This is an easy one to identify, though for me it is hard to write about. Anxiety is quite often the gateway to "awareness" for ADHD. It's also a big energy sucker that often contributes to the "anger" experience I've spoken of in an earlier post. Talk about your symbiotic relationship.......isn't it neat how they all help each other?
All sarcasm aside (well maybe not all of it), growing anxiety often causes people to seek out professionals who are able to help them identify its root cause. In the process, they may identify ADHD as a suspect or potential contributor. There are two reasons I know this. First, anxiety (and its oft associated depression) are what drove me to seek the help of a professional who fairly quickly suspected and screened for ADHD. Second, a common pronouncement in all of the books and studies I have read since then is that ADHD rarely presents as a solo act. Either it's masked by other conditions (i.e. bi-polar disorder) or it contributes to the manifestation of other conditions (i.e. anxiety, depression).
If, like me, you have spent most of your life processing everything with the logical side of your brain (trying to "make sense" of it) discovering you may be affected to some degree by ADHD will launch you on an educational odyssey. Some of you may be a bit confused by my seeming lack of conviction when it comes to the diagnosis of ADHD. This is because I have learned it is not a condition that is easily diagnosed. In fact, I'm not certain that it actually can be "diagnosed" at all. There are no definitive tests nor readily identifiable markers, you can't see it on a CAT scan or MRI. Most of the tools used in identifying ADHD are cognitive screens and psychological profiles used in combination with a detailed personal history. Also, identifying other neurological and/or psychological conditions (i.e. depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety) that studies have shown often present along with ADHD can be an indication of its presence. As far as I have been able to learn, ADHD is one of those afflictions (hmm, a word for my next post perhaps?) that can only be "confirmed" after administration of a successful treatment has occurred. Sort of like confirming diagnosis of a bacterial infection after antibiotics have been administered and discovering the infection "is cured". That might cause a bit of anxiety, don't you think?
But that is what I would refer to as "secondary anxiety". It happens after you discover you might have ADHD. The anxiety I started this post with, the type that can consume a person and condemn them to a lifetime of fear and misery, is more directly associated with the life situations caused by the ADHD. Using myself as an example, the two biggest causes of anxiety in my life have been "money" and "forgetfulness". I put these "words" in quotations because they are the mainstream labels that are often applied to the "symptoms" of ADHD, but they are not the real problem. Just like the oft misquoted biblical passage, "money" is not the root of all evil, it is "the love of money that is the root of all evil". And "forgetfulness" is often construed as a lack of caring or concern.
Take the "money" problem for instance. It could be the obvious "lack" of money. Or it could be overwhelming debt. Or buyer's remorse (on steroids). It could also be irresponsible generosity. There are more that I can't think of at the moment I'm sure. So it presents many obstacles, each of which by itself might be easily overcome. But when you throw them together in combination they present a very potent combo. Where do you start? How do you juggle them all, balancing the energy between them? It's like being forced to juggle 8 balls when you're still trying to figure out how to keep 2 in the air. You are going to drop one. And while you stoop to pick it up........2 more drop. And while you're retrieving them.........they throw 2 more into the mix, now you're trying to juggle 10..........can someone please stop this carousel, I think I'm going to be sick!
That was easy (oops, sarcasm). Now for the really hard stuff. Let's layer "forgetfulness" on top of the "money" shall we? Here's the scenario..........
You create a debt burden through a combination of the following........you drop out of college and bounce from one job to the next living week to week........you lend next month's rent to a friend who needs it "bad".........you buy a car you can't afford (on an easy payment plan) with money you don't have........you use Visa to buy food and gas because you've spent all your cash already (the credit companies love this one).........and now you have to "manage" your monthly bills, which you "forgot" about while you were doing all of the above. You have to juggle the money you don't have to pay the bills you wish you hadn't incurred.........
and in through your door strolls "forgetfulness". You "forget" to pay the credit card bill.......or the car payment.....or the mortgage payment........it really doesn't matter which domino tips first. By the time you realize what is happening you are in the midst of a full-scale cascade.........or maybe "avalanche" is more descriptive. Many would label the forgetfulness as "denial" or "absent-mindedness" or "irresponsibility". You didn't just drop one ball this time...............and while you're looking up for the next ball to drop, you realize that all 12 are bouncing around your ankles. And as you're looking down in horror the one you forgot thunks you squarely on top of your head. Yowch!
But the plain truth is that a major part of ADHD is an inability to manage anything long-term. Long-term requires focus, and focus is something found only on our wish list.........if we're able to focus long enough to create one. "Long-term" for many of us can be defined in terms of hours, not days or weeks. The import of focus to ADHD can be readily seen in this affliction's name "Attention Deficit". It is such an important part of ADHD that it is given a full 50% of this "disorder's" name.....and its first name at that. As for me, I have the attention span of a gnat conversing with a flea at a three ring circus on the 4th of July during fireworks. How the [@#!$%&*] am I supposed to remember to pay a bill that's due 30 days from now?!! And, as inevitably happens, when I miss the due date another ball is thrown into the juggling.....penalties and higher interest rates which increase future payments due.....more financial pressure. Which inexorably causes............
ANXIETY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, is there a way off this carousel.......or do we keep spinning faster and faster until, no longer having the strength to hold on, we are flung unconscious into the open arms of oblivion? (I know, a bit dramatic). Possibly. It depends on the individual I think. It depends on their desire to change, their commitment meet the challenge, the strength of their support network and most importantly....awareness. I can have little, if any, impact on the first three. But it is my hope that this blog can help raise awareness for those adults who are living with ADHD and not aware of it. To provide a resource for information, education and support. I don't profess to have all the answers, only my own experience. I hope that many will share their experience here as well so that we may all benefit and learn from each other. I also hope this blog can become a resource to the family, friends and colleagues surrounding the ADHD adult, that it may provide a deeper understanding and insight into the struggles and challenges that are a part of our daily lives. I hope that, over time, this blog will provide.......hope.
j.d.
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