When someone asks your birthday most would respond with the month and date. We tend to think of birthdays as an annual occurrence, each an event in its own right. Some would respond with the month, date and year referencing the day they were brought forth into this life as a singular event. And still others would refer you to a specific turning point in their life, a time when their life changed so dramatically they felt reborn. Generally this last one is the province of religious converts and/or reformed alcoholics and addicts. But I would hope that some day in the not-so-distant future we could add another group to this list.................adults with ADHD.
Now if you've read any of my previous posts you will probably be raising your eyebrows or scratching your head. For me there was no "A-HA" moment, no blinding flash of light. But for many, when they find the right treatment or prescription, it is just that ..... like someone flipped on a switch. Those individuals will likely remember the month, date and year when this happened.........just like the day they were born. And in a sense, they were. There is a stark contrast between life before and life after for many. But flipping the switch is only part of the challenge.
For some, life begins anew, like they've been given a clean slate. They can find a new job, new mate, renew old relationships. They can start building from the ground up. For others, like myself, rebuilding is the single most daunting challenge of our life. Before we can even start planning our new life we must repair the damage done in our prior life. Not in the metaphysical sense of "prior lives", but prior to becoming aware of our ADHD. A common result of undiagnosed ADHD in the adult is that we tend to leave quite a bit of damage in our wake. Financial damage in the form of overwhelming debts, liens, collection accounts and judgments is common. As is emotional damage such as failed relationships/marriages, lost friendships, estranged family, etc. And employment history is rarely stable. What do you do if you look back at your prior life and see a path strewn with the castoff and debris resulting from your lack of focus and poor choices? Wrestling with your sense of obligation and responsibility, you wonder how you can possibly repair all the damage you've left in your wake. How do you reconcile your conscience and character with the deep desire to begin anew?
One teeny tiny step at a time. This is one of the most daunting challenges for me. I've spent much of my life in the pursuit of instant gratification. Not surprising given my rather short attention span. But then if you're reading this you already know that. In spite of the damage I've done throughout my life, or perhaps because of it, I feel a very strong need to make things right. To accept responsibility for my actions and make good on my obligations. Something that will likely take a lot of time and tremendous motivation to accomplish for sure. Oddly enough the source of motivation came as quite a surprise to me. It's my kids.
I know it's cliche to talk about wanting more for your kids than you had yourself. Heck, it's cliche to talk in cliches. But as I watch my kids grow and mature (much too fast!) I can't help but wonder what kind of father I have been to them. I read an excerpt from an article recently that was written by a gentleman who became aware of his ADHD late in life, well after his kids were grown and independent. He talked about being an absentee parent. He had learned coping devices to help him succeed at work but they did not carry over into family. When I consider my role in family I can't help wonder if I have also been an absentee parent. Sure I'm there to take them to the doctor when they are sick. I coached their pee-wee soccer teams and little league. Now they are older and play in scholastic sports I try to make it to an occasional match but it's difficult in this economy to juggle work and family. I try to teach them discipline and respect though it usually devolves into an argument or shouting match (if you have teenagers you understand) and I never quite know "who won". I try to involve them in things I love to do, exposing them to new things, though they show little interest. I've even tried getting them to teach me some of the things they are interested in. Have you tried learning the new video games? It ain't Pac-man for sure! They learned to ski by the age of three, largely thanks to my parents, and they love the sport. But it still, like most everything else, takes a back seat to social events or just hanging out with their friends. I'm feeling their childhood slip through my fingers so fast I can't even see it go. It's like trying to hold air in your hands and it's scary.
I look back on my life and all that it could have been, all the mistakes I made ......... the damage in my wake. I can reason that this is a natural part of life and that my kids will have trials of their own. I know I can't shield them from life, much as I try. But have I done my best to equip them with the knowledge and tools to cope with life on their own? Have I lived up to my responsibility as a parent? Even when I was there, was I really "there"? The answer to that question in most cases was a resounding NO! Even though I was physically there it was very difficult to be engaged in the present moment (that's zen, right?). My body was there but my mind was a gazillion miles away racing through space and time...............
Over the past couple years I have learned a couple things about myself and ADHD. Count this as one of those little successes, a teeny tiny step if you will. I find it easy to engage one on one in a secure surrounding. More than one person and it's a challenge to even keep up with the conversation much less anything else. So for the most part family outings have been mentally grueling, physically draining events that quickly reduce me to an edgy, snapping, stressed out control fiend. I found little in the way of pleasure where for years I felt I should (the bar was set so high it was out of reach). Just the mention of an upcoming gathering was enough start me spiraling in. There must be something seriously wrong with me! Then a truly wonderful thing happened while driving my son home from a Lacrosse match ........... we talked. I mean it was this incredible conversation. It wasn't about anything profound and maybe that's the point. We were just talking. The 10 minute ride home felt like hours. Time slowed, background faded. So this is what it's like to be "in the present", to be engaged in the moment and connect with another human being. The conversation may not have been profound but the experience .............
awesome!!!
Since then I've been experimenting with this and I have had both good and bad experiences. I am less of an absentee father and husband, and my wife and kids seem to talk to me more about their daily lives. I feel like I have more "calm" than "chaos" these days. And I still know that tonight's dinner will be a struggle. We're celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary and of course we are going to a very nice restaurant. Then again maybe it won't be such a struggle. My expectations are different, the bar reset. So perhaps I've learned something. It's no "giant leap for mankind"......... but it sure is a powerful motivator.
j.d.
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