Let's play word association. I say "addiction", you say........
(pause for your answer)
Just hearing the word conjures several images, all dark and negative. What was the first word that popped into your head? For most people, myself included, the first word that comes to mind is drugs. Alcohol probably runs a close second with sex or food vying for third. And like many adults living with ADHD I have, to some degree, had my run-ins with all of them. Since becoming aware of my ADHD I have spent a great deal of time reviewing my life and contemplating its impact on myself and those around me. Much of my experience with the addictions above occurred in my earlier adult life, in my late teens and twenties.
Now to be clear, I do not consider myself to have ever been an addict in the traditional sense and it is not my intent to marginalize the addict. I have never been physically or emotionally dependent on a substance. Nor have I found myself craving the "high" at the expense of physical safety and security (though, on occasion, I still enjoy a good "adrenaline rush"). Though addiction in the traditional sense does seem to affect a larger than average number of Adults With ADHD (AWA), the addiction reference I would like to examine here is more subtle in nature, more intimate. The addiction I struggle with is mental. I can't label it "psychological" or "emotional" because I am not a qualified medical practitioner or therapist and I do not wish to cross the hair-thin line upon which I am tip-toeing at the moment. Perhaps I should have some form of disclaimer prominently posted. I'll have to give that some consideration. But I digress (it's a flaw).
I call it "mental", not in the descriptive sense we used the word as kids ("that stunt he pulled was mental....) but rather "of the mind". I've mentioned in prior posts that I have spent most of my life evaluating everything, all experiences, from a logical perspective. I have always attempted to "think it through" or "reason it out" or, my personal favorite, "make sense of it". Make sense of it. Now there's an oxymoron. Sense is something more readily associated with feelings and sensations. It's less tangible, more ethereal, more.........gut. And yet it is commonly used as a descriptive for the application of logic and reason. And therein lies both the cause, and by-product, of my addiction.
I remember reading an article a long time ago that recounted how a large truck had become stuck under an overpass because it's payload was just a couple inches too tall. Before long the road had been closed, there were police and fire personnel redirecting traffic to alternate routes, and several engineers and DOT crews had been dispatched to figure out how to get the truck out of its current predicament. Several hours were spent trying to find a way to dislodge the truck and it was finally decided that the payload would have to be dismantled, taken off the truck and reloaded onto another truck for re-routing around the overpass. Then the "now unstuck truck" could simply drive on. During all of this a crowd of onlookers had gathered and it was at this moment a young boy leaned over to his father and whispered "why don't they just let some air out of the tires?".
Like the experts in the story above, I quite often fall into the trap of making the assumption that the optimum solution to any problem is necessarily complicated. Even my description is complex. I could certainly have said "the answer is never simple", couldn't I? Often a tremendous amount of energy is spent arriving at these solutions. Theories are hypothesized, prospective solutions tested, failures analyzed. And just as often there is a simple solution that is equally effective. And there is where I start to wonder why. Why do I jump right into the complex without first considering the simple (it's not always obvious)? Does the desire for a complex solution come from the Ego? Do we need to exhibit our mental prowess in search of validation? Is it an attempt to set ourselves apart, superior to our competition (survival of the fittest)? Or is it a primordial appendage we refuse to consider extraneous and obsolete (even though it might be)?
Or is it simply a distraction................a diversion of energy and focus from what's really important? Regardless of which answer is right, the results for the AWA (Adult With ADHD) are the same.......... failure on some level.
So let's not get distracted debating which is right when we agree on the outcome. We get ourselves so wrapped up in the distraction that we completely forget what we were supposed to be doing when the distraction caught our attention. And the "important" thing does not get done, or worse, it get's done sloppily in our haste to complete it as soon after the missed deadline as possible. If we're lucky there was a reminder before the deadline. But more often it's the sudden realization that the deadline is past that spurs us into panicked overdrive. And like it or not, I seem to be addicted to the varied distractions that cause this problem. Or perhaps it is the adrenaline rush that comes with the recognition of the problem. Or maybe it is the state of "hyper-focus" that this distraction may induce (bliss for the AWA). Or perhaps it's not the addiction at all, but the fear that the addiction helps me to avoid. But then it would be more "denial" than "distraction" wouldn't it? I'll have to dive deeper into that one another time. It's a lot to consider. I'd like to hear your thoughts.........if you're not too distracted.
j.d.
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