Alas.......Another "A"

Please forgive me as I beg your indulgence for a few moments.  When I set out on this journey called "blog" it was my intent to spend a couple weeks writing about different aspects of life as an adult with ADHD that began with a particular letter of the alphabet.  A bit hokey perhaps but the "alphabet" provided a bit of structure that could be helpful in keeping me focused.  And the idea did occur intuitively and, for better or worse, I am learning to follow my intuition wherever it may lead.  


It has now been almost 6 weeks since I started this blog and I am still working on the "A's". Upon reflection I have decided there are two reasons for this.  First, but the lesser reason, there are more "A" words than I had anticipated (many suggested to me by family, friends and colleagues).  So, being the adaptable individual that I am, I have adapted my original premise to spend more or less time on a particular "letter" as it may require.  Your suggestions and ideas will also help determine the time allotment.  Second, and the primary cause for this digression from the plan is.....SUPRISE!!!.....I have ADHD.  Nobody was more surprised than me at this one.  But I will endeavor to persevere.  So please bear with me as I delve into yet another "A"...........


Alternatives


Typically when one becomes aware of their ADHD they first look to the medical community for help and direction.  This is where they will come into contact with many learned professionals, some of which I have mentioned in earlier postings.  They will read books, search websites, talk with doctors, psychologists and therapists.  They will quickly learn about all the pharmaceuticals available to "treat" ADHD like Strattera, Ritalin, Concerta, and Adderall to name a few.  Those who are predisposed to the natural lifestyle will most certainly begin their search outside of the pharmaceutical arena.  But the vast majority of adults who have been raised in our western health culture will look to nature only after exhausting all other medical options, if at all.  Falling into this category myself, and having had limited success with pharmaceuticals, I am now beginning to research more natural alternatives to "meds".  

Now when it comes to a more natural lifestyle I am admittedly ignorant.  I occasionally partake of the local fast food franchise (though my kids will tell you I live on the stuff).  I have an occasional sweet treat (okay, I tend to binge on sugar more often than I care to admit).  And I enjoy a fine cigar with a good single-batch bourbon now and then (every man needs a vice).  Truth be told, I will often choose "quick and convenient" over healthy whenever available.  So you could say I don't pay a whole lot of attention to how I treat my "temple".  But I do try to be open-minded and am willing to learn.  So it may come as a surprise that I have little to say on today's topic.  I am turning the podium over to you, the experts, hoping that you will help shorten my (and others) learning curve on this one.  As we are all aware, focus is a problem and anything with a longer learning curve will fade into oblivion and dis-use rather quickly.

In closing there is one thing that quickly becomes painfully and frustratingly obvious to me in the search for "alternative treatments".  The path is more convoluted and branched than the neural pathways of the human brain............and there is little in the way of help or guidance available, leaving us to our own wits to discern the beneficial from the bogus.

So if you have tried an "alternative treatment" for your ADHD please tell us about your thoughts and experience.  If you are considering an alternative but are unsure or would like more information please ask us.  Perhaps you will get feedback from those who have experience with it.  As always, it is my intent for this blog to be a safe haven for sharing, learning and healing.   I welcome comments and questions so please share with us.

j.d.

"A" is for................

Addiction.

Let's play word association.  I say "addiction", you say........

(pause for your answer)

Just hearing the word conjures several images, all dark and negative.  What was the first word that popped into your head?  For most people, myself included, the first word that comes to mind is drugs.  Alcohol probably runs a close second with sex or food vying for third.  And like many adults living with ADHD I have, to some degree, had my run-ins with all of them.  Since becoming aware of my ADHD I have spent a great deal of time reviewing my life and contemplating its impact on myself and those around me.  Much of my experience with the addictions above occurred in my earlier adult life, in my late teens and twenties.  

Now to be clear, I do not consider myself to have ever been an addict in the traditional sense and it is not my intent to marginalize the addict.  I have never been physically or emotionally dependent on a substance.  Nor have I found myself craving the "high" at the expense of physical safety and security (though, on occasion, I still enjoy a good "adrenaline rush").  Though addiction in the traditional sense does seem to affect a larger than average number of Adults With ADHD (AWA), the addiction reference I would like to examine here is more subtle in nature, more intimate.  The addiction I struggle with is mental.  I can't label it "psychological" or "emotional" because I am not a qualified medical practitioner or therapist and I do not wish to cross the hair-thin line upon which I am tip-toeing at the moment.  Perhaps I should have some form of disclaimer prominently posted.  I'll have to give that some consideration.  But I digress (it's a flaw).  

I call it "mental", not in the descriptive sense we used the word as kids ("that stunt he pulled was mental....) but rather "of the mind".  I've mentioned in prior posts that I have spent most of my life evaluating everything, all experiences, from a logical perspective.  I have always attempted to "think it through" or "reason it out" or, my personal favorite, "make sense of it".  Make sense of it.  Now there's an oxymoron.  Sense is something more readily associated with feelings and sensations.  It's less tangible, more ethereal, more.........gut.  And yet it is commonly used as a descriptive for the application of logic and reason.  And therein lies both the cause, and by-product, of my addiction.

I remember reading an article a long time ago that recounted how a large truck had become stuck under an overpass because it's payload was just a couple inches too tall.  Before long the road had been closed, there were police and fire personnel redirecting traffic to alternate routes, and several engineers and DOT crews had been dispatched to figure out how to get the truck out of its current predicament.  Several hours were spent trying to find a way to dislodge the truck and it was finally decided that the payload would have to be dismantled, taken off the truck and reloaded onto another truck for re-routing around the overpass.  Then the "now unstuck truck" could simply drive on.  During all of this a crowd of onlookers had gathered and it was at this moment a young boy leaned over to his father and whispered "why don't they just let some air out of the tires?".

Like the experts in the story above, I quite often fall into the trap of making the assumption that the optimum solution to any problem is necessarily complicated.  Even my description is complex.  I could certainly have said "the answer is never simple", couldn't I?  Often a tremendous amount of energy is spent arriving at these solutions.  Theories are hypothesized, prospective solutions tested, failures analyzed. And just as often there is a simple solution that is equally effective.  And there is where I start to wonder why.  Why do I jump right into the complex without first considering the simple (it's not always obvious)?  Does the desire for a complex solution come from the Ego?  Do we need to exhibit our mental prowess in search of validation?  Is it an attempt to set ourselves apart, superior to our competition (survival of the fittest)?  Or is it a primordial appendage we refuse to consider extraneous and obsolete (even though it might be)?  

Or is it simply a distraction................a diversion of energy and focus from what's really important?  Regardless of which answer is right, the results for the AWA (Adult With ADHD) are the same.......... failure on some level.  

So let's not get distracted debating which is right when we agree on the outcome.  We get ourselves so wrapped up in the distraction that we completely forget what we were supposed to be doing when the distraction caught our attention.  And the "important" thing does not get done, or worse, it get's done sloppily in our haste to complete it as soon after the missed deadline as possible.  If we're lucky there was a reminder before the deadline.  But more often it's the sudden realization that the deadline is past that spurs us into panicked overdrive.  And like it or not, I seem to be addicted to the varied distractions that cause this problem.  Or perhaps it is the adrenaline rush that comes with the recognition of the problem.  Or maybe it is the state of "hyper-focus" that this distraction may induce (bliss for the AWA).  Or perhaps it's not the addiction at all, but the fear that the addiction helps me to avoid.  But then it would be more "denial" than "distraction" wouldn't it?  I'll have to dive deeper into that one another time.  It's a lot to consider.  I'd like to hear your thoughts.........if you're not too distracted.

j.d.

"A" is for.............

Anxiety.   

This is an easy one to identify, though for me it is hard to write about.  Anxiety is quite often the gateway to "awareness" for ADHD.  It's also a big energy sucker that often contributes to the "anger" experience I've spoken of in an earlier post.  Talk about your symbiotic relationship.......isn't it neat how they all help each other?

All sarcasm aside (well maybe not all of it), growing anxiety often causes people to seek out professionals who are able to help them identify its root cause.  In the process, they may identify ADHD as a suspect or potential contributor.  There are two reasons I know this.  First, anxiety (and its oft associated depression) are what drove me to seek the help of a professional who fairly quickly suspected and screened for ADHD.  Second, a common pronouncement in all of the books and studies I have read since then is that ADHD rarely presents as a solo act.  Either it's masked by other conditions (i.e. bi-polar disorder) or it contributes to the manifestation of other conditions (i.e. anxiety, depression).

If, like me, you have spent most of your life processing everything with the logical side of your brain (trying to "make sense" of it) discovering you may be affected to some degree by ADHD will launch you on an educational odyssey.  Some of you may be a bit confused by my seeming lack of conviction when it comes to the diagnosis of ADHD.  This is because I have learned it is not a condition that is easily diagnosed.  In fact, I'm not certain that it actually can be "diagnosed" at all.  There are no definitive tests nor readily identifiable markers, you can't see it on a CAT scan or MRI.  Most of the tools used in identifying ADHD are cognitive screens and psychological profiles used in combination with a detailed personal history.  Also, identifying other neurological and/or psychological conditions (i.e. depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety) that studies have shown often present along with ADHD can be an indication of its presence.  As far as I have been able to learn, ADHD is one of those afflictions (hmm, a word for my next post perhaps?) that can only be "confirmed" after administration of a successful treatment has occurred.  Sort of like confirming diagnosis of a bacterial infection after antibiotics have been administered and discovering the infection "is cured".  That might cause a bit of anxiety, don't you think?


But that is what I would refer to as "secondary anxiety".  It happens after you discover you might have ADHD.  The anxiety I started this post with, the type that can consume a person and condemn them to a lifetime of fear and misery, is more directly associated with the life situations caused by the ADHD.  Using myself as an example, the two biggest causes of anxiety in my life have been "money" and "forgetfulness".  I put these "words" in quotations because they are the mainstream labels that are often applied to the "symptoms" of ADHD, but they are not the real problem.  Just like the oft misquoted biblical passage, "money" is not the root of all evil, it is "the love of money that is the root of all evil".  And "forgetfulness" is often construed as a lack of caring or concern. 


Take the "money" problem for instance.  It could be the obvious "lack" of money.  Or it could be overwhelming debt.  Or buyer's remorse (on steroids).  It could also be irresponsible generosity.  There are more that I can't think of at the moment I'm sure.  So it presents many obstacles, each of which by itself might be easily overcome.  But when you throw them together in combination they present a very potent combo.  Where do you start?  How do you juggle them all, balancing the energy between them?  It's like being forced to juggle 8 balls when you're still trying to figure out how to keep 2 in the air.  You are going to drop one.  And while you stoop to pick it up........2 more drop.  And while you're retrieving them.........they throw 2 more into the mix, now you're trying to juggle 10..........can someone please stop this carousel, I think I'm going to be sick!


That was easy (oops, sarcasm).  Now for the really hard stuff.  Let's layer "forgetfulness" on top of the "money" shall we?  Here's the scenario..........


You create a debt burden through a combination of the following........you drop out of college and bounce from one job to the next living week to week........you lend next month's rent to a friend who needs it "bad".........you buy a car you can't afford (on an easy payment plan) with money you don't have........you use Visa to buy food and gas because you've spent all your cash already (the credit companies love this one).........and now you have to "manage" your monthly bills, which you "forgot" about while you were doing all of the above.  You have to juggle the money you don't have to pay the bills you wish you hadn't incurred.........

and in through your door strolls "forgetfulness".  You "forget" to pay the credit card bill.......or the car payment.....or the mortgage payment........it really doesn't matter which domino tips first.  By the time you realize what is happening you are in the midst of a full-scale cascade.........or maybe "avalanche" is more descriptive.  Many would label the forgetfulness as "denial" or "absent-mindedness" or "irresponsibility".  You didn't just drop one ball this time...............and while you're looking up for the next ball to drop, you realize that all 12 are bouncing around your ankles.  And as you're looking down in horror the one you forgot thunks you squarely on top of your head.  Yowch!

But the plain truth is that a major part of ADHD is an inability to manage anything long-term.  Long-term requires focus, and focus is something found only on our wish list.........if we're able to focus long enough to create one.  "Long-term" for many of us can be defined in terms of hours, not days or weeks.  The import of focus to ADHD can be readily seen in this affliction's name "Attention Deficit".  It is such an important part of ADHD that it is given a full 50% of this "disorder's" name.....and its first name at that.  As for me, I have the attention span of a gnat conversing with a flea at a three ring circus on the 4th of July during fireworks.  How the [@#!$%&*] am I supposed to remember to pay a bill that's due 30 days from now?!!  And, as inevitably happens, when I miss the due date another ball is thrown into the juggling.....penalties and higher interest rates which increase future payments due.....more financial pressure.  Which inexorably causes............


ANXIETY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


So, is there a way off this carousel.......or do we keep spinning faster and faster until, no longer having the strength to hold on, we are flung unconscious into the open arms of oblivion?  (I know, a bit dramatic).  Possibly.  It depends on the individual I think.  It depends on their desire to change, their commitment meet the challenge, the strength of their support network and most importantly....awareness.  I can have little, if any, impact on the first three.  But it is my hope that this blog can help raise awareness for those adults who are living with ADHD and not aware of it.  To provide a resource for information, education and support.  I don't profess to have all the answers, only my own experience.  I hope that many will share their experience here as well so that we may all benefit and learn from each other.  I also hope this blog can become a resource to the family, friends and colleagues surrounding the ADHD adult, that it may provide a deeper understanding and insight into the struggles and challenges that are a part of our daily lives.  I hope that, over time, this blog will provide.......hope.

j.d.