Wait a minute, what happened to " C "? Before you Start slinging more questions at me than I can possibly answer please remember, I have ADHD. And with that comes a propensity to change things up mid-stream ......... often. I don't offer this as an excuse but rather a feeble attempt at explanation. For with awareness of the condition, and determination for change, comes a setback or two ........ hundred .... per day. Or so it feels much of the time. And this weekend I had another. But it was different than what I've become accustomed to. It was really subtle and I had to think (translation = "feel") a lot before the light went on. It's not a bright light, just enough to be able to see my way if I squint real hard, but a light none the less.
It was the end of an incredibly stressful week. You know the kind, where nothing goes as planned, you're in constant demand and you're expected to be more flexible than Gumby in a sauna? Or so it seemed to me. Finally it was almost over on Friday evening. I had just finished a meeting in which I promised to have revisions to financial statements turned around by Monday. It was a good meeting (one success) and I was wiped out and ready to crash. I had done good by not over-promising (revisions over the weekend would have been the norm). Another small success. Then I got a second wind and decided to get the revisions done while they were fresh in mind (yet another success?). I had made copious notes (another small success which has become habit) and could have easily completed the work Monday morning but I thought it would be nice to not have it nagging in the back of my mind all weekend (another success?). It would be really nice to be able to focus on stuff I wanted to do at home for a change without worrying about work. I got the revisions done, emails sent and went home feeling relaxed for the first time this week. I was going to bask in my success .......
Well it sounded good in my head. Now it's Sunday night and I've spent most of the weekend doing, well, I can't really remember and I'm feeling confused and a bit queasy. It felt like no matter how hard I tried to do what I wanted to do I couldn't quite get myself to do it. I thought that was only supposed to happen with things I "had" to do? Like work or finances or family or ......... Groan! There's that feeling again, anxiety. Because I didn't do what I wanted? But it was leisure time I missed. Relaxation, hobby time, the stuff you do to relax that it doesn't matter if you finish or stick to a schedule. It's a "journey" thing, you're not really supposed to actually finish it are you? Aagh!!!
Sometimes Zen can be really frustrating! But I'm keeping the faith. I meditated on it for a couple days and I think I came up with something. For quite some time now I've been working hard at keeping on top of the usual suspects (work, finances, family obligations). Most, if not all, the failures and upheavals in my life have been in these areas. The resulting fallout over the years has consumed all of my attention and energy leaving precious little for much else. So you could say I've been rather vigilant in this respect, pouncing on them if they show even the slightest hint of "going astray". This I would classify as an unqualified success in my battle with ADHD. An unanticipated result of that success is that I have more time for "me", more time to spend doing things that I "don't have to do". I've never really had much time for that, at least not where I was able to be fully engaged .... focused. And if I did not get to do something for "me" it was always because I was dealing with the fall-out from the "other stuff". So my ADHD was never able to visibly manifest in my subjective life. Now I have the time and energy to devote to "me" and I've learned something new ........ ADHD is truly a neutral condition, an equal opportunity burden. It will present an equal challenge in all areas of my life, for the rest of my life. Yet again awareness has sneaked up on me and slapped me on the back of the head ......... and the light just got a little brighter.
j.d.
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