Loyalty!
The premise of this blog began, and remains, to write about my own experiences, the affects of ADHD on my life and to provide a safe place for people to come to learn, help and heal. But today I would like to turn the mirror around and write about all of you.
The second most difficult part about writing this blog was, and always has been, the actual "doing". For those of you who understand ADHD this is no surprise. I think about it frequently, often several times a day, but usually not when I'm sitting in my office with access to my computer. And by the time I get to the office and computer my mind is already many miles down that 8 lane freeway in my head. The "exit" I should be getting off has already disappeared in my rear-view mirror and U-turns are not possible on this road. But there are a few of you who post comments and send e-mails from time to time inquiring about "where have you gone" or offering support during difficult times. Often it's your e-mails and posts that help bring me back here to continue my "mission" and I thank you for that.
The most difficult thing about writing this blog is being honest ...... not only with all of you, but with myself as well. Though much of what I write here simply "flows" out of my mind as I type, I frequently become aware that I am judging myself and my actions, and harshly too. My posts here are often inspired by a singular experience or a poignant moment that happens to catch my attention long enough for me to recognize its significance. It's like the director's technique used in the fight scenes in "The Matrix" movies (bet you thought you'd heard the last of those comparisons, eh?) where the action is super fast and just before impact it zooms into super slow-motion, then launches into super fast on impact. I know it sounds corny but that's pretty much how it happens in my head.
But I digress. As I was saying, I start judging myself. Then I start questioning whether I should be "exposing" these flaws to the world and, without realizing it, I begin editing and rewriting in an attempt to "soften" the impact and rationalize my behavior. In the political arena I think they call it "spinning". And the problem with "spinning" is it never really addresses the problem let alone resolve it. What do I do when I become aware this is happening? First thing I do is stop. I stop typing. I stop thinking. I stop judging. One time, I even stopped breathing!
But only for a few seconds, so no permanent harm done. Then I will usually go back and read some of the comments and e-mails you have sent and remember why I am doing this. I will read some of my previous posts and remember the importance of honesty and integrity both here and in my life. I don't claim to be the epitome of honesty and integrity, there are many I would place above me on that standard. There have been many times in my life where I have chosen to be less honest or acted with less integrity than I could have. I am human, complete with many faults and flaws (with no shortage of those quite willing to point them out). I only claim that I strive to live each day with honesty and compassion, that I may look back at the end of my life and hopefully see that the scales of integrity have tipped slightly to my favor.
The second most difficult part about writing this blog was, and always has been, the actual "doing". For those of you who understand ADHD this is no surprise. I think about it frequently, often several times a day, but usually not when I'm sitting in my office with access to my computer. And by the time I get to the office and computer my mind is already many miles down that 8 lane freeway in my head. The "exit" I should be getting off has already disappeared in my rear-view mirror and U-turns are not possible on this road. But there are a few of you who post comments and send e-mails from time to time inquiring about "where have you gone" or offering support during difficult times. Often it's your e-mails and posts that help bring me back here to continue my "mission" and I thank you for that.
The most difficult thing about writing this blog is being honest ...... not only with all of you, but with myself as well. Though much of what I write here simply "flows" out of my mind as I type, I frequently become aware that I am judging myself and my actions, and harshly too. My posts here are often inspired by a singular experience or a poignant moment that happens to catch my attention long enough for me to recognize its significance. It's like the director's technique used in the fight scenes in "The Matrix" movies (bet you thought you'd heard the last of those comparisons, eh?) where the action is super fast and just before impact it zooms into super slow-motion, then launches into super fast on impact. I know it sounds corny but that's pretty much how it happens in my head.
But I digress. As I was saying, I start judging myself. Then I start questioning whether I should be "exposing" these flaws to the world and, without realizing it, I begin editing and rewriting in an attempt to "soften" the impact and rationalize my behavior. In the political arena I think they call it "spinning". And the problem with "spinning" is it never really addresses the problem let alone resolve it. What do I do when I become aware this is happening? First thing I do is stop. I stop typing. I stop thinking. I stop judging. One time, I even stopped breathing!
But only for a few seconds, so no permanent harm done. Then I will usually go back and read some of the comments and e-mails you have sent and remember why I am doing this. I will read some of my previous posts and remember the importance of honesty and integrity both here and in my life. I don't claim to be the epitome of honesty and integrity, there are many I would place above me on that standard. There have been many times in my life where I have chosen to be less honest or acted with less integrity than I could have. I am human, complete with many faults and flaws (with no shortage of those quite willing to point them out). I only claim that I strive to live each day with honesty and compassion, that I may look back at the end of my life and hopefully see that the scales of integrity have tipped slightly to my favor.
It's very hard to be honest with others. Especially so when it's about your own faults and flaws. And even harder when it's persons who may know you or work with you. You feel exposed, vulnerable. You are vulnerable. But learning can not happen without accepting your vulnerability. And growth can not happen without learning. The old adage "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is certainly apropos. But if the horse is extremely nearsighted ........... you may just need to lead him to where he can see the water and he'll find his way from there.
So to those who have touched my life in some way great or small I would like to thank you for taking up the reigns when I can't see the water. You give me courage to get back up when knocked down, and strength to move forward when pushed back. Words can not express the gratitude I feel and that you greatly deserve. To have one person remain loyal in the face of adversity is a gift. More than one is a blessing. I may not be able to rise to my ambitious goal of a post per week, but in the words of the infamous title character of the "Terminator" franchise ..........
So to those who have touched my life in some way great or small I would like to thank you for taking up the reigns when I can't see the water. You give me courage to get back up when knocked down, and strength to move forward when pushed back. Words can not express the gratitude I feel and that you greatly deserve. To have one person remain loyal in the face of adversity is a gift. More than one is a blessing. I may not be able to rise to my ambitious goal of a post per week, but in the words of the infamous title character of the "Terminator" franchise ..........
"I'll Be Back............"
j.d.
2 comments:
Thank you for taking the risk and writing again. You have been brave to share your thoughts and experiences with others. Keep writing because your blog is funny and insightful. It helps to know I'm not alone. I thought you might enjoy this quote.
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
Ernest Hemingway
Thank you for your kind words. And I love the quote! I'll have to remember it the next time I'm writing, which hopefully will be soon as crazy as things are at the moment. Right now I'm reminded of a lyric in a Kid Rock song "if you'd just stop the world 'cause I wanna get off" .......... I'd settle for slowing it down enough to jump off for a bit :-}
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