.  I was not ready to accept what in my eyes was defeat just yet.  My plan was to find a medication that would help me focus long enough to develop the habits and skills I would need to live successfully with ADHD.  Once satisfied that I could function satisfactorily without the meds I would discontinue them.  

Thus began a two and a half year odyssey over mountains, under oceans and everywhere in between.  There were successes and failures, benefits and side effects, elation and depression.  An inconceivable eternity that, in looking back, was little more than the blink of an eye.  I did eventually find a tolerable mix of medications that worked.  But I attribute much of my success to date to another difficult choice I made along this journey, to allow myself to lean on the support given by others.  While I am often quick to offer help to others I will seldom ask for it even when it's truly needed.  I am continually surprised at how willing others are to help without judgment.  It has been their steadying hand and encouragement that have often kept me moving.  And a few times when I felt beaten and just wanted to tread water, they swam with me or carried me on their shoulders for a bit.  The experience, though profoundly humbling, is also enlightening ....... Zen again. 

j.d.    

"B" is for......................

Birth


When someone asks your birthday most would respond with the month and date.  We tend to think of birthdays as an annual occurrence, each an event in its own right.  Some would respond with the month, date and year referencing the day they were brought forth into this life as a singular event.  And still others would refer you to a specific turning point in their life, a time when their life changed so dramatically they felt reborn.  Generally this last one is the province of religious converts and/or reformed alcoholics and addicts.  But I would hope that some day in the not-so-distant future we could add another group to this list.................adults with ADHD.


Now if you've read any of my previous posts you will probably be raising your eyebrows or scratching your head.  For me there was no "A-HA" moment, no blinding flash of light.  But for many, when they find the right treatment or prescription, it is just that ..... like someone flipped on a switch.  Those individuals will likely remember the month, date and year when this happened.........just like the day they were born.  And in a sense, they were.  There is a stark contrast between life before and life after for many.  But flipping the switch is only part of the challenge.  


For some, life begins anew, like they've been given a clean slate.  They can find a new job, new mate, renew old relationships.  They can start building from the ground up.  For others, like myself, rebuilding is the single most daunting challenge of our life.  Before we can even start planning our new life we must repair the damage done in our prior life.  Not in the metaphysical sense of "prior lives", but prior to becoming aware of our ADHD.  A common result of undiagnosed ADHD in the adult is that we tend to leave quite a bit of damage in our wake.  Financial damage in the form of overwhelming debts, liens, collection accounts and judgments is common.  As is emotional damage such as failed relationships/marriages, lost friendships, estranged family, etc.  And employment  history is rarely stable.  What do you do if you look back at your prior life and see a path strewn with the castoff and debris resulting from your lack of focus and poor choices?  Wrestling with your sense of obligation and responsibility, you wonder how you can possibly repair all the damage you've left in your wake.  How do you reconcile your conscience and character with the deep desire to begin anew?


One teeny tiny step at a time.  This is one of the most daunting challenges for me.  I've spent much of my life in the pursuit of instant gratification.  Not surprising given my rather short attention span.  But then if you're reading this you already know that.  In spite of the damage I've done throughout my life, or perhaps because of it, I feel a very strong need to make things right.  To accept responsibility for my actions and make good on my obligations.  Something that will likely take a lot of time and tremendous motivation to accomplish for sure.  Oddly enough the source of motivation came as quite a surprise to me.  It's my kids.  


I know it's cliche to talk about wanting more for your kids than you had yourself.  Heck, it's cliche to talk in cliches.  But as I watch my kids grow and mature (much too fast!) I can't help but wonder what kind of father I have been to them.  I read an excerpt from an article recently that was written by a gentleman who became aware of his ADHD late in life, well after his kids were grown and independent.  He talked about being an absentee parent.  He had learned coping devices to help him succeed at work but they did not carry over into family.  When I consider my role in family I can't help wonder if I have also been an absentee parent.  Sure I'm there to take them to the doctor when they are sick.  I coached their pee-wee soccer teams and little league.  Now they are older and play in scholastic sports I try to make it to an occasional match but it's difficult in this economy to juggle work and family.  I try to teach them discipline and respect though it usually devolves into an argument or shouting match (if you have teenagers you understand) and I never quite know "who won".  I try to involve them in things I love to do, exposing them to new things, though they show little interest.  I've even tried getting them to teach me some of the things they are interested in.  Have you tried learning the new video games?  It ain't Pac-man for sure!  They learned to ski by the age of three, largely thanks to my parents, and they love the sport.  But it still, like most everything else, takes a back seat to social events or just hanging out with their friends.  I'm feeling their childhood slip through my fingers so fast I can't even see it go.  It's like trying to hold air in your hands and it's scary.  

I look back on my life and all that it could have been, all the mistakes I made ......... the damage in my wake.  I can reason that this is a natural part of life and that my kids will have trials of their own.  I know I can't shield them from life, much as I try.  But have I done my best to equip them with the knowledge and tools to cope with life on their own?  Have I lived up to my responsibility as a parent?  Even when I was there, was I really "there"?  The answer to that question in most cases was a resounding NO!  Even though I was physically there it was very difficult to be engaged in the present moment (that's zen, right?).  My body was there but my mind was a gazillion miles away racing through space and time...............


Over the past couple years I have learned a couple things about myself and ADHD.  Count this as one of those little successes, a teeny tiny step if you will.  I find it easy to engage one on one in a secure surrounding.  More than one person and it's a challenge to even keep up with the conversation much less anything else.  So for the most part family outings have been mentally grueling, physically draining events that quickly reduce me to an edgy, snapping, stressed out control fiend.  I found little in the way of pleasure where for years I felt I should (the bar was set so high it was out of reach).  Just the mention of an upcoming gathering was enough start me spiraling in.  There must be something seriously wrong with me!  Then a truly wonderful thing happened while driving my son home from a Lacrosse match ........... we talked.  I mean it was this incredible conversation.  It wasn't about anything profound and maybe that's the point.  We were just talking.  The 10 minute ride home felt like hours.  Time slowed, background faded.  So this is what it's like to be "in the present", to be engaged in the moment and connect with another human being.  The conversation may not have been profound but the experience ............. 

awesome!!!

Since then I've been experimenting with this and I have had both good and bad experiences.  I am less of an absentee father and husband, and my wife and kids seem to talk to me more about their daily lives.  I feel like I have more "calm" than "chaos" these days.  And I still know that tonight's dinner will be a struggle.  We're celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary and of course we are going to a very nice restaurant.  Then again maybe it won't be such a struggle.  My expectations are different, the bar reset.  So perhaps I've learned something.  It's no "giant leap for mankind"......... but it sure is a powerful motivator.

j.d.

"B" is for..........

Battle !!!

The bombardment of stimulus, non-stop barrage of thoughts, distractions clamoring for attention like fists of fury beating at my brain's door........the battle of daily life with ADHD.  Some days it truly feels like a battle, the campaign waged moment to moment, on a battlefield hidden from view inside my head.  Though I regularly make positive progress it is often microscopically minute, difficult to see unless viewed in the context of a much longer period of time.  Sometimes the progress can only be identified as a slight deceleration of the backward slide.  But on rare occasions it's not only visible, it's visceral.  

Kind of like the car accident I very nearly had this morning.  It was raining a bit, making the roads just slick enough to warrant caution though few, if any, pay much heed.  I was driving through town while talking with my wife on the cell phone (arrest me, I was not on "hands-free").  The car in front of me, driven by a young woman talking on her cell phone (how dare she!), had just cut me off at the Yield sign.  As I followed her, letting fly a few choice expletives, she slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting the car that was now running the next Yield sign in front of her.  As I choked on "*&$%#!@!" it was promptly replaced (into my wife's ear of course) by "oh sh*t, Oh Sh*t, OH SH*T..............."

Thank goodness for ABS brakes (and the helping hand that MUST have come to my aid) as I shuddered to a stop just inches from her rear bumper.  Afterward, while pondering the experience, I marveled at how much that one moment seemed to parallel my life.  I struggle and strive to improve life for myself and those around me and yet, almost on a daily basis, I feel a sense of the inevitable bearing down unwavering upon me.  Events set in motion years ago coming straight at me.  It has me square in its sights and is on a collision course.  My mind is racing, eyes casting about for escape routes, calculating and discarding options at light speed...........


It's all for naught.  Though I have learned to accept that placing myself in its path was, and always is, within my control the end result of this chain of events set in motion quite often is not.  I chose this path.  I chose to participate.  I chose to act in a potentially unsafe manner with full knowledge of the impact my actions could have.  I chose, perhaps unwittingly, to set this machine in motion.  And in the panic of realizing I was powerless to evade the inevitable, instinct took over and .......... I asked for help.  While my wife was hearing "OH SH*T" I heard myself thinking "please help me".  


Who was I asking for help?  Where did I think it was going to come from?  In what form?  I don't know.  It wasn't like I had a plan to ask, there was no conscious intent or envisioned result.  It just happened.  Some part of me saw the events unfolding and decided to step up on my behalf and do what I would have ordinarily never considered.... asked for help.  And the really scary part is it was given.  

Now we could forever debate whether or not I actually received some form of external assistance in that particular moment of crisis.  But regardless of which side of the debate you align with it does present some interesting parallels with the battles waged by the adult with ADHD.  Even in the darkest of times when I feel like I've exhausted all options and possibilities of success, when I ask for help it is most often granted.  Rarely is it in the form I had envisioned or hoped for, and often I am unaware of its occurrence.  I'm so wrapped up in the crisis of the moment that I'm oblivious to all else.  But the more I look back over times of crisis it is fairly clear that there was some outside influence on events as they unfolded.  Which leads me, and perhaps some of you, to the conclusion that there is a higher power at work in our lives.  Some may call it God, Allah, Vishnu or some other identifiable deity.  Others may believe it is a higher self or soul.  And still others will call it Angels or Guardians.  All personifications of sorts.  Personally I'm still struggling with this part.  But however you choose to envision it , and even if you choose not to, you have to admit that there is a force at work around us that is at once both greater than us and incomprehensible.  And this is the point where many discussions turn to "faith".


Faith means different things to different people.  Though a bit cliche I doubt anyone would disagree on this point.  But I will save that debate for the "F" postings.  I have dismissed faith in most forms for much of my life, ascribing it to those too lazy or fearful to make their own way in this world.  Sounds like a "logical" conclusion, right?  But even Albert Einstein, whom many would agree to be one of the most logical minds in human history, professed in his latter years to being a deeply spiritual man.  Shortly before his death he was quoted:

A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive

I printed the quote in its entirety as I found it to deter any concerns of misrepresentation.  Though it's not the entire quote, but the first three sentences, that intrigue me the most.  And perhaps contain a key to a means of better managing the "battle".  Perhaps by finding a way to look beyond the confluence of chaos in our head we might experience the profound immensity of the universe beyond our ourselves and, in looking back within, glimpse our own connection.  Some would say this knowledge alone could be liberating.  One can hope.  The challenge is not in attaining the knowledge of this experience, the destination if you will.  The challenge is finding a path that can lead you there.  How do you get past the "battlefield" to find the path beyond?

The answer will be different for each individual.  As for myself, at this time, I am placing my faith in meditation.  So far it seems to at least get me off the battlefield and into the woods.  I can still hear the fading sounds of the raging battle in the distance, and it gets darker as I venture deeper into the woods, but for the moment I have faith that a path exists somewhere in here.  Hopefully, I will stumble upon it in this lifetime.  I offer this not as a prescription but as my own experience.  What works for me will likely not work for others.  So I am, as always, open to alternatives and interested in your experiences as well.  I hope that you will share yours with us.

j.d.

Alas.......Another "A"

Please forgive me as I beg your indulgence for a few moments.  When I set out on this journey called "blog" it was my intent to spend a couple weeks writing about different aspects of life as an adult with ADHD that began with a particular letter of the alphabet.  A bit hokey perhaps but the "alphabet" provided a bit of structure that could be helpful in keeping me focused.  And the idea did occur intuitively and, for better or worse, I am learning to follow my intuition wherever it may lead.  


It has now been almost 6 weeks since I started this blog and I am still working on the "A's". Upon reflection I have decided there are two reasons for this.  First, but the lesser reason, there are more "A" words than I had anticipated (many suggested to me by family, friends and colleagues).  So, being the adaptable individual that I am, I have adapted my original premise to spend more or less time on a particular "letter" as it may require.  Your suggestions and ideas will also help determine the time allotment.  Second, and the primary cause for this digression from the plan is.....SUPRISE!!!.....I have ADHD.  Nobody was more surprised than me at this one.  But I will endeavor to persevere.  So please bear with me as I delve into yet another "A"...........


Alternatives


Typically when one becomes aware of their ADHD they first look to the medical community for help and direction.  This is where they will come into contact with many learned professionals, some of which I have mentioned in earlier postings.  They will read books, search websites, talk with doctors, psychologists and therapists.  They will quickly learn about all the pharmaceuticals available to "treat" ADHD like Strattera, Ritalin, Concerta, and Adderall to name a few.  Those who are predisposed to the natural lifestyle will most certainly begin their search outside of the pharmaceutical arena.  But the vast majority of adults who have been raised in our western health culture will look to nature only after exhausting all other medical options, if at all.  Falling into this category myself, and having had limited success with pharmaceuticals, I am now beginning to research more natural alternatives to "meds".  

Now when it comes to a more natural lifestyle I am admittedly ignorant.  I occasionally partake of the local fast food franchise (though my kids will tell you I live on the stuff).  I have an occasional sweet treat (okay, I tend to binge on sugar more often than I care to admit).  And I enjoy a fine cigar with a good single-batch bourbon now and then (every man needs a vice).  Truth be told, I will often choose "quick and convenient" over healthy whenever available.  So you could say I don't pay a whole lot of attention to how I treat my "temple".  But I do try to be open-minded and am willing to learn.  So it may come as a surprise that I have little to say on today's topic.  I am turning the podium over to you, the experts, hoping that you will help shorten my (and others) learning curve on this one.  As we are all aware, focus is a problem and anything with a longer learning curve will fade into oblivion and dis-use rather quickly.

In closing there is one thing that quickly becomes painfully and frustratingly obvious to me in the search for "alternative treatments".  The path is more convoluted and branched than the neural pathways of the human brain............and there is little in the way of help or guidance available, leaving us to our own wits to discern the beneficial from the bogus.

So if you have tried an "alternative treatment" for your ADHD please tell us about your thoughts and experience.  If you are considering an alternative but are unsure or would like more information please ask us.  Perhaps you will get feedback from those who have experience with it.  As always, it is my intent for this blog to be a safe haven for sharing, learning and healing.   I welcome comments and questions so please share with us.

j.d.

"A" is for................

Addiction.

Let's play word association.  I say "addiction", you say........

(pause for your answer)

Just hearing the word conjures several images, all dark and negative.  What was the first word that popped into your head?  For most people, myself included, the first word that comes to mind is drugs.  Alcohol probably runs a close second with sex or food vying for third.  And like many adults living with ADHD I have, to some degree, had my run-ins with all of them.  Since becoming aware of my ADHD I have spent a great deal of time reviewing my life and contemplating its impact on myself and those around me.  Much of my experience with the addictions above occurred in my earlier adult life, in my late teens and twenties.  

Now to be clear, I do not consider myself to have ever been an addict in the traditional sense and it is not my intent to marginalize the addict.  I have never been physically or emotionally dependent on a substance.  Nor have I found myself craving the "high" at the expense of physical safety and security (though, on occasion, I still enjoy a good "adrenaline rush").  Though addiction in the traditional sense does seem to affect a larger than average number of Adults With ADHD (AWA), the addiction reference I would like to examine here is more subtle in nature, more intimate.  The addiction I struggle with is mental.  I can't label it "psychological" or "emotional" because I am not a qualified medical practitioner or therapist and I do not wish to cross the hair-thin line upon which I am tip-toeing at the moment.  Perhaps I should have some form of disclaimer prominently posted.  I'll have to give that some consideration.  But I digress (it's a flaw).  

I call it "mental", not in the descriptive sense we used the word as kids ("that stunt he pulled was mental....) but rather "of the mind".  I've mentioned in prior posts that I have spent most of my life evaluating everything, all experiences, from a logical perspective.  I have always attempted to "think it through" or "reason it out" or, my personal favorite, "make sense of it".  Make sense of it.  Now there's an oxymoron.  Sense is something more readily associated with feelings and sensations.  It's less tangible, more ethereal, more.........gut.  And yet it is commonly used as a descriptive for the application of logic and reason.  And therein lies both the cause, and by-product, of my addiction.

I remember reading an article a long time ago that recounted how a large truck had become stuck under an overpass because it's payload was just a couple inches too tall.  Before long the road had been closed, there were police and fire personnel redirecting traffic to alternate routes, and several engineers and DOT crews had been dispatched to figure out how to get the truck out of its current predicament.  Several hours were spent trying to find a way to dislodge the truck and it was finally decided that the payload would have to be dismantled, taken off the truck and reloaded onto another truck for re-routing around the overpass.  Then the "now unstuck truck" could simply drive on.  During all of this a crowd of onlookers had gathered and it was at this moment a young boy leaned over to his father and whispered "why don't they just let some air out of the tires?".

Like the experts in the story above, I quite often fall into the trap of making the assumption that the optimum solution to any problem is necessarily complicated.  Even my description is complex.  I could certainly have said "the answer is never simple", couldn't I?  Often a tremendous amount of energy is spent arriving at these solutions.  Theories are hypothesized, prospective solutions tested, failures analyzed. And just as often there is a simple solution that is equally effective.  And there is where I start to wonder why.  Why do I jump right into the complex without first considering the simple (it's not always obvious)?  Does the desire for a complex solution come from the Ego?  Do we need to exhibit our mental prowess in search of validation?  Is it an attempt to set ourselves apart, superior to our competition (survival of the fittest)?  Or is it a primordial appendage we refuse to consider extraneous and obsolete (even though it might be)?  

Or is it simply a distraction................a diversion of energy and focus from what's really important?  Regardless of which answer is right, the results for the AWA (Adult With ADHD) are the same.......... failure on some level.  

So let's not get distracted debating which is right when we agree on the outcome.  We get ourselves so wrapped up in the distraction that we completely forget what we were supposed to be doing when the distraction caught our attention.  And the "important" thing does not get done, or worse, it get's done sloppily in our haste to complete it as soon after the missed deadline as possible.  If we're lucky there was a reminder before the deadline.  But more often it's the sudden realization that the deadline is past that spurs us into panicked overdrive.  And like it or not, I seem to be addicted to the varied distractions that cause this problem.  Or perhaps it is the adrenaline rush that comes with the recognition of the problem.  Or maybe it is the state of "hyper-focus" that this distraction may induce (bliss for the AWA).  Or perhaps it's not the addiction at all, but the fear that the addiction helps me to avoid.  But then it would be more "denial" than "distraction" wouldn't it?  I'll have to dive deeper into that one another time.  It's a lot to consider.  I'd like to hear your thoughts.........if you're not too distracted.

j.d.

"A" is for.............

Anxiety.   

This is an easy one to identify, though for me it is hard to write about.  Anxiety is quite often the gateway to "awareness" for ADHD.  It's also a big energy sucker that often contributes to the "anger" experience I've spoken of in an earlier post.  Talk about your symbiotic relationship.......isn't it neat how they all help each other?

All sarcasm aside (well maybe not all of it), growing anxiety often causes people to seek out professionals who are able to help them identify its root cause.  In the process, they may identify ADHD as a suspect or potential contributor.  There are two reasons I know this.  First, anxiety (and its oft associated depression) are what drove me to seek the help of a professional who fairly quickly suspected and screened for ADHD.  Second, a common pronouncement in all of the books and studies I have read since then is that ADHD rarely presents as a solo act.  Either it's masked by other conditions (i.e. bi-polar disorder) or it contributes to the manifestation of other conditions (i.e. anxiety, depression).

If, like me, you have spent most of your life processing everything with the logical side of your brain (trying to "make sense" of it) discovering you may be affected to some degree by ADHD will launch you on an educational odyssey.  Some of you may be a bit confused by my seeming lack of conviction when it comes to the diagnosis of ADHD.  This is because I have learned it is not a condition that is easily diagnosed.  In fact, I'm not certain that it actually can be "diagnosed" at all.  There are no definitive tests nor readily identifiable markers, you can't see it on a CAT scan or MRI.  Most of the tools used in identifying ADHD are cognitive screens and psychological profiles used in combination with a detailed personal history.  Also, identifying other neurological and/or psychological conditions (i.e. depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety) that studies have shown often present along with ADHD can be an indication of its presence.  As far as I have been able to learn, ADHD is one of those afflictions (hmm, a word for my next post perhaps?) that can only be "confirmed" after administration of a successful treatment has occurred.  Sort of like confirming diagnosis of a bacterial infection after antibiotics have been administered and discovering the infection "is cured".  That might cause a bit of anxiety, don't you think?


But that is what I would refer to as "secondary anxiety".  It happens after you discover you might have ADHD.  The anxiety I started this post with, the type that can consume a person and condemn them to a lifetime of fear and misery, is more directly associated with the life situations caused by the ADHD.  Using myself as an example, the two biggest causes of anxiety in my life have been "money" and "forgetfulness".  I put these "words" in quotations because they are the mainstream labels that are often applied to the "symptoms" of ADHD, but they are not the real problem.  Just like the oft misquoted biblical passage, "money" is not the root of all evil, it is "the love of money that is the root of all evil".  And "forgetfulness" is often construed as a lack of caring or concern. 


Take the "money" problem for instance.  It could be the obvious "lack" of money.  Or it could be overwhelming debt.  Or buyer's remorse (on steroids).  It could also be irresponsible generosity.  There are more that I can't think of at the moment I'm sure.  So it presents many obstacles, each of which by itself might be easily overcome.  But when you throw them together in combination they present a very potent combo.  Where do you start?  How do you juggle them all, balancing the energy between them?  It's like being forced to juggle 8 balls when you're still trying to figure out how to keep 2 in the air.  You are going to drop one.  And while you stoop to pick it up........2 more drop.  And while you're retrieving them.........they throw 2 more into the mix, now you're trying to juggle 10..........can someone please stop this carousel, I think I'm going to be sick!


That was easy (oops, sarcasm).  Now for the really hard stuff.  Let's layer "forgetfulness" on top of the "money" shall we?  Here's the scenario..........


You create a debt burden through a combination of the following........you drop out of college and bounce from one job to the next living week to week........you lend next month's rent to a friend who needs it "bad".........you buy a car you can't afford (on an easy payment plan) with money you don't have........you use Visa to buy food and gas because you've spent all your cash already (the credit companies love this one).........and now you have to "manage" your monthly bills, which you "forgot" about while you were doing all of the above.  You have to juggle the money you don't have to pay the bills you wish you hadn't incurred.........

and in through your door strolls "forgetfulness".  You "forget" to pay the credit card bill.......or the car payment.....or the mortgage payment........it really doesn't matter which domino tips first.  By the time you realize what is happening you are in the midst of a full-scale cascade.........or maybe "avalanche" is more descriptive.  Many would label the forgetfulness as "denial" or "absent-mindedness" or "irresponsibility".  You didn't just drop one ball this time...............and while you're looking up for the next ball to drop, you realize that all 12 are bouncing around your ankles.  And as you're looking down in horror the one you forgot thunks you squarely on top of your head.  Yowch!

But the plain truth is that a major part of ADHD is an inability to manage anything long-term.  Long-term requires focus, and focus is something found only on our wish list.........if we're able to focus long enough to create one.  "Long-term" for many of us can be defined in terms of hours, not days or weeks.  The import of focus to ADHD can be readily seen in this affliction's name "Attention Deficit".  It is such an important part of ADHD that it is given a full 50% of this "disorder's" name.....and its first name at that.  As for me, I have the attention span of a gnat conversing with a flea at a three ring circus on the 4th of July during fireworks.  How the [@#!$%&*] am I supposed to remember to pay a bill that's due 30 days from now?!!  And, as inevitably happens, when I miss the due date another ball is thrown into the juggling.....penalties and higher interest rates which increase future payments due.....more financial pressure.  Which inexorably causes............


ANXIETY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


So, is there a way off this carousel.......or do we keep spinning faster and faster until, no longer having the strength to hold on, we are flung unconscious into the open arms of oblivion?  (I know, a bit dramatic).  Possibly.  It depends on the individual I think.  It depends on their desire to change, their commitment meet the challenge, the strength of their support network and most importantly....awareness.  I can have little, if any, impact on the first three.  But it is my hope that this blog can help raise awareness for those adults who are living with ADHD and not aware of it.  To provide a resource for information, education and support.  I don't profess to have all the answers, only my own experience.  I hope that many will share their experience here as well so that we may all benefit and learn from each other.  I also hope this blog can become a resource to the family, friends and colleagues surrounding the ADHD adult, that it may provide a deeper understanding and insight into the struggles and challenges that are a part of our daily lives.  I hope that, over time, this blog will provide.......hope.

j.d.  

"A" is for............

Anger!     
Well, maybe that's a bit strong, but agitation isn't quite strong enough.  Or perhaps what starts out as an irritation simmers through agitation until it boils over into anger.  Yep, that's the ticket.  Many who are unfamiliar with ADHD would say "he's got a short temper".  And I might be inclined to agree if it weren't for all the failed attempts at stress/anger management over the years.  There are a multitude of courses and programs available to help one learn how to manage the stress and anger in their lives.  They span the spectrum from the Mayo Clinic's "10 Ways To Tame Your Temper" to "Dr. Joe's Online Anger Management Class" (yes, it's real).  There's even a 5 minute anger management course on You-Tube, perfect for the ultra-short attention span of ADHD!  

I kid you not.  In fact, I think that many of these plans should have a disclaimer like you see your favorite cereal box.  You know, "Eating this cereal will reduce your risk of heart disease * ".  But wait, what's that " * " at the end mean?  That directs you to the fine print at the bottom of the box (better get your microscope out) that further clarifies this claim.... "a diet that includes at least 3 grams of soluble fiber from whole grain foods, like this cereal, and is low in saturated fat and includes moderate exercise 2 - 3 times a week can lower the risks associated with heart disease".  So is it the cereal that lowers my risk or are they just tagging along with the healthy lifestyle?

Now I do believe there are worthwhile programs that have helped more than the occasional person successfully manage their stress and anger.  But show me something worthwhile and successful and I'll show 50 knock-off wannabees that will "absolutely guarantee you the world or your money back, for just 3 easy payments of $29.99 (plus shipping and handling).  And if it doesn't work just return it and keep the free bonus squishy ball as a thank you just for trying it out!"  Just a touch of cynicism here.

But what if your anger isn't born out of the usual stressors?  What if it isn't caused by looming deadlines, financial worries or the arrogant bastard you call "boss"?  What if you're 90% of the way to "BOOM" before the "usual" stressors even start?  Could you see how that might make it appear to most as a "hair trigger" temper?  Welcome to the wonderful world of ADHD.

One aspect that has been particularly difficult for me in managing my life with ADHD is sensory sensitivity.  For example, bright lights, bright colors, anything visually bright can be more than a bit irritating for me.  I'm not just talking about the obvious, like walking down the Vegas Strip at night.  Even something ordinarily as serene as watching the multitude of birds that visit my feeders every morning can give me a headache.  Try to imagine.....Cardinals, Gold Finches, Blue Jays, Red Winged Blackbirds, Red Bellied Woodpeckers, House Finches (purple), Purple Martins...........all the colors of the rainbow flitting and flapping, chirping and squawking, smacking my eyes all at once..........before my first cup of coffee!  

But sounds are the worst.  I can't remember the last time I was able to truly enjoy, I mean be totally wrapped up in, a nice lunch or dinner out with my wife.  Or anyone for that matter.  I find it nearly impossible to focus on the conversation with the person across the table from me.  A restaurant is the ultimate distraction pool for ADHD.  There's 25 different conversations happening simultaneously, between 50 different people, all within earshot.  It rivals even Christmas Eve Dinner at my in-laws where, in its heyday, around 50 people sat at one long table carrying on 20 different conversations in 2 different languages........with those at the opposite end of the table.  In the early years for me, and I say this with the utmost affection and respect, the meal's second course was usually Excedrine.  But why is this a problem?  Because I am compelled to listen in on at least 6 of the surrounding conversations at any given moment.  And it's not just background noise, it's like I'm participating in each conversation (all 6 of them), simultaneously, with full comprehension.  Which makes it very difficult to concentrate on the one I truly want to be participating in.  Sensory overload.

So it's not too much of a stretch to comprehend how much energy it can take to manage the sensory overload that is a large part of the ADHD experience.  Which doesn't leave much left over to manage the "usual" stressors that "normal" life throws at you.  And when left over energy runs out ............."BOOM".

So what to do about this?  How do I keep from unleashing this ADHD-osaurus Rex on it's next random victim?  There is no silver bullet, no one size fits all solution to this dilemma, and it can't be cured overnight either.  Rather it is through a combination of patience, persistence and good old fashioned faith that I believe one can prevail.  But wait a minute.....these three things are characteristically absent from the ADHD personality.  Which is why there is one more key ingredient needed in the formula that will allow one to successfully manage a life with ADHD ..............help.


It is a rare individual indeed who can surmount this challenge solo.  To my knowledge, no person has ever summited Mt. Everest alone.  And so it is with ADHD.  In my last post I spoke about "awareness" being the key to unlocking a life with ADHD.  Part of that is understanding and acknowledging that you can't do it alone.  Where you find help is as unique to you as the way your brain is wired, and accepting it will be beyond difficult for most.  Whether you find it in books written by experts (Drs. John Ratey, Ed Halliwell and Daniel Amen to name a few), professional coaching, support groups, friends and family, or organizations like CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) you can only benefit from asking for, and accepting, help.  But though you will find more outside help than you could ever have hoped for once you have acknowledged your need, don't forget to look inside as well.  Call it a Yin/Yang thing if you will, but you need both.  One without the other is only part of the solution.

At some point I believe every individual living with ADHD will enter a state of acceptance and resignation.  You will either accept that your life will never be what you hoped for and resign yourself to the lifetime of struggles and frustrations you will have to endure.......or accept that life works differently for you and resign yourself, no matter your age and resources, to re-learning how to live it with contentment.  If you choose the latter, life may not be all you had hoped and dreamed........it could be much, much more.

j.d.

"A" is for............................

attention, addiction, alcohol, apathy, the list is long........longer than my limited attention span will allow for.  But for me the "A" word that stands apart from the rest is "awareness".


Awareness........a word often synonymous with enlightenment, an important aspect of zen philosophy.  But for many who live with ADHD awareness is the turning point in their lives, the fulcrum on which their life pivots from chaotic frustration to, dare I say, hopeful?  Awareness is finding the light switch in a dark room.  Not that you can just turn it on and see the path laid before you.  No, finding the switch is gaining the knowledge that light can exist in the dark room of ADHD.  It is realizing that if certain conditions are met....

........there is electricity flowing to the switch
........there is a working light fixture in the room
........the wires to the switch and fixture are intact
........there is a working light bulb in the fixture

then filling the room with light is possible.   I now know what I have to do.  I have a focus, a plan to follow.  Light is possible.  There is hope.........


Hope...........the most powerful word in the English language, in any language.  It is the foundation of the human condition.  Without it we could not grow, advance, succeed, evolve.  Without hope we would still be living in caves wearing animal skins and waiting for the next lightning strike to gain fire.  But hope is often an elusive concept for those living with ADHD.  For me hope was always a fleeting concept that evaporated with the next distraction, forgotten an instant after it began.  It was never real.  I couldn't feel it, touch it, taste it........it was just a word.  On a good day hope, like most thoughts that continually race through my head, would only occasionally be recognized.  Most thoughts slip through in a blur, not in succession but in combination.  Apparently my brain can multi-task.......sadly, I can not.  


I can not remember the exact moment I became "aware" (pardon the "Matrix" reference).  It was not the moment when a professional broke the news.  Not like when a doctor tells you "you have cancer" or the like.  There was no kick in the gut, no "aha" moment, no phases or stages.  Don't misunderstand, I was told by a professional, several in fact, that "you have ADHD".    But it did not "flip the switch" on.  It didn't suddenly all make sense.  My life didn't change overnight with knowing.


Awareness crept.......creeps over me gradually, almost imperceptibly slow.  Most of the changes in my life are only recognizable when I look back in review over longer periods of time.  Much like enlightenment for the devotee of Zen Buddhism, I suspect that awareness will be a life-long journey.  I don't know if I will ever be fully aware, only more aware today than yesterday.  But that's not a single catastrophic failure.  No.  It is in fact a life-long series of small successes.  I am becoming aware each and every day of what it is to live with ADHD. 


And awareness gives me hope.  Real, tangible, lasting hope.

j.d.

WHERE TO BEGIN ???

Well to start with this is my very first attempt at blogging (is that the right term?). I am 47 years old and no stranger to technology or the internet. In fact I jumped on the "techno-wagon" during its infancy, my first computer being a Commodore 64. But over the years technology sped up as I slowed down and somewhere along the way I got run over. It is more typical these days for me to "jump on" as something is reaching critical mass (the wagon moves slower), though I suspect before too long I will "jump" a bit too late and miss the wagon entirely, landing face down on the pavement.

But what does this have to do with "A.D.D." or "ZEN"??? Maybe nothing. But I have been struggling with ADHD (the correct term) all my life, though I only became aware of it a few years ago. Many things that have frustrated me over the years now make a bit more sense. They still frustrate me but I am a bit more "zen" in how I deal with the frustration. I have read all the books, worked with coaches and psychologists, taken all the pills and tried countless "tricks" and "techniques" to help me cope. A few have actually been helpful, though for most the only success was in being able to eliminate them as options, narrowing the focus.

My latest frustration (don't worry, this isn't going to be a "top ten list") is that I can't seem to find any new methods or techniques to work with that aren't just a modification or new twist on one I've already tried. That, coupled with an increasingly strong sense that I should be looking inward for answers (there's that "ZEN" thing again), has spurred me to contemplate.

Not yet sure of what I am contemplating, nor where to even begin the "inward search" I did what most people do when faced with such a dilemma...........

Nothing.

To be more specific, I decided to try meditation (zen again). Now I've tried meditation before. I've tried guided meditation, chakra meditation, shamanic journeys, chanting, vibrational meditation and a few others that I can't immediately recall. And I've experienced benefits in various forms from all of them. But the one thing they all seemed to have in common was a goal. I entered into all of them with some form of goal or expectation. this time was different......is different. I am meditating with the intent to empty my mind of all thought and noise (no small task for one with ADHD). Nothing else. I'm not looking for anything or hoping to see or hear anything. Or feel anything other than "empty". I guess this is where the zen thing comes in........

and where this blog begins. For today, while driving home from the office and trying not to sputter about the "idiots in a hurry" that seem to rule the roads, a random thought popped into my head..........

"From A.D.D. to ZEN"

It didn't evolve from a conflux of other random thoughts as often occurs. It just popped out in front of me clear and alone. Nothing swirling around it, didn't have to squint to focus on it, it was just there. Then the subtitle showed up..........

"A Journey from the Head to the Heart"

This is particularly poignant for me. As one who has spent much of my life viewing everything through a "logical" thought-based filter I have spent the last couple years exploring "alternative" perspectives and trying to open a fairly closed mind.

The next thought.....26 letters in the alphabet......divides neatly into 52 weeks in a year......one letter every 2 weeks. So I'm going to try to write about aspects of my journey, some past some current, devoting 2 weeks to each letter of the alphabet. As I write this it sounds a bit crazy, or grasping, but I've done worse and survived. So I'm going to take a leap here and see where it leads. And I welcome any help, thoughts or encouragement you may offer along the way.........................

jd