"C" is for ...........

Choices.

Coffee, Tea …… or A.D.D. ???  When traveling one typically has choices.  You can drive your car, ride a train or bus, board a boat or fly in a plane.  Most modes of transportation also offer you choices.  There’s First Class, Business Class, Coach and (in some countries) Baggage or Roof.  Depending on which class you choose (or can afford) you have choices for your in-transit meal.  And most over the age of 50 can recall the oft-used flight attendant’s sexy pick-up line “Coffee, Tea …… or Me?”   Of course this only happens in low budget movies but WOW, what a choice!  Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a choice of whether or not we wanted to live with ADHD?  I sometimes fantasize about a life without ADHD and its inherent challenges.  In my fantasies I’m happy, successful, prosperous and popular.  I have a perfect, loving family ……… actually that part is closer to reality, the “loving” part anyway.  I have time to pursue my passions ……… I have passions!  I’m never anxious or worried about anything I did or didn’t do.  I don’t have any problems and not a care in the world.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the air is sweet …… life is grand.  Then reality (looking remarkably like the late comedian Sam Kinison) slaps me across the face and screams “SNAP OUT OF IT!”  Talk about harsh …….

Ahhh, the harsh reality of ADHD.  We are born with this condition and it will be a constant companion throughout our entire life.  There is currently no cure for ADHD and you won’t grow out of it.  And one of life’s cruel jokes is that most people will never even know they have it.  I know that everyone has a particular cross to bear, and this is ours.  So, what do we do about it?  Well first you need a small stroke of luck, that someone who cares about you suspects that you may have ADHD or something else that will send you to a person able to identify your condition.  Trust me, you really don’t want to be “misdiagnosed” on this one.  There are several neurological conditions that can present similar to ADHD and there are others that often co-exist or mask ADHD.  So the first “choice” you must make is to seek the advice of a medical professional.  There is no stigma in this and you can only benefit.

Since the subject of this post is “choices” I think a good place to start a candid discussion is with a question.  And the obvious one, “What are my choices?”, that ain’t it.  The biggest question we must answer, and oddly enough the most difficult, is “How do we choose?”  I remember how difficult it has always been for me to take tests.  It didn’t matter what the subject of the test was, or how important it was that I pass it.  It didn’t matter if it was an academic test, an employment test or a driving test.  And it really didn’t matter how well I knew the material I was being tested on.  The most difficult part of the test for me was just getting through the question!  If the question was more than a half dozen words I would often need to re-read it several times if I hoped to be able to answer it correctly (maybe this is why I always lost college drinking games?).  And even then it often was a crap shoot.  Still, I did better on multiple choice than essays (unless the topic was “stream of consciousness” writing).

Over the past few years I’ve learned I’m often much better at solving a particular challenge, or answering a specific question, than I am at preparing a presentation.  All the knowledge is in my brain, I just have difficulty accessing it much of the time.  It’s kind of like the game show “Jeopardy”.  Ask me to tell you everything I know about 20^th Century American Literature and my likely response will be a blank stare as my mind spins out of control.  But ask me a specific question about the subject and the answer is often automatic, from the gut.  (By the way, my wife keeps telling me I should get on “Jeopardy”).  So it’s important to have an understanding about how you process information, how you learn and later access that knowledge, before you can address the next question “What are my options?”  To do this you’ll have to look back over your history with an honest and, most importantly, non-judgmental eye.  Judgment and self-chastisement has no place here and will only inhibit any progress.  As for myself, I have found this process more “feeling” than logic.  While I tend to process knowledge logically, like most of us are taught in school, I have found that many of my successful “choices” these past few years have been made from the gut.  They feel right, though I can’t always explain why.  And most of the time they’re right on the money. 

If you can successfully navigate your way through the first two choices there is a dizzying array of alternatives and options beyond.  This may seem daunting at first, and may discourage many from even trying, but take heart.  Each successive “choice” you make will cut the number of future options, narrowing the focus just a bit more.  And with each choice made, successfully or not, it gets just a bit easier to make the next one.  Is it possible that at some point the “choice” well can run dry?  I think the Buddhists call that Nirvana …………we call it peace and quiet.

j.d.

"D" is for ..................

Depression.

Over the past several weeks some of you have posted comments asking “where did you go?”  Fair question considering this is my first post since the New Year (Jan. 4^th to be precise).  Almost 2 months to the day but I hope you will cut me a little slack, February is a short month.  So if you have been following from the beginning you are witness to me falling down yet again.  I promised a post every couple weeks on a different topic of interest and, for several months, I held up my end.  But as will happen to those of us living with ADHD, there is always something in our path waiting to trip us up.  Some of these “obstacles” I have talked about in prior posts.  Fortunately for this blog the obstacle this time was one we haven’t really talked about yet, so you don’t have to endure me rehashing old material.

There are many ways to define “depression".  According to the popular website “WebMD” (http://www.webmd.com) the most common types are Major Depression (often called Clinical Depression) and Chronic Depression (also known as Dysthymia).  Then there is Seasonal Depression and Manic Depression.  And there are many distinct classifications and sub-types within each that exhibit different symptoms (or combinations of symptoms) and respond to different treatments.  By the way, the last two are more correctly referred to respectively as Seasonal Affective Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.  If pressed I don’t think I could adequately explain the difference between a “depression” and a “disorder”, so on that I will defer to more qualified professionals.  But we are all familiar with the term “depression” in some form or other.  It has become so mainstream that you can’t watch your favorite sit-com these days without being assaulted by ads for various pharmaceuticals aimed at combating some form of depression.  They cover the spectrum from A to Z ………… from Adapin to Zoloft (you thought I was kidding didn’t you?).  

“Feeling depressed?  Ask your doctor about [insert drug name].  You’ll be glad you did.”  

Do the marketing gurus really believe that modern medicine has evolved to the point where the patient is self-diagnosing and the doctor is just an order-taker?  What’s next, a drive through window at “Glaxo In The Box”?  Or perhaps “Baxter King”?  No wait, I’ve got one better ………… wait for it ………….”Merk-Donalds”!   I’ll leave the obvious slogans to your imagination.  I hope you can forgive my cynicism but I’m sure there are more than a few of you that share my feelings.

But I digress.  Let’s go back to depression.  In my oversimplified book there are two forms of depression.  One is physiological, caused by a chemical imbalance in the body/brain.  The other is psychological, an emotional response to our perception of our own existence.  The former can often be tested for, diagnosed and treated by a qualified medical professional.  It also has a tendency to be co-morbid with ADHD which can make it more difficult to treat.  The latter is much harder, in my personal experience, to identify and treat.  And the treatment process can be so frustrating at times that it adds to the depression rather than lessen it!  This is a type of depression that most adults living with ADHD will endure at different times in their lives.  

I find it ironic that we chose the term “depression” to describe this condition.  I envision it like I am a ball rolling along a flat, level path.  Rolling slowly along at a constant sustainable speed in the direction of my choosing.  Then I encounter a place where the surface of the path has dropped, creating a depression.  (I wonder, if you're bipolar would it be a sinkhole?)  Sorry, I was momentarily distracted.  Anyway, I roll down into this “depression” in the path but as I roll up the other side I don’t have enough momentum to get over the lip and back onto the path.  I roll back down but no matter which direction I roll I just don’t have enough momentum to get back up and out.  Each time I try I lose a little more momentum until, eventually, I come to a stop at the bottom of the “depression”.  Somewhere along the path I allowed myself to be distracted enough to get off track.  And the further I got off track the more difficult it became to get back on track.  To pull from prior posts, I let a ball drop and inertia took over.  

Depression (not sure which form yet) is what I have been dealing with these past couple months, as I have dealt with it many times over my adult life.  Over the past few years I have done well in my struggle with ADHD.  I tried several different prescriptions, all of which met with varying degrees of success.  But with all of them I experienced side effects I was not willing to endure longer term.  I have a coach that I meet with every two weeks.  I have a small support network of laypeople and professionals.  I have various skills and routines that I have developed to help me manage life with ADHD.  And I have all my books, websites and research.  And though I have experienced several failures, they are punctuated by the many small successes I have recognized and acknowledged along the way.  Eventually, and not without help, I hope to exert enough force to get up and out of this depression and back on the path.  Time will tell.  I’m learning to be patient.   

There’s that “Zen” thing again ………….

j.d.