"C" is for ...........

Conditioning.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear someone use the word "conditioning"?  When I was a younger athlete it was the worst part of practice.  When I was in Florida it meant "cool dry air" inside.  Now-a-days the first thing that comes to mind is the rather vocal young woman on the Herbal Essence Shampoo commercials.  Now that's conditioning!  It screams out to all "wash your hair with this and have an instant orgasm"!!!  And you can do it by yourself any time, anywhere ....... even in the bathroom at work on your lunch break!  (If you get caught by the boss please leave my name out of it).


The marketing and advertising world has a profound understanding of the power of conditioning.  Through the centuries they have refined it to an art form with all the strength, durability and dazzling brilliance of a fine cut diamond.  But we all know about conditioning in this context.  In fact we can often resist the impulse to "buy it" precisely because we know their sole motivation is to separate us from our hard-earned cash as quickly and completely as possible.  Knowledge, or perhaps awareness, is our primary defense against this frontal assault.  Fortunately we become bored rather easily and the marketing geniuses are required to come up with "new and improved" ways to condition us.  So it is a constant psychological tug-of-war that keeps changing teams and playing fields in hopes of "winning".


But what if the conditioning was subtle?  What if it was done in such a way that we were not even aware it was happening?  What if it came at us from many different and unrelated sources?  And what if it was continuous and unwavering over an extremely long period of time, say 20 ........ 30 ......... even 40 years or more?  Just pondering the power of such a scenario sends a chill up my spine.  But this is the foe that an AWA (Adult with ADHD) faces on the battlefield of the brain.  And it is likely the most common cause of any failures we experience.  At the very least it is often a major contributor.


From the day we first open our eyes and let loose our first cry we are recording all of our experiences like a "nanny-cam".  But instead of just one input (video) we have up to 5 senses that we can record with (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell).  Often we record simultaneously with multiple senses, overlaying them in such a way as to compound the experience.  And any one of these "recordings" by itself can trigger a playback of the whole compounded experience either consciously, or sub-consciously.  A "conscious" playback would be a memory.  But a "sub-conscious" playback is a mechanism.  


When faced with a new experience there are only two options, we either react or respond.  They may sound like they are interchangeable terms but think about the context in which they are used ....... 


"He reacted to the medication"


"He responded to the medication"


There is definitely a difference.  Reacting tends to be more instinctual, automatic, often involuntary.  It is driven by past experience and/or repetition.  Our brain evaluates the new experience and compares it to past experiences we have had, formulating a reaction designed for survival.  The logic is that if it worked in the past it should work now.  But reacting does not allow time to consider whether the overall context has changed, or if our needs are the same as last time.  It is conditioned.  You might be surprised to learn that many of our "reactions" in adult life are driven by experiences we had as small children!  

Responding is more measured, thoughtful.  A response requires pause to consider both your needs and the context of the situation.  It weighs risks and possible outcomes.  It requires that you step outside the boundaries of conditioning and look beyond your own experience for a way to respond to the current situation.  Because of this, a response tends to be more positive, more satisfying, even if the eventual outcome is not what you desired.  With the possible exception of imminent "life or death" scenarios a response is almost always preferred over a reaction.

But throughout our lives we learn what is "normal" in society.  We are conditioned by example and through instruction from our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, bosses, coworkers ...... the list is long.  We are told we need to plan ahead, have goals, work hard, be disciplined, stay focused ...... any of this sound familiar?  The way we are taught in school places an emphasis on time and deadlines.  Our lives revolve around schedules (work week, trash pick-up day, payment due dates).  If we don't conform and perform according to "normal" expectations then we are labeled.  You know the terms ..... lazy, absent-minded, undisciplined, irresponsible, immature, etc.


It is difficult to "condition" a behavior in children.  Just ask a parent.  It can take months or even years to do so effectively.  And it is much harder to change it once it becomes habit, even if it's for the better.  But to change a behavior in an adult, when it has had decades to root and take hold can be an insurmountable challenge.  This is the conditioning the Adult with ADHD must overcome.  And this is why it is so important to identify ADHD early in life.  Not only so there are less years of conditioning to overcome, but so that the conditioning process can be appropriately adapted to be most beneficial for the child.  How we teach our children now will determine how they learn throughout their lives.  It will set the stage and provide the tools needed not only for personal growth but ultimately for teaching future generations how to respond to life's challenges.

j.d.

"C" is for ..............

Setbacks


Wait a minute, what happened to " C "?   Before you Start slinging more questions at me than I can possibly answer please remember, I have ADHD.  And with that comes a propensity to change things up mid-stream ......... often.  I don't offer this as an excuse but rather a feeble attempt at explanation.  For with awareness of the condition, and determination for change, comes a setback or two ........ hundred .... per day.  Or so it feels much of the time.  And this weekend I had another.  But it was different than what I've become accustomed to.  It was really subtle and I had to think (translation = "feel") a lot before the light went on.  It's not a bright light, just enough to be able to see my way if I squint real hard, but a light none the less.


It was the end of an incredibly stressful week.  You know the kind, where nothing goes as planned, you're in constant demand and you're expected to be more flexible than Gumby in a sauna?  Or so it seemed to me.  Finally it was almost over on Friday evening.  I had just finished a meeting in which I promised to have revisions to financial statements turned around by Monday.  It was a good meeting (one success) and I was wiped out and ready to crash.  I had done good by not over-promising (revisions over the weekend would have been the norm).  Another small success.  Then I got a second wind and decided to get the revisions done while they were fresh in mind (yet another success?).  I had made copious notes (another small success which has become habit) and could have easily completed the work Monday morning but I thought it would be nice to not have it nagging in the back of my mind all weekend (another success?).  It would be really nice to be able to focus on stuff I wanted to do at home for a change without worrying about work.  I got the revisions done, emails sent and went home feeling relaxed for the first time this week.  I was going to bask in my success .......


Well it sounded good in my head.  Now it's Sunday night and I've spent most of the weekend doing, well, I can't really remember and I'm feeling confused and a bit queasy.  It felt like no matter how hard I tried to do what I wanted to do I couldn't quite get myself to do it.  I thought that was only supposed to happen with things I "had" to do?   Like work or finances or family or ......... Groan!  There's that feeling again, anxiety.  Because I didn't do what I wanted?  But it was leisure time I missed.  Relaxation, hobby time, the stuff you do to relax that it doesn't matter if you finish or stick to a schedule.  It's a "journey" thing, you're not really supposed to actually finish it are you?  Aagh!!!

Sometimes Zen can be really frustrating!  But I'm keeping the faith.  I meditated on it for a couple days and I think I came up with something.  For quite some time now I've been working hard at keeping on top of the usual suspects (work, finances, family obligations).  Most, if not all, the failures and upheavals in my life have been in these areas.  The resulting fallout over the years has consumed all of my attention and energy leaving precious little for much else.  So you could say I've been rather vigilant in this respect, pouncing on them if they show even the slightest hint of "going astray".  This I would classify as an unqualified success in my battle with ADHD.  An unanticipated result of that success is that I have more time for "me", more time to spend doing things that I "don't have to do".  I've never really had much time for that, at least not where I was able to be fully engaged .... focused.  And if I did not get to do something for "me" it was always because I was dealing with the fall-out from the "other stuff".  So my ADHD was never able to visibly manifest in my subjective life.  Now I have the time and energy to devote to "me" and I've learned something new ........ ADHD is truly a neutral condition, an equal opportunity burden.  It will present an equal challenge in all areas of my life, for the rest of my life.  Yet again awareness has sneaked up on me and slapped me on the back of the head ......... and the light just got a little brighter.

j.d.

"C" is for .........................

Change


This is a big one.  When an adult learns they have ADHD, once they get past the requisite emotional reactions, they must begin formulating some kind of response to this life altering awareness.  There are only two possibilities .......

do nothing      or      Change.

Both are extreme responses with a vast expanse in between in which to swim ...... or drown.  Doing nothing is the easiest and most natural way for us to respond.  There are certainly no shortage of ways to distract ourselves from the stark reality that no matter how hard we may try we will never be able to conform to society's definition of "normal".  And our ability to resist succumbing to the most mundane distraction is weak on a good day.  But allowing ourselves to be lured away from the truth in such fashion is tantamount to "treading water".  And the fact is that no matter how long you can tread water eventually you will need to be rescued or you will sink and drown.  The only real variable here is whether or not you will have any company on the way down.


In keeping with this metaphor, change would be swimming.  But in which direction?  Which way will lead to success and a better life?   This choice, in hindsight, is the biggest challenge.  While you're trying to decide you must tread water, leaving yourself vulnerable to distraction.  So what is the answer to the "direction" question?

It doesn't matter......JUST START SWIMMING!


But what if you head out in the wrong direction?  It doesn't matter, you can figure it out as you go.  You can change direction.  You can even choose later to stop and tread water again, though I wouldn't recommend it.  A basic principal of Physics states that a body at rest will tend to remain at rest while a body in motion will tend to remain in motion ...... until acted upon by an outside force.  To overcome the inertia of either state, to move an object at rest or to stop an object in motion, requires the greatest amount of force.  Significantly less force is required to change the speed or direction of an object while in motion.  The object is obviously you.  The outside force here is choice.  Even if you make the wrong choice when you start out, the laws of physics would suggest it's easier to change direction while you are moving.  I remember learning to drive a stick shift in my Uncle's old shop truck which had no power steering.  It took both hands on the wheel, both feet planted firmly, and all my considerable body weight to turn that wheel while at a stop.  Interestingly enough once the truck was moving I could steer easily with a light touch of one hand.  Physics in action my friends.


Those of you who have been following me these past few months know that I have been struggling with ADHD all of my life, though I only became aware of it about 3 or 4 years ago.  When faced with the "choice" I opted to swim.  This choice was a bit easier than it might have been as I had the support of my therapist/coach, the individual responsible for facilitating my awareness.  As I began to tread water he, in his own subtle way, coaxed me into moving.  And shortly after I made my first wrong choice, the first of many ......... and I know there will be many many more before my time in this world is done.  I set out to affect major change in my life.  Once I decided to start swimming I set out strong and fast, eyes fixed hard on the horizon.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  Normally I would say that's a good thing, at least that's what I said a couple paragraphs ago, right? 

My mistake wasn't in my choice of what to do, but to whom it would be done.  I embarked on an educational odyssey, reading every book I could find, browsing every website.  I Googled and Binged so much I felt like Ricochet Rabbit on speed!  Whatever made sense (translation...was logical) I retained and discarded the rest.  I then took my new-found knowledge and proceeded to "educate" my family on why I am the way I am and what they could do to make life better for all of us.  If they could change the way they interact with me, be more aware of my "differences", be more patient and tolerant of my temper and moods..........


You get the point.  To most it would seem easier to change oneself than to try to alter the many people we interact with throughout our lives.  But from my perspective, I knew on some level that affecting tangible change in me ..... well, the odds were stacked severely against me.  And when was the last time you saw a "long-shot" win the race?  The challenge as I saw it was in the root of ADHD, attention deficit.  I read somewhere many years ago that it takes at least 30 contiguous days of repetition to form a lasting habit.  On a good day I might be able to muster 30 minutes.  What hope did I have of affecting a change in myself?  Much easier to toss the burden, along with an enticing benefit, to those with a greater chance of success, right?  Wow, was I ever wrong!  On so many levels there's not enough time or space to review them all here.  


After a time (and much coaching/therapy) I realized that I had to change.  But how?  My basement is piled with boxes of self improvement books and tapes and videos.  I've probably spent thousands of dollars over the years on programs to help me develop winning mindsets and successful practices.  Of all the posts on this blog I hope my wife misses this one.  One of her biggest complaints about me is that I never get rid of anything.  I'm a pack-rat!  I confess, guilty as charged.  (If she sees this I'll never hear the end of it).  But in my defense, when I do clean house I tend to throw the baby out with the bath water.  "Honey, I'm terrified I might accidentally throw you out with the boxes..."  


This led to another difficult decision for me, medication.  After much discussion with my coach, my doctor and a psychologist I decided to try pharmaceutical treatment.  But not as a permanent solution.  I was not ready to accept what in my eyes was defeat just yet.  My plan was to find a medication that would help me focus long enough to develop the habits and skills I would need to live successfully with ADHD.  Once satisfied that I could function satisfactorily without the meds I would discontinue them.  

Thus began a two and a half year odyssey over mountains, under oceans and everywhere in between.  There were successes and failures, benefits and side effects, elation and depression.  An inconceivable eternity that, in looking back, was little more than the blink of an eye.  I did eventually find a tolerable mix of medications that worked.  But I attribute much of my success to date to another difficult choice I made along this journey, to allow myself to lean on the support given by others.  While I am often quick to offer help to others I will seldom ask for it even when it's truly needed.  I am continually surprised at how willing others are to help without judgment.  It has been their steadying hand and encouragement that have often kept me moving.  And a few times when I felt beaten and just wanted to tread water, they swam with me or carried me on their shoulders for a bit.  The experience, though profoundly humbling, is also enlightening ....... Zen again. 

j.d.