Sub-Title
A Journey from the Head to the Heart.............
Anger!
Well, maybe that's a bit strong, but agitation isn't quite strong enough. Or perhaps what starts out as an irritation simmers through agitation until it boils over into anger. Yep, that's the ticket. Many who are unfamiliar with ADHD would say "he's got a short temper". And I might be inclined to agree if it weren't for all the failed attempts at stress/anger management over the years. There are a multitude of courses and programs available to help one learn how to manage the stress and anger in their lives. They span the spectrum from the Mayo Clinic's "10 Ways To Tame Your Temper" to "Dr. Joe's Online Anger Management Class" (yes, it's real). There's even a 5 minute anger management course on You-Tube, perfect for the ultra-short attention span of ADHD!
I kid you not. In fact, I think that many of these plans should have a disclaimer like you see your favorite cereal box. You know, "Eating this cereal will reduce your risk of heart disease * ". But wait, what's that " * " at the end mean? That directs you to the fine print at the bottom of the box (better get your microscope out) that further clarifies this claim.... "a diet that includes at least 3 grams of soluble fiber from whole grain foods, like this cereal, and is low in saturated fat and includes moderate exercise 2 - 3 times a week can lower the risks associated with heart disease". So is it the cereal that lowers my risk or are they just tagging along with the healthy lifestyle?
Now I do believe there are worthwhile programs that have helped more than the occasional person successfully manage their stress and anger. But show me something worthwhile and successful and I'll show 50 knock-off wannabees that will "absolutely guarantee you the world or your money back, for just 3 easy payments of $29.99 (plus shipping and handling). And if it doesn't work just return it and keep the free bonus squishy ball as a thank you just for trying it out!" Just a touch of cynicism here.
But what if your anger isn't born out of the usual stressors? What if it isn't caused by looming deadlines, financial worries or the arrogant bastard you call "boss"? What if you're 90% of the way to "BOOM" before the "usual" stressors even start? Could you see how that might make it appear to most as a "hair trigger" temper? Welcome to the wonderful world of ADHD.
One aspect that has been particularly difficult for me in managing my life with ADHD is sensory sensitivity. For example, bright lights, bright colors, anything visually bright can be more than a bit irritating for me. I'm not just talking about the obvious, like walking down the Vegas Strip at night. Even something ordinarily as serene as watching the multitude of birds that visit my feeders every morning can give me a headache. Try to imagine.....Cardinals, Gold Finches, Blue Jays, Red Winged Blackbirds, Red Bellied Woodpeckers, House Finches (purple), Purple Martins...........all the colors of the rainbow flitting and flapping, chirping and squawking, smacking my eyes all at once..........before my first cup of coffee!
But sounds are the worst. I can't remember the last time I was able to truly enjoy, I mean be totally wrapped up in, a nice lunch or dinner out with my wife. Or anyone for that matter. I find it nearly impossible to focus on the conversation with the person across the table from me. A restaurant is the ultimate distraction pool for ADHD. There's 25 different conversations happening simultaneously, between 50 different people, all within earshot. It rivals even Christmas Eve Dinner at my in-laws where, in its heyday, around 50 people sat at one long table carrying on 20 different conversations in 2 different languages........with those at the opposite end of the table. In the early years for me, and I say this with the utmost affection and respect, the meal's second course was usually Excedrine. But why is this a problem? Because I am compelled to listen in on at least 6 of the surrounding conversations at any given moment. And it's not just background noise, it's like I'm participating in each conversation (all 6 of them), simultaneously, with full comprehension. Which makes it very difficult to concentrate on the one I truly want to be participating in. Sensory overload.
So it's not too much of a stretch to comprehend how much energy it can take to manage the sensory overload that is a large part of the ADHD experience. Which doesn't leave much left over to manage the "usual" stressors that "normal" life throws at you. And when left over energy runs out ............."BOOM".
So what to do about this? How do I keep from unleashing this ADHD-osaurus Rex on it's next random victim? There is no silver bullet, no one size fits all solution to this dilemma, and it can't be cured overnight either. Rather it is through a combination of patience, persistence and good old fashioned faith that I believe one can prevail. But wait a minute.....these three things are characteristically absent from the ADHD personality. Which is why there is one more key ingredient needed in the formula that will allow one to successfully manage a life with ADHD ..............help.
It is a rare individual indeed who can surmount this challenge solo. To my knowledge, no person has ever summited Mt. Everest alone. And so it is with ADHD. In my last post I spoke about "awareness" being the key to unlocking a life with ADHD. Part of that is understanding and acknowledging that you can't do it alone. Where you find help is as unique to you as the way your brain is wired, and accepting it will be beyond difficult for most. Whether you find it in books written by experts (Drs. John Ratey, Ed Halliwell and Daniel Amen to name a few), professional coaching, support groups, friends and family, or organizations like CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) you can only benefit from asking for, and accepting, help. But though you will find more outside help than you could ever have hoped for once you have acknowledged your need, don't forget to look inside as well. Call it a Yin/Yang thing if you will, but you need both. One without the other is only part of the solution.
At some point I believe every individual living with ADHD will enter a state of acceptance and resignation. You will either accept that your life will never be what you hoped for and resign yourself to the lifetime of struggles and frustrations you will have to endure.......or accept that life works differently for you and resign yourself, no matter your age and resources, to re-learning how to live it with contentment. If you choose the latter, life may not be all you had hoped and dreamed........it could be much, much more.
j.d.
attention, addiction, alcohol, apathy, the list is long........longer than my limited attention span will allow for. But for me the "A" word that stands apart from the rest is "awareness".
Awareness........a word often synonymous with enlightenment, an important aspect of zen philosophy. But for many who live with ADHD awareness is the turning point in their lives, the fulcrum on which their life pivots from chaotic frustration to, dare I say, hopeful? Awareness is finding the light switch in a dark room. Not that you can just turn it on and see the path laid before you. No, finding the switch is gaining the knowledge that light can exist in the dark room of ADHD. It is realizing that if certain conditions are met....
........there is electricity flowing to the switch
........there is a working light fixture in the room
........the wires to the switch and fixture are intact
........there is a working light bulb in the fixture
then filling the room with light is possible. I now know what I have to do. I have a focus, a plan to follow. Light is possible. There is hope.........
Hope...........the most powerful word in the English language, in any language. It is the foundation of the human condition. Without it we could not grow, advance, succeed, evolve. Without hope we would still be living in caves wearing animal skins and waiting for the next lightning strike to gain fire. But hope is often an elusive concept for those living with ADHD. For me hope was always a fleeting concept that evaporated with the next distraction, forgotten an instant after it began. It was never real. I couldn't feel it, touch it, taste it........it was just a word. On a good day hope, like most thoughts that continually race through my head, would only occasionally be recognized. Most thoughts slip through in a blur, not in succession but in combination. Apparently my brain can multi-task.......sadly, I can not.
I can not remember the exact moment I became "aware" (pardon the "Matrix" reference). It was not the moment when a professional broke the news. Not like when a doctor tells you "you have cancer" or the like. There was no kick in the gut, no "aha" moment, no phases or stages. Don't misunderstand, I was told by a professional, several in fact, that "you have ADHD". But it did not "flip the switch" on. It didn't suddenly all make sense. My life didn't change overnight with knowing.
Awareness crept.......creeps over me gradually, almost imperceptibly slow. Most of the changes in my life are only recognizable when I look back in review over longer periods of time. Much like enlightenment for the devotee of Zen Buddhism, I suspect that awareness will be a life-long journey. I don't know if I will ever be fully aware, only more aware today than yesterday. But that's not a single catastrophic failure. No. It is in fact a life-long series of small successes. I am becoming aware each and every day of what it is to live with ADHD.
And awareness gives me hope. Real, tangible, lasting hope.
j.d.
Well to start with this is my very first attempt at blogging (is that the right term?). I am 47 years old and no stranger to technology or the internet. In fact I jumped on the "techno-wagon" during its infancy, my first computer being a Commodore 64. But over the years technology sped up as I slowed down and somewhere along the way I got run over. It is more typical these days for me to "jump on" as something is reaching critical mass (the wagon moves slower), though I suspect before too long I will "jump" a bit too late and miss the wagon entirely, landing face down on the pavement.
But what does this have to do with "A.D.D." or "ZEN"??? Maybe nothing. But I have been struggling with ADHD (the correct term) all my life, though I only became aware of it a few years ago. Many things that have frustrated me over the years now make a bit more sense. They still frustrate me but I am a bit more "zen" in how I deal with the frustration. I have read all the books, worked with coaches and psychologists, taken all the pills and tried countless "tricks" and "techniques" to help me cope. A few have actually been helpful, though for most the only success was in being able to eliminate them as options, narrowing the focus.
My latest frustration (don't worry, this isn't going to be a "top ten list") is that I can't seem to find any new methods or techniques to work with that aren't just a modification or new twist on one I've already tried. That, coupled with an increasingly strong sense that I should be looking inward for answers (there's that "ZEN" thing again), has spurred me to contemplate.
Not yet sure of what I am contemplating, nor where to even begin the "inward search" I did what most people do when faced with such a dilemma...........
Nothing.
To be more specific, I decided to try meditation (zen again). Now I've tried meditation before. I've tried guided meditation, chakra meditation, shamanic journeys, chanting, vibrational meditation and a few others that I can't immediately recall. And I've experienced benefits in various forms from all of them. But the one thing they all seemed to have in common was a goal. I entered into all of them with some form of goal or expectation. this time was different......is different. I am meditating with the intent to empty my mind of all thought and noise (no small task for one with ADHD). Nothing else. I'm not looking for anything or hoping to see or hear anything. Or feel anything other than "empty". I guess this is where the zen thing comes in........
and where this blog begins. For today, while driving home from the office and trying not to sputter about the "idiots in a hurry" that seem to rule the roads, a random thought popped into my head..........
"From A.D.D. to ZEN"
It didn't evolve from a conflux of other random thoughts as often occurs. It just popped out in front of me clear and alone. Nothing swirling around it, didn't have to squint to focus on it, it was just there. Then the subtitle showed up..........
"A Journey from the Head to the Heart"
This is particularly poignant for me. As one who has spent much of my life viewing everything through a "logical" thought-based filter I have spent the last couple years exploring "alternative" perspectives and trying to open a fairly closed mind.
The next thought.....26 letters in the alphabet......divides neatly into 52 weeks in a year......one letter every 2 weeks. So I'm going to try to write about aspects of my journey, some past some current, devoting 2 weeks to each letter of the alphabet. As I write this it sounds a bit crazy, or grasping, but I've done worse and survived. So I'm going to take a leap here and see where it leads. And I welcome any help, thoughts or encouragement you may offer along the way.........................
jd
