"L" is for ........

Loyalty!

The premise of this blog began, and remains, to write about my own experiences, the affects of ADHD on my life and to provide a safe place for people to come to learn, help and heal.  But today I would like to turn the mirror around and write about all of you.  

The second most difficult part about writing this blog was, and always has been, the actual "doing".  For those of you who understand ADHD this is no surprise.  I think about it frequently, often several times a day, but usually not when I'm sitting in my office with access to my computer.  And by the time I get to the office and computer my mind is already many miles down that 8 lane freeway in my head.  The "exit" I should be getting off has already disappeared in my rear-view mirror and U-turns are not possible on this road.  But there are a few of you who post comments and send e-mails from time to time inquiring about "where have you gone" or offering support during difficult times.  Often it's your e-mails and posts that help bring me back here to continue my "mission" and I thank you for that.


The most difficult thing about writing this blog is being honest ...... not only with all of you, but with myself as well.  Though much of what I write here simply "flows" out of my mind as I type, I frequently become aware that I am judging myself and my actions, and harshly too.  My posts here are often inspired by a singular experience or a poignant moment that happens to catch my attention long enough for me to recognize its significance.  It's like the director's technique used in the fight scenes in "The Matrix" movies (bet you thought you'd heard the last of those comparisons, eh?) where the action is super fast and just before impact it zooms into super slow-motion, then launches into super fast on impact.  I know it sounds corny but that's pretty much how it happens in my head.


But I digress.  As I was saying, I start judging myself.  Then I start questioning whether I should be "exposing" these flaws to the world and, without realizing it, I begin editing and rewriting in an attempt to "soften" the impact and rationalize my behavior.  In the political arena I think they call it "spinning".  And the problem with "spinning" is it never really addresses the problem let alone resolve it.  What do I do when I become aware this is happening?  First thing I do is stop.  I stop typing.  I stop thinking.  I stop judging.  One time, I even stopped breathing! 


But only for a few seconds, so no permanent harm done.  Then I will usually go back and read some of the comments and e-mails you have sent and remember why I am doing this.  I will read some of my previous posts and remember the importance of honesty and integrity both here and in my life.  I don't claim to be the epitome of honesty and integrity, there are many I would place above me on that standard.  There have been many times in my life where I have chosen to be less honest or acted with less integrity than I could have.  I am human, complete with many faults and flaws (with no shortage of those quite willing to point them out).  I only claim that I strive to live each day with honesty and compassion, that I may look back at the end of my life and hopefully see that the scales of integrity have tipped slightly to my favor. 

It's very hard to be honest with others.  Especially so when it's about your own faults and flaws.  And even harder when it's persons who may know you or work with you.  You feel exposed, vulnerable.  You are vulnerable.  But learning can not happen without accepting your vulnerability.  And growth can not happen without learning.  The old adage "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is certainly apropos.  But if the horse is extremely nearsighted ........... you may just need to lead him to where he can see the water and he'll find his way from there.  

So to those who have touched my life in some way great or small I would like to thank you for taking up the reigns when I can't see the water.  You give me courage to get back up when knocked down, and strength to move forward when pushed back.  Words can not express the gratitude I feel and that you greatly deserve.  To have one person remain loyal in the face of adversity is a gift.  More than one is a blessing.  I may not be able to rise to my ambitious goal of a post per week, but in the words of the infamous title character of the "Terminator" franchise ..........

"I'll Be Back............"

j.d.

K is for............

Ketchup ……

Huh???  What in the world can America’s favorite condiment have to do with ADHD?  And is it really a condiment or, as many college students would argue, the fifth major food group?  I fear I could write an entire post (and then some) on that question alone.  But I will save that for another day.

Now I can see most of you are scratching your heads on this one but bear with me and I think it will all make sense by the end.  First, let’s deal with the spelling … why not “catsup” you may ask?  Honestly I don’t know the difference between the two spellings (if there really is one) or if one product is actually different from the other.  I never really bothered to check and to do so now (I’m truly tempted) would be giving in to the magnetic pull of the Almighty Distraction of Historic Dimensions.  I will fight the urge to Google it and tell you that my reason is simply to stop bouncing around the alphabet and get back on track with my original premise.  Were that ADHD was that simple.  So keeping the “C’s” firmly fixed in the rearview mirror I look onward to the “K’s”.

So why Ketchup?  For starters it sounds remarkably similar to “catch-up”, which is the theme of today’s post.  But it also reminds me of how many people approach the subject of ADHD, especially adults.  Ketchup is one of those things that are always in the refrigerator.  No matter where you go, everyone has some and everyone uses it at least occasionally …… and it has a shelf-life rivaling that of the Twinkie.  Honestly, do they really need to print a “freshness date” on these things?  It starts out occupying a premium space on the door when you buy it.  But it quickly gets displaced by the next purchase (bottle of soy sauce perhaps) and so begins its journey around the fridge until it finally settles in, lurking in the back behind all the real food that you use daily, the stuff that you choose to give your attention.  You know it’s there, you know right where it is when you need it.  But oddly enough when you do want it you always end up having to empty half the refrigerator to find it.  But it’s there when you need it.  Just like ADHD it’s waiting for a time when you will need it, whether it’s to enhance our existence by acknowledging the role it plays in our daily life or just to cover the unpalatable taste of something we must choke down in the moment.

And this is where I am today.  I’m stuck with some truly unpalatable items on my plate that I know in my heart of hearts I must choke down to survive and I am desperately trying to find the “ketchup”.  To “catch up” is what I desperately need to do.  I can sense the impending implosion looming over me if I don’t.  You know what I mean, that panicky feeling like there’s a freight train bearing down on you, engines thundering and whistle screaming, you’re watching it race closer and closer ………… and your feet are glued to the tracks!!!  

You see, this winter I got stuck.  I mean really stuck.  I just couldn’t seem to get anything done unless it was a crisis.  I was constantly doing fire control.  At work, at home, even in my own head.  So as a result there are things I needed to get done over the past few months but haven’t.  I am keeping on top of the new and current tasks but everything that got pushed aside for each “crisis”………I just can’t seem to get back to.  Deadlines have come and gone, excuses …er… justifications have been made, sleep has been lost (some hair too).  But it seems the harder I try the more easily and readily I get distracted and off track.  Before the Holidays I even broke down and got a prescription from my neurologist for Daytrana (yes, I’ve decided it’s time for meds again) ………….. only to find that it had been recently recalled because the adhesive on the patch was not working effectively.  There was none to be found anywhere.  (Is the universe conspiring against me?!?)  

So here it is, 6 weeks later and the train is getting closer…………and I’m still standing on the tracks.  It is by sheer force of will that I am able to get even a single task completed each day, but I guess that is progress.  Excruciatingly slow, but progress all the same.  It feels a bit like I have circled around back to where I started a few years ago when I began this journey, like I’m back to square one.  But I know in my heart this is merely a back-step, if only because I am sharing this here rather than trying to keep it hidden from view.  To be sure there will be consequences to be endured for my inaction, and I will bear them and try to learn from them.  I will work with my coach on these issues in our next meeting.  I will get another prescription, one that can be filled this time.  And I will begin again the process of learning how to live with ADHD.  Only this time I am starting a couple steps ahead of the last time.  I guess that in itself is progress, perhaps even success.  

Like Ketchup, one must decide for them self whether they will treat their ADHD like a condiment, keeping it hidden from view in the back of their life’s refrigerator …… or like a food that must be consumed regularly to sustain the life they want and deserve.  In this particular moment I choose, once again, to try the latter.

Now where’d I put the mustard ………

j.d.