This is a big one. When an adult learns they have ADHD, once they get past the requisite emotional reactions, they must begin formulating some kind of response to this life altering awareness. There are only two possibilities .......
do nothing or Change.
Both are extreme responses with a vast expanse in between in which to swim ...... or drown. Doing nothing is the easiest and most natural way for us to respond. There are certainly no shortage of ways to distract ourselves from the stark reality that no matter how hard we may try we will never be able to conform to society's definition of "normal". And our ability to resist succumbing to the most mundane distraction is weak on a good day. But allowing ourselves to be lured away from the truth in such fashion is tantamount to "treading water". And the fact is that no matter how long you can tread water eventually you will need to be rescued or you will sink and drown. The only real variable here is whether or not you will have any company on the way down.
In keeping with this metaphor, change would be swimming. But in which direction? Which way will lead to success and a better life? This choice, in hindsight, is the biggest challenge. While you're trying to decide you must tread water, leaving yourself vulnerable to distraction. So what is the answer to the "direction" question?
It doesn't matter......JUST START SWIMMING!
But what if you head out in the wrong direction? It doesn't matter, you can figure it out as you go. You can change direction. You can even choose later to stop and tread water again, though I wouldn't recommend it. A basic principal of Physics states that a body at rest will tend to remain at rest while a body in motion will tend to remain in motion ...... until acted upon by an outside force. To overcome the inertia of either state, to move an object at rest or to stop an object in motion, requires the greatest amount of force. Significantly less force is required to change the speed or direction of an object while in motion. The object is obviously you. The outside force here is choice. Even if you make the wrong choice when you start out, the laws of physics would suggest it's easier to change direction while you are moving. I remember learning to drive a stick shift in my Uncle's old shop truck which had no power steering. It took both hands on the wheel, both feet planted firmly, and all my considerable body weight to turn that wheel while at a stop. Interestingly enough once the truck was moving I could steer easily with a light touch of one hand. Physics in action my friends.
Those of you who have been following me these past few months know that I have been struggling with ADHD all of my life, though I only became aware of it about 3 or 4 years ago. When faced with the "choice" I opted to swim. This choice was a bit easier than it might have been as I had the support of my therapist/coach, the individual responsible for facilitating my awareness. As I began to tread water he, in his own subtle way, coaxed me into moving. And shortly after I made my first wrong choice, the first of many ......... and I know there will be many many more before my time in this world is done. I set out to affect major change in my life. Once I decided to start swimming I set out strong and fast, eyes fixed hard on the horizon. I was determined and nothing was going to stop me. Normally I would say that's a good thing, at least that's what I said a couple paragraphs ago, right?
My mistake wasn't in my choice of what to do, but to whom it would be done. I embarked on an educational odyssey, reading every book I could find, browsing every website. I Googled and Binged so much I felt like Ricochet Rabbit on speed! Whatever made sense (translation...was logical) I retained and discarded the rest. I then took my new-found knowledge and proceeded to "educate" my family on why I am the way I am and what they could do to make life better for all of us. If they could change the way they interact with me, be more aware of my "differences", be more patient and tolerant of my temper and moods..........
You get the point. To most it would seem easier to change oneself than to try to alter the many people we interact with throughout our lives. But from my perspective, I knew on some level that affecting tangible change in me ..... well, the odds were stacked severely against me. And when was the last time you saw a "long-shot" win the race? The challenge as I saw it was in the root of ADHD, attention deficit. I read somewhere many years ago that it takes at least 30 contiguous days of repetition to form a lasting habit. On a good day I might be able to muster 30 minutes. What hope did I have of affecting a change in myself? Much easier to toss the burden, along with an enticing benefit, to those with a greater chance of success, right? Wow, was I ever wrong! On so many levels there's not enough time or space to review them all here.
After a time (and much coaching/therapy) I realized that I had to change. But how? My basement is piled with boxes of self improvement books and tapes and videos. I've probably spent thousands of dollars over the years on programs to help me develop winning mindsets and successful practices. Of all the posts on this blog I hope my wife misses this one. One of her biggest complaints about me is that I never get rid of anything. I'm a pack-rat! I confess, guilty as charged. (If she sees this I'll never hear the end of it). But in my defense, when I do clean house I tend to throw the baby out with the bath water. "Honey, I'm terrified I might accidentally throw you out with the boxes..."
This led to another difficult decision for me, medication. After much discussion with my coach, my doctor and a psychologist I decided to try pharmaceutical treatment. But not as a permanent solution. I was not ready to accept what in my eyes was defeat just yet. My plan was to find a medication that would help me focus long enough to develop the habits and skills I would need to live successfully with ADHD. Once satisfied that I could function satisfactorily without the meds I would discontinue them.
Thus began a two and a half year odyssey over mountains, under oceans and everywhere in between. There were successes and failures, benefits and side effects, elation and depression. An inconceivable eternity that, in looking back, was little more than the blink of an eye. I did eventually find a tolerable mix of medications that worked. But I attribute much of my success to date to another difficult choice I made along this journey, to allow myself to lean on the support given by others. While I am often quick to offer help to others I will seldom ask for it even when it's truly needed. I am continually surprised at how willing others are to help without judgment. It has been their steadying hand and encouragement that have often kept me moving. And a few times when I felt beaten and just wanted to tread water, they swam with me or carried me on their shoulders for a bit. The experience, though profoundly humbling, is also enlightening ....... Zen again.
j.d.
1 comment:
How does meditation work for you? What resources were helpful? Not helpful?
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