The bombardment of stimulus, non-stop barrage of thoughts, distractions clamoring for attention like fists of fury beating at my brain's door........the battle of daily life with ADHD. Some days it truly feels like a battle, the campaign waged moment to moment, on a battlefield hidden from view inside my head. Though I regularly make positive progress it is often microscopically minute, difficult to see unless viewed in the context of a much longer period of time. Sometimes the progress can only be identified as a slight deceleration of the backward slide. But on rare occasions it's not only visible, it's visceral.
Kind of like the car accident I very nearly had this morning. It was raining a bit, making the roads just slick enough to warrant caution though few, if any, pay much heed. I was driving through town while talking with my wife on the cell phone (arrest me, I was not on "hands-free"). The car in front of me, driven by a young woman talking on her cell phone (how dare she!), had just cut me off at the Yield sign. As I followed her, letting fly a few choice expletives, she slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting the car that was now running the next Yield sign in front of her. As I choked on "*&$%#!@!" it was promptly replaced (into my wife's ear of course) by "oh sh*t, Oh Sh*t, OH SH*T..............."
Thank goodness for ABS brakes (and the helping hand that MUST have come to my aid) as I shuddered to a stop just inches from her rear bumper. Afterward, while pondering the experience, I marveled at how much that one moment seemed to parallel my life. I struggle and strive to improve life for myself and those around me and yet, almost on a daily basis, I feel a sense of the inevitable bearing down unwavering upon me. Events set in motion years ago coming straight at me. It has me square in its sights and is on a collision course. My mind is racing, eyes casting about for escape routes, calculating and discarding options at light speed...........
It's all for naught. Though I have learned to accept that placing myself in its path was, and always is, within my control the end result of this chain of events set in motion quite often is not. I chose this path. I chose to participate. I chose to act in a potentially unsafe manner with full knowledge of the impact my actions could have. I chose, perhaps unwittingly, to set this machine in motion. And in the panic of realizing I was powerless to evade the inevitable, instinct took over and .......... I asked for help. While my wife was hearing "OH SH*T" I heard myself thinking "please help me".
Who was I asking for help? Where did I think it was going to come from? In what form? I don't know. It wasn't like I had a plan to ask, there was no conscious intent or envisioned result. It just happened. Some part of me saw the events unfolding and decided to step up on my behalf and do what I would have ordinarily never considered.... asked for help. And the really scary part is it was given.
Now we could forever debate whether or not I actually received some form of external assistance in that particular moment of crisis. But regardless of which side of the debate you align with it does present some interesting parallels with the battles waged by the adult with ADHD. Even in the darkest of times when I feel like I've exhausted all options and possibilities of success, when I ask for help it is most often granted. Rarely is it in the form I had envisioned or hoped for, and often I am unaware of its occurrence. I'm so wrapped up in the crisis of the moment that I'm oblivious to all else. But the more I look back over times of crisis it is fairly clear that there was some outside influence on events as they unfolded. Which leads me, and perhaps some of you, to the conclusion that there is a higher power at work in our lives. Some may call it God, Allah, Vishnu or some other identifiable deity. Others may believe it is a higher self or soul. And still others will call it Angels or Guardians. All personifications of sorts. Personally I'm still struggling with this part. But however you choose to envision it , and even if you choose not to, you have to admit that there is a force at work around us that is at once both greater than us and incomprehensible. And this is the point where many discussions turn to "faith".
Faith means different things to different people. Though a bit cliche I doubt anyone would disagree on this point. But I will save that debate for the "F" postings. I have dismissed faith in most forms for much of my life, ascribing it to those too lazy or fearful to make their own way in this world. Sounds like a "logical" conclusion, right? But even Albert Einstein, whom many would agree to be one of the most logical minds in human history, professed in his latter years to being a deeply spiritual man. Shortly before his death he was quoted:
A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive
I printed the quote in its entirety as I found it to deter any concerns of misrepresentation. Though it's not the entire quote, but the first three sentences, that intrigue me the most. And perhaps contain a key to a means of better managing the "battle". Perhaps by finding a way to look beyond the confluence of chaos in our head we might experience the profound immensity of the universe beyond our ourselves and, in looking back within, glimpse our own connection. Some would say this knowledge alone could be liberating. One can hope. The challenge is not in attaining the knowledge of this experience, the destination if you will. The challenge is finding a path that can lead you there. How do you get past the "battlefield" to find the path beyond?
The answer will be different for each individual. As for myself, at this time, I am placing my faith in meditation. So far it seems to at least get me off the battlefield and into the woods. I can still hear the fading sounds of the raging battle in the distance, and it gets darker as I venture deeper into the woods, but for the moment I have faith that a path exists somewhere in here. Hopefully, I will stumble upon it in this lifetime. I offer this not as a prescription but as my own experience. What works for me will likely not work for others. So I am, as always, open to alternatives and interested in your experiences as well. I hope that you will share yours with us.
j.d.
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