"A" is for ..........

ANGER!!!  =  focus???

I know, I know….. I’m jumping back to “A” when by all rights I should be trudging methodically toward the letter “Z”.  If the fact that I keep jumping around upsets you … well then, you’re probably in the wrong blog because you don’t have ADHD.  And if you’re here because you’re hoping to gain some insight into the world of ADHD for a loved one then your first order of business should be to embrace this invaluable experience …… it’s a rare glimpse inside the head of one who lives with ADHD.  In this blog I have tried to take what is inside my head (no small task) and put it out there in the open for anyone who cares to see it.  And I’ve done my best to do so in a way that can be understood by all, whether you are the afflicted or the affected.  I hope I am meeting with some measure of success in this endeavor (I welcome all feedback).  Today I have decided to backtrack for a very important reason.  Well, it’s important to me anyway and I hope it may get some of you to thinking.  

Up until this point in my experience I have interpreted anger as a negative emotion that serves little purpose in life other than to function as a relief valve.  Just like a steam boiler, if the pressure builds too high the ensuing explosion will wreak havoc and destruction (I have been accused of having an explosive temper in past).  The relief valve keeps the pressure in the “productive” range by letting off some steam when the pressure gets close to the danger zone.  And this is where my perspective has shifted … a movement that began imperceptibly slow last Spring with a near cataclysmic shift occurring this past week.  But first a little context ………

Last Spring we had what I thought was an unusual amount of rain.  I was frequently frustrated with my landscaping chores as every time I actually had time to mow the lawn or weed the flower beds it would rain.  You can understand the lawn but some of you may be thinking “after a rain is the best time to weed” while the ground is soft.  Yes you’re right (a phrase I find myself uttering frequently these days).  But I am not fond of working in a torrential downpour and I was off on another effort when it stopped (I have ADHD?).  Anyway, I had been bickering with my wife for some time on various topics, mostly because I was frustrated with the knowledge that I was going to have a jungle to rake after I finally got to mow the lawn (I have a 2 acre lawn), when she complained that the front flower beds were looking like a jungle and I should weed them ………

I snapped.  I’d been chewing on my anger for too long and I’d had enough.  I launched a full salvo of words, generously interspersed with the strongest expletives I knew for emphasis.  I honestly don’t know what I said but judging by the surprised and confused look on her face it probably didn’t make much sense anyway.  My relief valve had stuck shut and I exploded.  But I did have the presence of mind to get out before I’d done any permanent damage (I think) and in that instant my mind became laser-focused on one thing …… WEEDS!!!  I stormed outside and grabbed the first weeds I saw, yanked them up by the roots and flung them behind me.  I was on my knees hunched over, head down, yanking at weeds with both hands.  I was snorting and snarling, growling, huffing and puffing with the effort.  I quickly fell into a rhythm … alternating left hand, right hand, left hand, right hand …reach, grip, rip, toss … reach, grip, rip, toss … shift to the left … reach, grip, rip, toss … reach, grip, rip, toss … shift to the left ……

I have no idea how long this continued.  I was hyper-focused on the task at hand until a curious thing happened, which I realized upon reflection later that day.  My mind shifted focus.  Once I had fallen into a rhythm it became automatic, like I was on autopilot.  My thoughts went elsewhere, first focusing on how to fix my wife’s “problem” with shared responsibilities around the house, then systematically moved through other areas I had been experiencing problems with either focus or follow through.  In fact I think I resolved quite a few issues that day.  And when I had reached the point of exhaustion I paused to catch my breath … slowly stood up (my back and knees had just about frozen up by then) and looked behind me.

It looked like the equivalent of nature’s wrecking ball had passed through.  There were piles of weeds strewn all over the lawn, some as much as 15 or 20 feet away from where they had been pulled.  Then I noticed that I too was covered … dirt spread across my shoulders and arms, stalks and leaves covering my hair and clothes … my knees and hands were a curious color, a muddy greenish-yellow that looked like it had been tattooed on my skin.  But the most surprising thing was that I was currently standing almost where I had started ……having weeded all the flower beds around the entire circumference of my house, about the length of 2 football fields.  With a satisfied snort a thought flashed through my head, “Guess I showed her!”  But somewhere in there was the spark of realization that when I get really angry … I get things done.  I’m sure my therapist/coach has something to that affect written in his notes of our conversations at that time, and no doubt he will smile when he reads this.  No matter that the primary cause of the anger was the unbearable frustration of things getting out of control and paralyzed by the overwhelming weight of circumstances (trust me, it made more sense in my head).  Anger, in a twisted sort of way, seems to be an ally in my struggle with ADHD.  But the glimmer of realization faded quickly as I moved on to other distractions.  

Apparently though it lingered somewhere in the back of my head, waiting patiently for another opportunity shine.  And that opportunity came this past weekend in the form of overwhelming stress … the kind of stress that comes from suppressing the agitation you feel toward someone while they are grieving and you don’t want to be an insensitive ass.  There’s no arguing that I can be a real ass, perhaps more than the average man.  But I am trying to become a better person and the passing of a loved one it seems can present a prime opportunity for learning and self-improvement.  In my case it can also present an opportunity to get things done.  Case in point, my home office has been nearly uninhabitable for most of the winter.  You know what I mean, mountain of papers on the desk, spilling over onto the adjacent chairs and cascading onto the floor where it snakes its way around the perimeter described by my chair.  Getting to my desk, looking strangely like I’m tip-toeing through a mine field, often takes just long enough for me to forget why I was going there in the first place.  So I often end up surfing the internet and checking email for a while before getting bored and looking for another form of distraction.  Heaven forbid I should actually work at clearing the mess away!  But, this past weekend between the wake and the funeral, I got angry enough that I actually went into the office and did not emerge until I had cleared away, organized and filed everything.  Call me Mohammed ‘cause I just moved a mountain!  I had almost forgotten that the top of my desk was actually brown.  The sense of release I felt was immediate and almost profound.  I found myself starting to think of all the other things that needed doing … catching up on my bookkeeping … cleaning out my car … organizing my garage so I can actually start to finish the woodworking projects I started last Autumn … writing for this blog … writing down a list of all the things that need doing ………

And that’s when it occurred to me, when I experienced a major shift in perspective.  Anger, for me anyway, seems to contain the catalyst required to break the inertial grip that ADHD gets on my life.  But is it the anger itself or is there some component of the emotional response that is the catalyst?  I began to wonder if it could it be possible to break down “anger” into its individual components and analyse each one to determine its contribution, if any, to catalyzing action?  If I could distill the part of the anger responsible for allowing me to focus and take action couldn’t I then find a way to use that to my benefit, to train myself to call upon it at will?  Then I could deal with the “mountains” while they were still mole hills (making Mohammed’s job a whole lot easier).  I would no longer lose so much precious time and energy treading water and creating animosity.  I could then have all the time I would have otherwise spent to instead nurture and grow the relationships with those I cherish.  My head began to reel with the weight of all the possibilities.  I am eager to explore and learn from this experience and look forward to sharing it with you.  

It is said that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear.  Today the teacher appears to be Life itself.  How very Zen …………

j.d.

"C" is for ...........

Choices.

Coffee, Tea …… or A.D.D. ???  When traveling one typically has choices.  You can drive your car, ride a train or bus, board a boat or fly in a plane.  Most modes of transportation also offer you choices.  There’s First Class, Business Class, Coach and (in some countries) Baggage or Roof.  Depending on which class you choose (or can afford) you have choices for your in-transit meal.  And most over the age of 50 can recall the oft-used flight attendant’s sexy pick-up line “Coffee, Tea …… or Me?”   Of course this only happens in low budget movies but WOW, what a choice!  Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a choice of whether or not we wanted to live with ADHD?  I sometimes fantasize about a life without ADHD and its inherent challenges.  In my fantasies I’m happy, successful, prosperous and popular.  I have a perfect, loving family ……… actually that part is closer to reality, the “loving” part anyway.  I have time to pursue my passions ……… I have passions!  I’m never anxious or worried about anything I did or didn’t do.  I don’t have any problems and not a care in the world.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the air is sweet …… life is grand.  Then reality (looking remarkably like the late comedian Sam Kinison) slaps me across the face and screams “SNAP OUT OF IT!”  Talk about harsh …….

Ahhh, the harsh reality of ADHD.  We are born with this condition and it will be a constant companion throughout our entire life.  There is currently no cure for ADHD and you won’t grow out of it.  And one of life’s cruel jokes is that most people will never even know they have it.  I know that everyone has a particular cross to bear, and this is ours.  So, what do we do about it?  Well first you need a small stroke of luck, that someone who cares about you suspects that you may have ADHD or something else that will send you to a person able to identify your condition.  Trust me, you really don’t want to be “misdiagnosed” on this one.  There are several neurological conditions that can present similar to ADHD and there are others that often co-exist or mask ADHD.  So the first “choice” you must make is to seek the advice of a medical professional.  There is no stigma in this and you can only benefit.

Since the subject of this post is “choices” I think a good place to start a candid discussion is with a question.  And the obvious one, “What are my choices?”, that ain’t it.  The biggest question we must answer, and oddly enough the most difficult, is “How do we choose?”  I remember how difficult it has always been for me to take tests.  It didn’t matter what the subject of the test was, or how important it was that I pass it.  It didn’t matter if it was an academic test, an employment test or a driving test.  And it really didn’t matter how well I knew the material I was being tested on.  The most difficult part of the test for me was just getting through the question!  If the question was more than a half dozen words I would often need to re-read it several times if I hoped to be able to answer it correctly (maybe this is why I always lost college drinking games?).  And even then it often was a crap shoot.  Still, I did better on multiple choice than essays (unless the topic was “stream of consciousness” writing).

Over the past few years I’ve learned I’m often much better at solving a particular challenge, or answering a specific question, than I am at preparing a presentation.  All the knowledge is in my brain, I just have difficulty accessing it much of the time.  It’s kind of like the game show “Jeopardy”.  Ask me to tell you everything I know about 20^th Century American Literature and my likely response will be a blank stare as my mind spins out of control.  But ask me a specific question about the subject and the answer is often automatic, from the gut.  (By the way, my wife keeps telling me I should get on “Jeopardy”).  So it’s important to have an understanding about how you process information, how you learn and later access that knowledge, before you can address the next question “What are my options?”  To do this you’ll have to look back over your history with an honest and, most importantly, non-judgmental eye.  Judgment and self-chastisement has no place here and will only inhibit any progress.  As for myself, I have found this process more “feeling” than logic.  While I tend to process knowledge logically, like most of us are taught in school, I have found that many of my successful “choices” these past few years have been made from the gut.  They feel right, though I can’t always explain why.  And most of the time they’re right on the money. 

If you can successfully navigate your way through the first two choices there is a dizzying array of alternatives and options beyond.  This may seem daunting at first, and may discourage many from even trying, but take heart.  Each successive “choice” you make will cut the number of future options, narrowing the focus just a bit more.  And with each choice made, successfully or not, it gets just a bit easier to make the next one.  Is it possible that at some point the “choice” well can run dry?  I think the Buddhists call that Nirvana …………we call it peace and quiet.

j.d.

"D" is for ..................

Depression.

Over the past several weeks some of you have posted comments asking “where did you go?”  Fair question considering this is my first post since the New Year (Jan. 4^th to be precise).  Almost 2 months to the day but I hope you will cut me a little slack, February is a short month.  So if you have been following from the beginning you are witness to me falling down yet again.  I promised a post every couple weeks on a different topic of interest and, for several months, I held up my end.  But as will happen to those of us living with ADHD, there is always something in our path waiting to trip us up.  Some of these “obstacles” I have talked about in prior posts.  Fortunately for this blog the obstacle this time was one we haven’t really talked about yet, so you don’t have to endure me rehashing old material.

There are many ways to define “depression".  According to the popular website “WebMD” (http://www.webmd.com) the most common types are Major Depression (often called Clinical Depression) and Chronic Depression (also known as Dysthymia).  Then there is Seasonal Depression and Manic Depression.  And there are many distinct classifications and sub-types within each that exhibit different symptoms (or combinations of symptoms) and respond to different treatments.  By the way, the last two are more correctly referred to respectively as Seasonal Affective Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.  If pressed I don’t think I could adequately explain the difference between a “depression” and a “disorder”, so on that I will defer to more qualified professionals.  But we are all familiar with the term “depression” in some form or other.  It has become so mainstream that you can’t watch your favorite sit-com these days without being assaulted by ads for various pharmaceuticals aimed at combating some form of depression.  They cover the spectrum from A to Z ………… from Adapin to Zoloft (you thought I was kidding didn’t you?).  

“Feeling depressed?  Ask your doctor about [insert drug name].  You’ll be glad you did.”  

Do the marketing gurus really believe that modern medicine has evolved to the point where the patient is self-diagnosing and the doctor is just an order-taker?  What’s next, a drive through window at “Glaxo In The Box”?  Or perhaps “Baxter King”?  No wait, I’ve got one better ………… wait for it ………….”Merk-Donalds”!   I’ll leave the obvious slogans to your imagination.  I hope you can forgive my cynicism but I’m sure there are more than a few of you that share my feelings.

But I digress.  Let’s go back to depression.  In my oversimplified book there are two forms of depression.  One is physiological, caused by a chemical imbalance in the body/brain.  The other is psychological, an emotional response to our perception of our own existence.  The former can often be tested for, diagnosed and treated by a qualified medical professional.  It also has a tendency to be co-morbid with ADHD which can make it more difficult to treat.  The latter is much harder, in my personal experience, to identify and treat.  And the treatment process can be so frustrating at times that it adds to the depression rather than lessen it!  This is a type of depression that most adults living with ADHD will endure at different times in their lives.  

I find it ironic that we chose the term “depression” to describe this condition.  I envision it like I am a ball rolling along a flat, level path.  Rolling slowly along at a constant sustainable speed in the direction of my choosing.  Then I encounter a place where the surface of the path has dropped, creating a depression.  (I wonder, if you're bipolar would it be a sinkhole?)  Sorry, I was momentarily distracted.  Anyway, I roll down into this “depression” in the path but as I roll up the other side I don’t have enough momentum to get over the lip and back onto the path.  I roll back down but no matter which direction I roll I just don’t have enough momentum to get back up and out.  Each time I try I lose a little more momentum until, eventually, I come to a stop at the bottom of the “depression”.  Somewhere along the path I allowed myself to be distracted enough to get off track.  And the further I got off track the more difficult it became to get back on track.  To pull from prior posts, I let a ball drop and inertia took over.  

Depression (not sure which form yet) is what I have been dealing with these past couple months, as I have dealt with it many times over my adult life.  Over the past few years I have done well in my struggle with ADHD.  I tried several different prescriptions, all of which met with varying degrees of success.  But with all of them I experienced side effects I was not willing to endure longer term.  I have a coach that I meet with every two weeks.  I have a small support network of laypeople and professionals.  I have various skills and routines that I have developed to help me manage life with ADHD.  And I have all my books, websites and research.  And though I have experienced several failures, they are punctuated by the many small successes I have recognized and acknowledged along the way.  Eventually, and not without help, I hope to exert enough force to get up and out of this depression and back on the path.  Time will tell.  I’m learning to be patient.   

There’s that “Zen” thing again ………….

j.d.

"D" is for ..........

Distraction !!!!

Whew, that was a close call!  But I’m back, if only for a short while.  It has been a couple weeks since my last post here and I almost let this slip away like so many things in my life.  Like many adults who struggle with ADHD I have many wonderful ideas screaming through my head almost continuously but most are lost in the clamor and chaos that defines my mind.  On the rare occasion when I am able to pluck one from the throng, I move into a state of hyper-focus and with laser-like precision, begin developing it toward its potential.

Until another idea comes along, distracting me from the task at hand.  Thus have many potentially wonderful visions faded into oblivion, unfulfilled.  And this one very nearly met the same fate.  But it has been granted a last minute stay and so is one step closer to realizing its full potential.  For the moment anyway.  It’s an uphill battle and for certain there will be many more distractions to deal with before it’s done.  And knowing that is half the battle.  The other half is taking things one small step at a time and counting each day you stay on task as a small success.  You will slip, it’s inevitable.  But it’s only failure if you don’t come back to it.  So this will be a rather short entry because I don’t have a lot of time today, its primary purpose simply to get me back on track (success).

I do have a good reason for getting off track though (don’t I always?) ……… it was the Holiday Season.  For me that is defined as the six weeks that begin before Thanksgiving and end shortly after New Years Day (when the kids go back to school).  For many years this was the worst, most busy time of year for me.  I worked for other people who had goals and agendas to be met, something I never seemed quite able to fully grasp.  So basically I got to see my family on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day because I was working 80+ hours a week trying to meet other peoples’ goals while they (the bosses) enjoyed time with their families secure in the knowledge that I and others like me were toiling away on their behalf.  

Then, about 15 years ago, I had an epiphany.  Actually, I just got really angry when my boss pushed a bit too far one day.  I decided I was not going to watch from the sidelines as my family grew old without me, and quietly quit my job to start my own consulting business.  I had just built a house that came with the customary oversize mortgage.  My wife had quit her job to be a stay at home Mom for our 6 month old son.  We had no savings to fall back on.  I had no client list to work with and no real plan for how this “business” would become reality.  And I had just quit my job, the only source of income we had.  What was I thinking!!! I’ll never forget those three days.  They were the longest three days of my life yet they seemed to flash by in mere seconds.  I decided on Friday afternoon that I’d had enough.  I went into the office on Sunday morning (when I was sure nobody would be there), cleaned out my office and typed up my letter of resignation.  It was short and to the point, careful not to point fingers or lay blame, stating simply that I needed a change and offered as much time as they required to close out any current business I was working on.  I left one copy on my boss’s desk and another in the mailbox of the company CEO to cover my ass.

When I came in Monday morning it was official and everyone knew it.  I said my goodbyes and left before morning coffee break.  Now for the hard part ……… how to tell my wife.  You see I was not much good at communicating my inner thoughts, fears, anxieties with anyone let alone my wife.  I walked the mall for a couple hours, sat through a couple movies, all the while trying to figure out how to break the news to my wife and survive the ensuing fury I expected would follow.  I finally got home about 7pm without a plan.  When I walked in my wife was standing at the kitchen sink with her back to me washing dishes.  I took a deep breath and, with refinement and class befitting actor David Niven, blurted out “I quit my job” ……… and braced for impact.

She calmly turned around, looked me in the eye and, with all the grace and elegance of Princess Diana, said “It’s about f***ing time!”

I learned a valuable lesson that day, though it has taken me many years since to realize it.  She knew, even before I did, what the job was doing to me.  She had the wisdom to let me come to the crossroads on my own and make my own choice.  And she had the strength and compassion (still does) to stand by me and share the struggle all these years.  Ever since then I spend most of the Holiday Season with my family and very little time at the office, and it's all good.  

The lesson ? ……… share everything with those you hold dear.  They may not always agree with you or understand you, but they love you and will go through Hell and back for you just the same.  And they have earned the right to make that decision for themselves.  An added bonus, they might just be able to offer valuable perspective when it is needed most.  

So, to my wife and children ...... “I may never be able to take you to the Moon, but I can hold you close while we gaze upon it together and dream”.

j.d.