"C" is for ..............

Communication

Unless you are a recluse that has devoted yourself to a life of solitude you will frequently be required to communicate with others.  If this applies to you then please read on.  If, however, you are a recluse ….. well, you probably don’t have a computer much less an internet connection so it would be kind of pointless to tell you anything here.  But it would not surprise me in the least if you told me that an overly large percentage of hermits have ADHD.  I guess the solitude could be tolerable with all the voices in our head to keep us company.  

There are as many ways to communicate as there are people to communicate with in this world.  But all forms of communication have one common requirement, someone to be on the receiving end of the communication.  The most common form is verbal of course, which requires the receiving party to have functional hearing.  There’s visual, which requires sight.  Then, of course, there’s the written word ….. and pictures and movies and video and computers and internet and holographic imaging …….. the list is quite long and growing faster than I can type.  Another common requirement of communication to successfully occur is for both parties to share a familiar language.  Primitive Man grunted and gestured with various body parts.  Later he evolved and drew pictographs on cave walls.  Today we not only have many different languages spanning the globe but, depending on the geography, there might be several different dialects as well.  And some may bear little resemblance to the common language!  Add into the mix the various colloquialisms that are geographically unique and you begin to get a sense of what I would call the "Babble Effect".  

So given the many sensory and linguistic hurdles that exist you might agree that communicating with another individual could present a rather daunting challenge.  But we are ADHD, every day is a challenge.  We love challenge.  But wait ………. be careful what you wish for.  There is one additional aspect to communicating that, by itself, can present an insurmountable challenge to even the stoutest of heart ……………

Perception!

The definition of perception is “Becoming aware of something via the senses”.  So the way we perceive something is determined, even restricted, by how our senses function.  But even if we all had five fully functioning senses it’s not that simple.  There is another facet to our perception that is ever changing and evolving ………. experience.  With each experience we have in life our perception of the world around us is altered.  Most of the time these changes are so minute as to go unnoticed.  Sometimes they are huge and life altering.  So from the day we are born until the day we die our perception is continuously twisting, turning, changing with each experience we have.  We are creating a perception “filter” through which all future experiences must pass.  And therein lays the crux of the communication conundrum.  We don’t all have the same experiences.  Each of us is unique in countless ways, including our experiences.  Even if, at some point in our lives, we have an identical experience it will be different because our “filter” at that particular moment is different.

Thoughout our lives we are creating boundaries, walls if you will, that contain us.  But they also restrain us as well because we cannot readily see beyond them.  You can both have functional hearing, sight and speech.  You can speak and write the same language right down to the dialect and colloquialisms.  You can even have a common understanding of visual methods and gestures (use your imagination).  But if you have a different perception of the situation or circumstances ……... if you think differently ……… there is little hope that successful communication can occur.

Unless one of you is willing to move outside your box, to peek over the wall or around your filter and try to experience a different perspective.  This is not nearly as easy as it sounds, even if you are not ADHD.  It goes against our ego, our basic belief that how we perceive the world is how it exists ……. for everyone.  On the most basic level we all believe (though few will openly admit it) that our perspective is the best.  If there is one thing I have learned in my struggles with ADHD it is that my way is the best way …….. for me!  It may not be the best, easiest, fastest, most efficient way for other people because they are different.  Their knowledge and experience and skill set is different than mine and, whether my ego will accept it or not, my way may not be the best for them.  The worst boss/manager I ever worked with micro-managed down to the last detail.  His way of doing things was the best way, you couldn’t possibly find a better way.  He was right in one sense.   Considering the time and energy it took to argue with him it was always easier to just give in and do it his way.   

As you can imagine I didn’t last very long in that job.  But I did learn a valuable lesson that I have carried with me to this day.  If I ask someone to do something for me I try not to tell them how to do it.  I try to give them the end result I desire and leave it to them to accomplish the task in their own way.  So even negative experiences can alter our perspective in a positive way.  It just requires that we be willing to entertain the possibility that a perspective different from our own can exist.  We must be willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, even to be wrong.  We must find a way to peek over the walls of our “box” and be open to a new experience.  Meditation has been very helpful to me in this endeavor but it may not work for you.  But perhaps you already know that.  Perhaps you know a way that I have not experienced yet that could work better.  Perhaps you could share your experience, good or bad, so we can learn and grow together.  I’m standing on tip-toe peeking over my wall ……………………

j.d.