"C" is for ..............

Communication

Unless you are a recluse that has devoted yourself to a life of solitude you will frequently be required to communicate with others.  If this applies to you then please read on.  If, however, you are a recluse ….. well, you probably don’t have a computer much less an internet connection so it would be kind of pointless to tell you anything here.  But it would not surprise me in the least if you told me that an overly large percentage of hermits have ADHD.  I guess the solitude could be tolerable with all the voices in our head to keep us company.  

There are as many ways to communicate as there are people to communicate with in this world.  But all forms of communication have one common requirement, someone to be on the receiving end of the communication.  The most common form is verbal of course, which requires the receiving party to have functional hearing.  There’s visual, which requires sight.  Then, of course, there’s the written word ….. and pictures and movies and video and computers and internet and holographic imaging …….. the list is quite long and growing faster than I can type.  Another common requirement of communication to successfully occur is for both parties to share a familiar language.  Primitive Man grunted and gestured with various body parts.  Later he evolved and drew pictographs on cave walls.  Today we not only have many different languages spanning the globe but, depending on the geography, there might be several different dialects as well.  And some may bear little resemblance to the common language!  Add into the mix the various colloquialisms that are geographically unique and you begin to get a sense of what I would call the "Babble Effect".  

So given the many sensory and linguistic hurdles that exist you might agree that communicating with another individual could present a rather daunting challenge.  But we are ADHD, every day is a challenge.  We love challenge.  But wait ………. be careful what you wish for.  There is one additional aspect to communicating that, by itself, can present an insurmountable challenge to even the stoutest of heart ……………

Perception!

The definition of perception is “Becoming aware of something via the senses”.  So the way we perceive something is determined, even restricted, by how our senses function.  But even if we all had five fully functioning senses it’s not that simple.  There is another facet to our perception that is ever changing and evolving ………. experience.  With each experience we have in life our perception of the world around us is altered.  Most of the time these changes are so minute as to go unnoticed.  Sometimes they are huge and life altering.  So from the day we are born until the day we die our perception is continuously twisting, turning, changing with each experience we have.  We are creating a perception “filter” through which all future experiences must pass.  And therein lays the crux of the communication conundrum.  We don’t all have the same experiences.  Each of us is unique in countless ways, including our experiences.  Even if, at some point in our lives, we have an identical experience it will be different because our “filter” at that particular moment is different.

Thoughout our lives we are creating boundaries, walls if you will, that contain us.  But they also restrain us as well because we cannot readily see beyond them.  You can both have functional hearing, sight and speech.  You can speak and write the same language right down to the dialect and colloquialisms.  You can even have a common understanding of visual methods and gestures (use your imagination).  But if you have a different perception of the situation or circumstances ……... if you think differently ……… there is little hope that successful communication can occur.

Unless one of you is willing to move outside your box, to peek over the wall or around your filter and try to experience a different perspective.  This is not nearly as easy as it sounds, even if you are not ADHD.  It goes against our ego, our basic belief that how we perceive the world is how it exists ……. for everyone.  On the most basic level we all believe (though few will openly admit it) that our perspective is the best.  If there is one thing I have learned in my struggles with ADHD it is that my way is the best way …….. for me!  It may not be the best, easiest, fastest, most efficient way for other people because they are different.  Their knowledge and experience and skill set is different than mine and, whether my ego will accept it or not, my way may not be the best for them.  The worst boss/manager I ever worked with micro-managed down to the last detail.  His way of doing things was the best way, you couldn’t possibly find a better way.  He was right in one sense.   Considering the time and energy it took to argue with him it was always easier to just give in and do it his way.   

As you can imagine I didn’t last very long in that job.  But I did learn a valuable lesson that I have carried with me to this day.  If I ask someone to do something for me I try not to tell them how to do it.  I try to give them the end result I desire and leave it to them to accomplish the task in their own way.  So even negative experiences can alter our perspective in a positive way.  It just requires that we be willing to entertain the possibility that a perspective different from our own can exist.  We must be willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, even to be wrong.  We must find a way to peek over the walls of our “box” and be open to a new experience.  Meditation has been very helpful to me in this endeavor but it may not work for you.  But perhaps you already know that.  Perhaps you know a way that I have not experienced yet that could work better.  Perhaps you could share your experience, good or bad, so we can learn and grow together.  I’m standing on tip-toe peeking over my wall ……………………

j.d.

"C" is for ...........

Conditioning.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear someone use the word "conditioning"?  When I was a younger athlete it was the worst part of practice.  When I was in Florida it meant "cool dry air" inside.  Now-a-days the first thing that comes to mind is the rather vocal young woman on the Herbal Essence Shampoo commercials.  Now that's conditioning!  It screams out to all "wash your hair with this and have an instant orgasm"!!!  And you can do it by yourself any time, anywhere ....... even in the bathroom at work on your lunch break!  (If you get caught by the boss please leave my name out of it).


The marketing and advertising world has a profound understanding of the power of conditioning.  Through the centuries they have refined it to an art form with all the strength, durability and dazzling brilliance of a fine cut diamond.  But we all know about conditioning in this context.  In fact we can often resist the impulse to "buy it" precisely because we know their sole motivation is to separate us from our hard-earned cash as quickly and completely as possible.  Knowledge, or perhaps awareness, is our primary defense against this frontal assault.  Fortunately we become bored rather easily and the marketing geniuses are required to come up with "new and improved" ways to condition us.  So it is a constant psychological tug-of-war that keeps changing teams and playing fields in hopes of "winning".


But what if the conditioning was subtle?  What if it was done in such a way that we were not even aware it was happening?  What if it came at us from many different and unrelated sources?  And what if it was continuous and unwavering over an extremely long period of time, say 20 ........ 30 ......... even 40 years or more?  Just pondering the power of such a scenario sends a chill up my spine.  But this is the foe that an AWA (Adult with ADHD) faces on the battlefield of the brain.  And it is likely the most common cause of any failures we experience.  At the very least it is often a major contributor.


From the day we first open our eyes and let loose our first cry we are recording all of our experiences like a "nanny-cam".  But instead of just one input (video) we have up to 5 senses that we can record with (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell).  Often we record simultaneously with multiple senses, overlaying them in such a way as to compound the experience.  And any one of these "recordings" by itself can trigger a playback of the whole compounded experience either consciously, or sub-consciously.  A "conscious" playback would be a memory.  But a "sub-conscious" playback is a mechanism.  


When faced with a new experience there are only two options, we either react or respond.  They may sound like they are interchangeable terms but think about the context in which they are used ....... 


"He reacted to the medication"


"He responded to the medication"


There is definitely a difference.  Reacting tends to be more instinctual, automatic, often involuntary.  It is driven by past experience and/or repetition.  Our brain evaluates the new experience and compares it to past experiences we have had, formulating a reaction designed for survival.  The logic is that if it worked in the past it should work now.  But reacting does not allow time to consider whether the overall context has changed, or if our needs are the same as last time.  It is conditioned.  You might be surprised to learn that many of our "reactions" in adult life are driven by experiences we had as small children!  

Responding is more measured, thoughtful.  A response requires pause to consider both your needs and the context of the situation.  It weighs risks and possible outcomes.  It requires that you step outside the boundaries of conditioning and look beyond your own experience for a way to respond to the current situation.  Because of this, a response tends to be more positive, more satisfying, even if the eventual outcome is not what you desired.  With the possible exception of imminent "life or death" scenarios a response is almost always preferred over a reaction.

But throughout our lives we learn what is "normal" in society.  We are conditioned by example and through instruction from our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, bosses, coworkers ...... the list is long.  We are told we need to plan ahead, have goals, work hard, be disciplined, stay focused ...... any of this sound familiar?  The way we are taught in school places an emphasis on time and deadlines.  Our lives revolve around schedules (work week, trash pick-up day, payment due dates).  If we don't conform and perform according to "normal" expectations then we are labeled.  You know the terms ..... lazy, absent-minded, undisciplined, irresponsible, immature, etc.


It is difficult to "condition" a behavior in children.  Just ask a parent.  It can take months or even years to do so effectively.  And it is much harder to change it once it becomes habit, even if it's for the better.  But to change a behavior in an adult, when it has had decades to root and take hold can be an insurmountable challenge.  This is the conditioning the Adult with ADHD must overcome.  And this is why it is so important to identify ADHD early in life.  Not only so there are less years of conditioning to overcome, but so that the conditioning process can be appropriately adapted to be most beneficial for the child.  How we teach our children now will determine how they learn throughout their lives.  It will set the stage and provide the tools needed not only for personal growth but ultimately for teaching future generations how to respond to life's challenges.

j.d.

"C" is for ..............

Setbacks


Wait a minute, what happened to " C "?   Before you Start slinging more questions at me than I can possibly answer please remember, I have ADHD.  And with that comes a propensity to change things up mid-stream ......... often.  I don't offer this as an excuse but rather a feeble attempt at explanation.  For with awareness of the condition, and determination for change, comes a setback or two ........ hundred .... per day.  Or so it feels much of the time.  And this weekend I had another.  But it was different than what I've become accustomed to.  It was really subtle and I had to think (translation = "feel") a lot before the light went on.  It's not a bright light, just enough to be able to see my way if I squint real hard, but a light none the less.


It was the end of an incredibly stressful week.  You know the kind, where nothing goes as planned, you're in constant demand and you're expected to be more flexible than Gumby in a sauna?  Or so it seemed to me.  Finally it was almost over on Friday evening.  I had just finished a meeting in which I promised to have revisions to financial statements turned around by Monday.  It was a good meeting (one success) and I was wiped out and ready to crash.  I had done good by not over-promising (revisions over the weekend would have been the norm).  Another small success.  Then I got a second wind and decided to get the revisions done while they were fresh in mind (yet another success?).  I had made copious notes (another small success which has become habit) and could have easily completed the work Monday morning but I thought it would be nice to not have it nagging in the back of my mind all weekend (another success?).  It would be really nice to be able to focus on stuff I wanted to do at home for a change without worrying about work.  I got the revisions done, emails sent and went home feeling relaxed for the first time this week.  I was going to bask in my success .......


Well it sounded good in my head.  Now it's Sunday night and I've spent most of the weekend doing, well, I can't really remember and I'm feeling confused and a bit queasy.  It felt like no matter how hard I tried to do what I wanted to do I couldn't quite get myself to do it.  I thought that was only supposed to happen with things I "had" to do?   Like work or finances or family or ......... Groan!  There's that feeling again, anxiety.  Because I didn't do what I wanted?  But it was leisure time I missed.  Relaxation, hobby time, the stuff you do to relax that it doesn't matter if you finish or stick to a schedule.  It's a "journey" thing, you're not really supposed to actually finish it are you?  Aagh!!!

Sometimes Zen can be really frustrating!  But I'm keeping the faith.  I meditated on it for a couple days and I think I came up with something.  For quite some time now I've been working hard at keeping on top of the usual suspects (work, finances, family obligations).  Most, if not all, the failures and upheavals in my life have been in these areas.  The resulting fallout over the years has consumed all of my attention and energy leaving precious little for much else.  So you could say I've been rather vigilant in this respect, pouncing on them if they show even the slightest hint of "going astray".  This I would classify as an unqualified success in my battle with ADHD.  An unanticipated result of that success is that I have more time for "me", more time to spend doing things that I "don't have to do".  I've never really had much time for that, at least not where I was able to be fully engaged .... focused.  And if I did not get to do something for "me" it was always because I was dealing with the fall-out from the "other stuff".  So my ADHD was never able to visibly manifest in my subjective life.  Now I have the time and energy to devote to "me" and I've learned something new ........ ADHD is truly a neutral condition, an equal opportunity burden.  It will present an equal challenge in all areas of my life, for the rest of my life.  Yet again awareness has sneaked up on me and slapped me on the back of the head ......... and the light just got a little brighter.

j.d.

"C" is for .........................

Change


This is a big one.  When an adult learns they have ADHD, once they get past the requisite emotional reactions, they must begin formulating some kind of response to this life altering awareness.  There are only two possibilities .......

do nothing      or      Change.

Both are extreme responses with a vast expanse in between in which to swim ...... or drown.  Doing nothing is the easiest and most natural way for us to respond.  There are certainly no shortage of ways to distract ourselves from the stark reality that no matter how hard we may try we will never be able to conform to society's definition of "normal".  And our ability to resist succumbing to the most mundane distraction is weak on a good day.  But allowing ourselves to be lured away from the truth in such fashion is tantamount to "treading water".  And the fact is that no matter how long you can tread water eventually you will need to be rescued or you will sink and drown.  The only real variable here is whether or not you will have any company on the way down.


In keeping with this metaphor, change would be swimming.  But in which direction?  Which way will lead to success and a better life?   This choice, in hindsight, is the biggest challenge.  While you're trying to decide you must tread water, leaving yourself vulnerable to distraction.  So what is the answer to the "direction" question?

It doesn't matter......JUST START SWIMMING!


But what if you head out in the wrong direction?  It doesn't matter, you can figure it out as you go.  You can change direction.  You can even choose later to stop and tread water again, though I wouldn't recommend it.  A basic principal of Physics states that a body at rest will tend to remain at rest while a body in motion will tend to remain in motion ...... until acted upon by an outside force.  To overcome the inertia of either state, to move an object at rest or to stop an object in motion, requires the greatest amount of force.  Significantly less force is required to change the speed or direction of an object while in motion.  The object is obviously you.  The outside force here is choice.  Even if you make the wrong choice when you start out, the laws of physics would suggest it's easier to change direction while you are moving.  I remember learning to drive a stick shift in my Uncle's old shop truck which had no power steering.  It took both hands on the wheel, both feet planted firmly, and all my considerable body weight to turn that wheel while at a stop.  Interestingly enough once the truck was moving I could steer easily with a light touch of one hand.  Physics in action my friends.


Those of you who have been following me these past few months know that I have been struggling with ADHD all of my life, though I only became aware of it about 3 or 4 years ago.  When faced with the "choice" I opted to swim.  This choice was a bit easier than it might have been as I had the support of my therapist/coach, the individual responsible for facilitating my awareness.  As I began to tread water he, in his own subtle way, coaxed me into moving.  And shortly after I made my first wrong choice, the first of many ......... and I know there will be many many more before my time in this world is done.  I set out to affect major change in my life.  Once I decided to start swimming I set out strong and fast, eyes fixed hard on the horizon.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  Normally I would say that's a good thing, at least that's what I said a couple paragraphs ago, right? 

My mistake wasn't in my choice of what to do, but to whom it would be done.  I embarked on an educational odyssey, reading every book I could find, browsing every website.  I Googled and Binged so much I felt like Ricochet Rabbit on speed!  Whatever made sense (translation...was logical) I retained and discarded the rest.  I then took my new-found knowledge and proceeded to "educate" my family on why I am the way I am and what they could do to make life better for all of us.  If they could change the way they interact with me, be more aware of my "differences", be more patient and tolerant of my temper and moods..........


You get the point.  To most it would seem easier to change oneself than to try to alter the many people we interact with throughout our lives.  But from my perspective, I knew on some level that affecting tangible change in me ..... well, the odds were stacked severely against me.  And when was the last time you saw a "long-shot" win the race?  The challenge as I saw it was in the root of ADHD, attention deficit.  I read somewhere many years ago that it takes at least 30 contiguous days of repetition to form a lasting habit.  On a good day I might be able to muster 30 minutes.  What hope did I have of affecting a change in myself?  Much easier to toss the burden, along with an enticing benefit, to those with a greater chance of success, right?  Wow, was I ever wrong!  On so many levels there's not enough time or space to review them all here.  


After a time (and much coaching/therapy) I realized that I had to change.  But how?  My basement is piled with boxes of self improvement books and tapes and videos.  I've probably spent thousands of dollars over the years on programs to help me develop winning mindsets and successful practices.  Of all the posts on this blog I hope my wife misses this one.  One of her biggest complaints about me is that I never get rid of anything.  I'm a pack-rat!  I confess, guilty as charged.  (If she sees this I'll never hear the end of it).  But in my defense, when I do clean house I tend to throw the baby out with the bath water.  "Honey, I'm terrified I might accidentally throw you out with the boxes..."  


This led to another difficult decision for me, medication.  After much discussion with my coach, my doctor and a psychologist I decided to try pharmaceutical treatment.  But not as a permanent solution.  I was not ready to accept what in my eyes was defeat just yet.  My plan was to find a medication that would help me focus long enough to develop the habits and skills I would need to live successfully with ADHD.  Once satisfied that I could function satisfactorily without the meds I would discontinue them.  

Thus began a two and a half year odyssey over mountains, under oceans and everywhere in between.  There were successes and failures, benefits and side effects, elation and depression.  An inconceivable eternity that, in looking back, was little more than the blink of an eye.  I did eventually find a tolerable mix of medications that worked.  But I attribute much of my success to date to another difficult choice I made along this journey, to allow myself to lean on the support given by others.  While I am often quick to offer help to others I will seldom ask for it even when it's truly needed.  I am continually surprised at how willing others are to help without judgment.  It has been their steadying hand and encouragement that have often kept me moving.  And a few times when I felt beaten and just wanted to tread water, they swam with me or carried me on their shoulders for a bit.  The experience, though profoundly humbling, is also enlightening ....... Zen again. 

j.d.    

"B" is for......................

Birth


When someone asks your birthday most would respond with the month and date.  We tend to think of birthdays as an annual occurrence, each an event in its own right.  Some would respond with the month, date and year referencing the day they were brought forth into this life as a singular event.  And still others would refer you to a specific turning point in their life, a time when their life changed so dramatically they felt reborn.  Generally this last one is the province of religious converts and/or reformed alcoholics and addicts.  But I would hope that some day in the not-so-distant future we could add another group to this list.................adults with ADHD.


Now if you've read any of my previous posts you will probably be raising your eyebrows or scratching your head.  For me there was no "A-HA" moment, no blinding flash of light.  But for many, when they find the right treatment or prescription, it is just that ..... like someone flipped on a switch.  Those individuals will likely remember the month, date and year when this happened.........just like the day they were born.  And in a sense, they were.  There is a stark contrast between life before and life after for many.  But flipping the switch is only part of the challenge.  


For some, life begins anew, like they've been given a clean slate.  They can find a new job, new mate, renew old relationships.  They can start building from the ground up.  For others, like myself, rebuilding is the single most daunting challenge of our life.  Before we can even start planning our new life we must repair the damage done in our prior life.  Not in the metaphysical sense of "prior lives", but prior to becoming aware of our ADHD.  A common result of undiagnosed ADHD in the adult is that we tend to leave quite a bit of damage in our wake.  Financial damage in the form of overwhelming debts, liens, collection accounts and judgments is common.  As is emotional damage such as failed relationships/marriages, lost friendships, estranged family, etc.  And employment  history is rarely stable.  What do you do if you look back at your prior life and see a path strewn with the castoff and debris resulting from your lack of focus and poor choices?  Wrestling with your sense of obligation and responsibility, you wonder how you can possibly repair all the damage you've left in your wake.  How do you reconcile your conscience and character with the deep desire to begin anew?


One teeny tiny step at a time.  This is one of the most daunting challenges for me.  I've spent much of my life in the pursuit of instant gratification.  Not surprising given my rather short attention span.  But then if you're reading this you already know that.  In spite of the damage I've done throughout my life, or perhaps because of it, I feel a very strong need to make things right.  To accept responsibility for my actions and make good on my obligations.  Something that will likely take a lot of time and tremendous motivation to accomplish for sure.  Oddly enough the source of motivation came as quite a surprise to me.  It's my kids.  


I know it's cliche to talk about wanting more for your kids than you had yourself.  Heck, it's cliche to talk in cliches.  But as I watch my kids grow and mature (much too fast!) I can't help but wonder what kind of father I have been to them.  I read an excerpt from an article recently that was written by a gentleman who became aware of his ADHD late in life, well after his kids were grown and independent.  He talked about being an absentee parent.  He had learned coping devices to help him succeed at work but they did not carry over into family.  When I consider my role in family I can't help wonder if I have also been an absentee parent.  Sure I'm there to take them to the doctor when they are sick.  I coached their pee-wee soccer teams and little league.  Now they are older and play in scholastic sports I try to make it to an occasional match but it's difficult in this economy to juggle work and family.  I try to teach them discipline and respect though it usually devolves into an argument or shouting match (if you have teenagers you understand) and I never quite know "who won".  I try to involve them in things I love to do, exposing them to new things, though they show little interest.  I've even tried getting them to teach me some of the things they are interested in.  Have you tried learning the new video games?  It ain't Pac-man for sure!  They learned to ski by the age of three, largely thanks to my parents, and they love the sport.  But it still, like most everything else, takes a back seat to social events or just hanging out with their friends.  I'm feeling their childhood slip through my fingers so fast I can't even see it go.  It's like trying to hold air in your hands and it's scary.  

I look back on my life and all that it could have been, all the mistakes I made ......... the damage in my wake.  I can reason that this is a natural part of life and that my kids will have trials of their own.  I know I can't shield them from life, much as I try.  But have I done my best to equip them with the knowledge and tools to cope with life on their own?  Have I lived up to my responsibility as a parent?  Even when I was there, was I really "there"?  The answer to that question in most cases was a resounding NO!  Even though I was physically there it was very difficult to be engaged in the present moment (that's zen, right?).  My body was there but my mind was a gazillion miles away racing through space and time...............


Over the past couple years I have learned a couple things about myself and ADHD.  Count this as one of those little successes, a teeny tiny step if you will.  I find it easy to engage one on one in a secure surrounding.  More than one person and it's a challenge to even keep up with the conversation much less anything else.  So for the most part family outings have been mentally grueling, physically draining events that quickly reduce me to an edgy, snapping, stressed out control fiend.  I found little in the way of pleasure where for years I felt I should (the bar was set so high it was out of reach).  Just the mention of an upcoming gathering was enough start me spiraling in.  There must be something seriously wrong with me!  Then a truly wonderful thing happened while driving my son home from a Lacrosse match ........... we talked.  I mean it was this incredible conversation.  It wasn't about anything profound and maybe that's the point.  We were just talking.  The 10 minute ride home felt like hours.  Time slowed, background faded.  So this is what it's like to be "in the present", to be engaged in the moment and connect with another human being.  The conversation may not have been profound but the experience ............. 

awesome!!!

Since then I've been experimenting with this and I have had both good and bad experiences.  I am less of an absentee father and husband, and my wife and kids seem to talk to me more about their daily lives.  I feel like I have more "calm" than "chaos" these days.  And I still know that tonight's dinner will be a struggle.  We're celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary and of course we are going to a very nice restaurant.  Then again maybe it won't be such a struggle.  My expectations are different, the bar reset.  So perhaps I've learned something.  It's no "giant leap for mankind"......... but it sure is a powerful motivator.

j.d.

"B" is for..........

Battle !!!

The bombardment of stimulus, non-stop barrage of thoughts, distractions clamoring for attention like fists of fury beating at my brain's door........the battle of daily life with ADHD.  Some days it truly feels like a battle, the campaign waged moment to moment, on a battlefield hidden from view inside my head.  Though I regularly make positive progress it is often microscopically minute, difficult to see unless viewed in the context of a much longer period of time.  Sometimes the progress can only be identified as a slight deceleration of the backward slide.  But on rare occasions it's not only visible, it's visceral.  

Kind of like the car accident I very nearly had this morning.  It was raining a bit, making the roads just slick enough to warrant caution though few, if any, pay much heed.  I was driving through town while talking with my wife on the cell phone (arrest me, I was not on "hands-free").  The car in front of me, driven by a young woman talking on her cell phone (how dare she!), had just cut me off at the Yield sign.  As I followed her, letting fly a few choice expletives, she slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting the car that was now running the next Yield sign in front of her.  As I choked on "*&$%#!@!" it was promptly replaced (into my wife's ear of course) by "oh sh*t, Oh Sh*t, OH SH*T..............."

Thank goodness for ABS brakes (and the helping hand that MUST have come to my aid) as I shuddered to a stop just inches from her rear bumper.  Afterward, while pondering the experience, I marveled at how much that one moment seemed to parallel my life.  I struggle and strive to improve life for myself and those around me and yet, almost on a daily basis, I feel a sense of the inevitable bearing down unwavering upon me.  Events set in motion years ago coming straight at me.  It has me square in its sights and is on a collision course.  My mind is racing, eyes casting about for escape routes, calculating and discarding options at light speed...........


It's all for naught.  Though I have learned to accept that placing myself in its path was, and always is, within my control the end result of this chain of events set in motion quite often is not.  I chose this path.  I chose to participate.  I chose to act in a potentially unsafe manner with full knowledge of the impact my actions could have.  I chose, perhaps unwittingly, to set this machine in motion.  And in the panic of realizing I was powerless to evade the inevitable, instinct took over and .......... I asked for help.  While my wife was hearing "OH SH*T" I heard myself thinking "please help me".  


Who was I asking for help?  Where did I think it was going to come from?  In what form?  I don't know.  It wasn't like I had a plan to ask, there was no conscious intent or envisioned result.  It just happened.  Some part of me saw the events unfolding and decided to step up on my behalf and do what I would have ordinarily never considered.... asked for help.  And the really scary part is it was given.  

Now we could forever debate whether or not I actually received some form of external assistance in that particular moment of crisis.  But regardless of which side of the debate you align with it does present some interesting parallels with the battles waged by the adult with ADHD.  Even in the darkest of times when I feel like I've exhausted all options and possibilities of success, when I ask for help it is most often granted.  Rarely is it in the form I had envisioned or hoped for, and often I am unaware of its occurrence.  I'm so wrapped up in the crisis of the moment that I'm oblivious to all else.  But the more I look back over times of crisis it is fairly clear that there was some outside influence on events as they unfolded.  Which leads me, and perhaps some of you, to the conclusion that there is a higher power at work in our lives.  Some may call it God, Allah, Vishnu or some other identifiable deity.  Others may believe it is a higher self or soul.  And still others will call it Angels or Guardians.  All personifications of sorts.  Personally I'm still struggling with this part.  But however you choose to envision it , and even if you choose not to, you have to admit that there is a force at work around us that is at once both greater than us and incomprehensible.  And this is the point where many discussions turn to "faith".


Faith means different things to different people.  Though a bit cliche I doubt anyone would disagree on this point.  But I will save that debate for the "F" postings.  I have dismissed faith in most forms for much of my life, ascribing it to those too lazy or fearful to make their own way in this world.  Sounds like a "logical" conclusion, right?  But even Albert Einstein, whom many would agree to be one of the most logical minds in human history, professed in his latter years to being a deeply spiritual man.  Shortly before his death he was quoted:

A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive

I printed the quote in its entirety as I found it to deter any concerns of misrepresentation.  Though it's not the entire quote, but the first three sentences, that intrigue me the most.  And perhaps contain a key to a means of better managing the "battle".  Perhaps by finding a way to look beyond the confluence of chaos in our head we might experience the profound immensity of the universe beyond our ourselves and, in looking back within, glimpse our own connection.  Some would say this knowledge alone could be liberating.  One can hope.  The challenge is not in attaining the knowledge of this experience, the destination if you will.  The challenge is finding a path that can lead you there.  How do you get past the "battlefield" to find the path beyond?

The answer will be different for each individual.  As for myself, at this time, I am placing my faith in meditation.  So far it seems to at least get me off the battlefield and into the woods.  I can still hear the fading sounds of the raging battle in the distance, and it gets darker as I venture deeper into the woods, but for the moment I have faith that a path exists somewhere in here.  Hopefully, I will stumble upon it in this lifetime.  I offer this not as a prescription but as my own experience.  What works for me will likely not work for others.  So I am, as always, open to alternatives and interested in your experiences as well.  I hope that you will share yours with us.

j.d.

Alas.......Another "A"

Please forgive me as I beg your indulgence for a few moments.  When I set out on this journey called "blog" it was my intent to spend a couple weeks writing about different aspects of life as an adult with ADHD that began with a particular letter of the alphabet.  A bit hokey perhaps but the "alphabet" provided a bit of structure that could be helpful in keeping me focused.  And the idea did occur intuitively and, for better or worse, I am learning to follow my intuition wherever it may lead.  


It has now been almost 6 weeks since I started this blog and I am still working on the "A's". Upon reflection I have decided there are two reasons for this.  First, but the lesser reason, there are more "A" words than I had anticipated (many suggested to me by family, friends and colleagues).  So, being the adaptable individual that I am, I have adapted my original premise to spend more or less time on a particular "letter" as it may require.  Your suggestions and ideas will also help determine the time allotment.  Second, and the primary cause for this digression from the plan is.....SUPRISE!!!.....I have ADHD.  Nobody was more surprised than me at this one.  But I will endeavor to persevere.  So please bear with me as I delve into yet another "A"...........


Alternatives


Typically when one becomes aware of their ADHD they first look to the medical community for help and direction.  This is where they will come into contact with many learned professionals, some of which I have mentioned in earlier postings.  They will read books, search websites, talk with doctors, psychologists and therapists.  They will quickly learn about all the pharmaceuticals available to "treat" ADHD like Strattera, Ritalin, Concerta, and Adderall to name a few.  Those who are predisposed to the natural lifestyle will most certainly begin their search outside of the pharmaceutical arena.  But the vast majority of adults who have been raised in our western health culture will look to nature only after exhausting all other medical options, if at all.  Falling into this category myself, and having had limited success with pharmaceuticals, I am now beginning to research more natural alternatives to "meds".  

Now when it comes to a more natural lifestyle I am admittedly ignorant.  I occasionally partake of the local fast food franchise (though my kids will tell you I live on the stuff).  I have an occasional sweet treat (okay, I tend to binge on sugar more often than I care to admit).  And I enjoy a fine cigar with a good single-batch bourbon now and then (every man needs a vice).  Truth be told, I will often choose "quick and convenient" over healthy whenever available.  So you could say I don't pay a whole lot of attention to how I treat my "temple".  But I do try to be open-minded and am willing to learn.  So it may come as a surprise that I have little to say on today's topic.  I am turning the podium over to you, the experts, hoping that you will help shorten my (and others) learning curve on this one.  As we are all aware, focus is a problem and anything with a longer learning curve will fade into oblivion and dis-use rather quickly.

In closing there is one thing that quickly becomes painfully and frustratingly obvious to me in the search for "alternative treatments".  The path is more convoluted and branched than the neural pathways of the human brain............and there is little in the way of help or guidance available, leaving us to our own wits to discern the beneficial from the bogus.

So if you have tried an "alternative treatment" for your ADHD please tell us about your thoughts and experience.  If you are considering an alternative but are unsure or would like more information please ask us.  Perhaps you will get feedback from those who have experience with it.  As always, it is my intent for this blog to be a safe haven for sharing, learning and healing.   I welcome comments and questions so please share with us.

j.d.