"C" is for ...........

Choices.

Coffee, Tea …… or A.D.D. ???  When traveling one typically has choices.  You can drive your car, ride a train or bus, board a boat or fly in a plane.  Most modes of transportation also offer you choices.  There’s First Class, Business Class, Coach and (in some countries) Baggage or Roof.  Depending on which class you choose (or can afford) you have choices for your in-transit meal.  And most over the age of 50 can recall the oft-used flight attendant’s sexy pick-up line “Coffee, Tea …… or Me?”   Of course this only happens in low budget movies but WOW, what a choice!  Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a choice of whether or not we wanted to live with ADHD?  I sometimes fantasize about a life without ADHD and its inherent challenges.  In my fantasies I’m happy, successful, prosperous and popular.  I have a perfect, loving family ……… actually that part is closer to reality, the “loving” part anyway.  I have time to pursue my passions ……… I have passions!  I’m never anxious or worried about anything I did or didn’t do.  I don’t have any problems and not a care in the world.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the air is sweet …… life is grand.  Then reality (looking remarkably like the late comedian Sam Kinison) slaps me across the face and screams “SNAP OUT OF IT!”  Talk about harsh …….

Ahhh, the harsh reality of ADHD.  We are born with this condition and it will be a constant companion throughout our entire life.  There is currently no cure for ADHD and you won’t grow out of it.  And one of life’s cruel jokes is that most people will never even know they have it.  I know that everyone has a particular cross to bear, and this is ours.  So, what do we do about it?  Well first you need a small stroke of luck, that someone who cares about you suspects that you may have ADHD or something else that will send you to a person able to identify your condition.  Trust me, you really don’t want to be “misdiagnosed” on this one.  There are several neurological conditions that can present similar to ADHD and there are others that often co-exist or mask ADHD.  So the first “choice” you must make is to seek the advice of a medical professional.  There is no stigma in this and you can only benefit.

Since the subject of this post is “choices” I think a good place to start a candid discussion is with a question.  And the obvious one, “What are my choices?”, that ain’t it.  The biggest question we must answer, and oddly enough the most difficult, is “How do we choose?”  I remember how difficult it has always been for me to take tests.  It didn’t matter what the subject of the test was, or how important it was that I pass it.  It didn’t matter if it was an academic test, an employment test or a driving test.  And it really didn’t matter how well I knew the material I was being tested on.  The most difficult part of the test for me was just getting through the question!  If the question was more than a half dozen words I would often need to re-read it several times if I hoped to be able to answer it correctly (maybe this is why I always lost college drinking games?).  And even then it often was a crap shoot.  Still, I did better on multiple choice than essays (unless the topic was “stream of consciousness” writing).

Over the past few years I’ve learned I’m often much better at solving a particular challenge, or answering a specific question, than I am at preparing a presentation.  All the knowledge is in my brain, I just have difficulty accessing it much of the time.  It’s kind of like the game show “Jeopardy”.  Ask me to tell you everything I know about 20^th Century American Literature and my likely response will be a blank stare as my mind spins out of control.  But ask me a specific question about the subject and the answer is often automatic, from the gut.  (By the way, my wife keeps telling me I should get on “Jeopardy”).  So it’s important to have an understanding about how you process information, how you learn and later access that knowledge, before you can address the next question “What are my options?”  To do this you’ll have to look back over your history with an honest and, most importantly, non-judgmental eye.  Judgment and self-chastisement has no place here and will only inhibit any progress.  As for myself, I have found this process more “feeling” than logic.  While I tend to process knowledge logically, like most of us are taught in school, I have found that many of my successful “choices” these past few years have been made from the gut.  They feel right, though I can’t always explain why.  And most of the time they’re right on the money. 

If you can successfully navigate your way through the first two choices there is a dizzying array of alternatives and options beyond.  This may seem daunting at first, and may discourage many from even trying, but take heart.  Each successive “choice” you make will cut the number of future options, narrowing the focus just a bit more.  And with each choice made, successfully or not, it gets just a bit easier to make the next one.  Is it possible that at some point the “choice” well can run dry?  I think the Buddhists call that Nirvana …………we call it peace and quiet.

j.d.

"D" is for ..................

Depression.

Over the past several weeks some of you have posted comments asking “where did you go?”  Fair question considering this is my first post since the New Year (Jan. 4^th to be precise).  Almost 2 months to the day but I hope you will cut me a little slack, February is a short month.  So if you have been following from the beginning you are witness to me falling down yet again.  I promised a post every couple weeks on a different topic of interest and, for several months, I held up my end.  But as will happen to those of us living with ADHD, there is always something in our path waiting to trip us up.  Some of these “obstacles” I have talked about in prior posts.  Fortunately for this blog the obstacle this time was one we haven’t really talked about yet, so you don’t have to endure me rehashing old material.

There are many ways to define “depression".  According to the popular website “WebMD” (http://www.webmd.com) the most common types are Major Depression (often called Clinical Depression) and Chronic Depression (also known as Dysthymia).  Then there is Seasonal Depression and Manic Depression.  And there are many distinct classifications and sub-types within each that exhibit different symptoms (or combinations of symptoms) and respond to different treatments.  By the way, the last two are more correctly referred to respectively as Seasonal Affective Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.  If pressed I don’t think I could adequately explain the difference between a “depression” and a “disorder”, so on that I will defer to more qualified professionals.  But we are all familiar with the term “depression” in some form or other.  It has become so mainstream that you can’t watch your favorite sit-com these days without being assaulted by ads for various pharmaceuticals aimed at combating some form of depression.  They cover the spectrum from A to Z ………… from Adapin to Zoloft (you thought I was kidding didn’t you?).  

“Feeling depressed?  Ask your doctor about [insert drug name].  You’ll be glad you did.”  

Do the marketing gurus really believe that modern medicine has evolved to the point where the patient is self-diagnosing and the doctor is just an order-taker?  What’s next, a drive through window at “Glaxo In The Box”?  Or perhaps “Baxter King”?  No wait, I’ve got one better ………… wait for it ………….”Merk-Donalds”!   I’ll leave the obvious slogans to your imagination.  I hope you can forgive my cynicism but I’m sure there are more than a few of you that share my feelings.

But I digress.  Let’s go back to depression.  In my oversimplified book there are two forms of depression.  One is physiological, caused by a chemical imbalance in the body/brain.  The other is psychological, an emotional response to our perception of our own existence.  The former can often be tested for, diagnosed and treated by a qualified medical professional.  It also has a tendency to be co-morbid with ADHD which can make it more difficult to treat.  The latter is much harder, in my personal experience, to identify and treat.  And the treatment process can be so frustrating at times that it adds to the depression rather than lessen it!  This is a type of depression that most adults living with ADHD will endure at different times in their lives.  

I find it ironic that we chose the term “depression” to describe this condition.  I envision it like I am a ball rolling along a flat, level path.  Rolling slowly along at a constant sustainable speed in the direction of my choosing.  Then I encounter a place where the surface of the path has dropped, creating a depression.  (I wonder, if you're bipolar would it be a sinkhole?)  Sorry, I was momentarily distracted.  Anyway, I roll down into this “depression” in the path but as I roll up the other side I don’t have enough momentum to get over the lip and back onto the path.  I roll back down but no matter which direction I roll I just don’t have enough momentum to get back up and out.  Each time I try I lose a little more momentum until, eventually, I come to a stop at the bottom of the “depression”.  Somewhere along the path I allowed myself to be distracted enough to get off track.  And the further I got off track the more difficult it became to get back on track.  To pull from prior posts, I let a ball drop and inertia took over.  

Depression (not sure which form yet) is what I have been dealing with these past couple months, as I have dealt with it many times over my adult life.  Over the past few years I have done well in my struggle with ADHD.  I tried several different prescriptions, all of which met with varying degrees of success.  But with all of them I experienced side effects I was not willing to endure longer term.  I have a coach that I meet with every two weeks.  I have a small support network of laypeople and professionals.  I have various skills and routines that I have developed to help me manage life with ADHD.  And I have all my books, websites and research.  And though I have experienced several failures, they are punctuated by the many small successes I have recognized and acknowledged along the way.  Eventually, and not without help, I hope to exert enough force to get up and out of this depression and back on the path.  Time will tell.  I’m learning to be patient.   

There’s that “Zen” thing again ………….

j.d.

"D" is for ..........

Distraction !!!!

Whew, that was a close call!  But I’m back, if only for a short while.  It has been a couple weeks since my last post here and I almost let this slip away like so many things in my life.  Like many adults who struggle with ADHD I have many wonderful ideas screaming through my head almost continuously but most are lost in the clamor and chaos that defines my mind.  On the rare occasion when I am able to pluck one from the throng, I move into a state of hyper-focus and with laser-like precision, begin developing it toward its potential.

Until another idea comes along, distracting me from the task at hand.  Thus have many potentially wonderful visions faded into oblivion, unfulfilled.  And this one very nearly met the same fate.  But it has been granted a last minute stay and so is one step closer to realizing its full potential.  For the moment anyway.  It’s an uphill battle and for certain there will be many more distractions to deal with before it’s done.  And knowing that is half the battle.  The other half is taking things one small step at a time and counting each day you stay on task as a small success.  You will slip, it’s inevitable.  But it’s only failure if you don’t come back to it.  So this will be a rather short entry because I don’t have a lot of time today, its primary purpose simply to get me back on track (success).

I do have a good reason for getting off track though (don’t I always?) ……… it was the Holiday Season.  For me that is defined as the six weeks that begin before Thanksgiving and end shortly after New Years Day (when the kids go back to school).  For many years this was the worst, most busy time of year for me.  I worked for other people who had goals and agendas to be met, something I never seemed quite able to fully grasp.  So basically I got to see my family on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day because I was working 80+ hours a week trying to meet other peoples’ goals while they (the bosses) enjoyed time with their families secure in the knowledge that I and others like me were toiling away on their behalf.  

Then, about 15 years ago, I had an epiphany.  Actually, I just got really angry when my boss pushed a bit too far one day.  I decided I was not going to watch from the sidelines as my family grew old without me, and quietly quit my job to start my own consulting business.  I had just built a house that came with the customary oversize mortgage.  My wife had quit her job to be a stay at home Mom for our 6 month old son.  We had no savings to fall back on.  I had no client list to work with and no real plan for how this “business” would become reality.  And I had just quit my job, the only source of income we had.  What was I thinking!!! I’ll never forget those three days.  They were the longest three days of my life yet they seemed to flash by in mere seconds.  I decided on Friday afternoon that I’d had enough.  I went into the office on Sunday morning (when I was sure nobody would be there), cleaned out my office and typed up my letter of resignation.  It was short and to the point, careful not to point fingers or lay blame, stating simply that I needed a change and offered as much time as they required to close out any current business I was working on.  I left one copy on my boss’s desk and another in the mailbox of the company CEO to cover my ass.

When I came in Monday morning it was official and everyone knew it.  I said my goodbyes and left before morning coffee break.  Now for the hard part ……… how to tell my wife.  You see I was not much good at communicating my inner thoughts, fears, anxieties with anyone let alone my wife.  I walked the mall for a couple hours, sat through a couple movies, all the while trying to figure out how to break the news to my wife and survive the ensuing fury I expected would follow.  I finally got home about 7pm without a plan.  When I walked in my wife was standing at the kitchen sink with her back to me washing dishes.  I took a deep breath and, with refinement and class befitting actor David Niven, blurted out “I quit my job” ……… and braced for impact.

She calmly turned around, looked me in the eye and, with all the grace and elegance of Princess Diana, said “It’s about f***ing time!”

I learned a valuable lesson that day, though it has taken me many years since to realize it.  She knew, even before I did, what the job was doing to me.  She had the wisdom to let me come to the crossroads on my own and make my own choice.  And she had the strength and compassion (still does) to stand by me and share the struggle all these years.  Ever since then I spend most of the Holiday Season with my family and very little time at the office, and it's all good.  

The lesson ? ……… share everything with those you hold dear.  They may not always agree with you or understand you, but they love you and will go through Hell and back for you just the same.  And they have earned the right to make that decision for themselves.  An added bonus, they might just be able to offer valuable perspective when it is needed most.  

So, to my wife and children ...... “I may never be able to take you to the Moon, but I can hold you close while we gaze upon it together and dream”.

j.d.

"C" is for ..............

Communication

Unless you are a recluse that has devoted yourself to a life of solitude you will frequently be required to communicate with others.  If this applies to you then please read on.  If, however, you are a recluse ….. well, you probably don’t have a computer much less an internet connection so it would be kind of pointless to tell you anything here.  But it would not surprise me in the least if you told me that an overly large percentage of hermits have ADHD.  I guess the solitude could be tolerable with all the voices in our head to keep us company.  

There are as many ways to communicate as there are people to communicate with in this world.  But all forms of communication have one common requirement, someone to be on the receiving end of the communication.  The most common form is verbal of course, which requires the receiving party to have functional hearing.  There’s visual, which requires sight.  Then, of course, there’s the written word ….. and pictures and movies and video and computers and internet and holographic imaging …….. the list is quite long and growing faster than I can type.  Another common requirement of communication to successfully occur is for both parties to share a familiar language.  Primitive Man grunted and gestured with various body parts.  Later he evolved and drew pictographs on cave walls.  Today we not only have many different languages spanning the globe but, depending on the geography, there might be several different dialects as well.  And some may bear little resemblance to the common language!  Add into the mix the various colloquialisms that are geographically unique and you begin to get a sense of what I would call the "Babble Effect".  

So given the many sensory and linguistic hurdles that exist you might agree that communicating with another individual could present a rather daunting challenge.  But we are ADHD, every day is a challenge.  We love challenge.  But wait ………. be careful what you wish for.  There is one additional aspect to communicating that, by itself, can present an insurmountable challenge to even the stoutest of heart ……………

Perception!

The definition of perception is “Becoming aware of something via the senses”.  So the way we perceive something is determined, even restricted, by how our senses function.  But even if we all had five fully functioning senses it’s not that simple.  There is another facet to our perception that is ever changing and evolving ………. experience.  With each experience we have in life our perception of the world around us is altered.  Most of the time these changes are so minute as to go unnoticed.  Sometimes they are huge and life altering.  So from the day we are born until the day we die our perception is continuously twisting, turning, changing with each experience we have.  We are creating a perception “filter” through which all future experiences must pass.  And therein lays the crux of the communication conundrum.  We don’t all have the same experiences.  Each of us is unique in countless ways, including our experiences.  Even if, at some point in our lives, we have an identical experience it will be different because our “filter” at that particular moment is different.

Thoughout our lives we are creating boundaries, walls if you will, that contain us.  But they also restrain us as well because we cannot readily see beyond them.  You can both have functional hearing, sight and speech.  You can speak and write the same language right down to the dialect and colloquialisms.  You can even have a common understanding of visual methods and gestures (use your imagination).  But if you have a different perception of the situation or circumstances ……... if you think differently ……… there is little hope that successful communication can occur.

Unless one of you is willing to move outside your box, to peek over the wall or around your filter and try to experience a different perspective.  This is not nearly as easy as it sounds, even if you are not ADHD.  It goes against our ego, our basic belief that how we perceive the world is how it exists ……. for everyone.  On the most basic level we all believe (though few will openly admit it) that our perspective is the best.  If there is one thing I have learned in my struggles with ADHD it is that my way is the best way …….. for me!  It may not be the best, easiest, fastest, most efficient way for other people because they are different.  Their knowledge and experience and skill set is different than mine and, whether my ego will accept it or not, my way may not be the best for them.  The worst boss/manager I ever worked with micro-managed down to the last detail.  His way of doing things was the best way, you couldn’t possibly find a better way.  He was right in one sense.   Considering the time and energy it took to argue with him it was always easier to just give in and do it his way.   

As you can imagine I didn’t last very long in that job.  But I did learn a valuable lesson that I have carried with me to this day.  If I ask someone to do something for me I try not to tell them how to do it.  I try to give them the end result I desire and leave it to them to accomplish the task in their own way.  So even negative experiences can alter our perspective in a positive way.  It just requires that we be willing to entertain the possibility that a perspective different from our own can exist.  We must be willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, even to be wrong.  We must find a way to peek over the walls of our “box” and be open to a new experience.  Meditation has been very helpful to me in this endeavor but it may not work for you.  But perhaps you already know that.  Perhaps you know a way that I have not experienced yet that could work better.  Perhaps you could share your experience, good or bad, so we can learn and grow together.  I’m standing on tip-toe peeking over my wall ……………………

j.d.

"C" is for ...........

Conditioning.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear someone use the word "conditioning"?  When I was a younger athlete it was the worst part of practice.  When I was in Florida it meant "cool dry air" inside.  Now-a-days the first thing that comes to mind is the rather vocal young woman on the Herbal Essence Shampoo commercials.  Now that's conditioning!  It screams out to all "wash your hair with this and have an instant orgasm"!!!  And you can do it by yourself any time, anywhere ....... even in the bathroom at work on your lunch break!  (If you get caught by the boss please leave my name out of it).


The marketing and advertising world has a profound understanding of the power of conditioning.  Through the centuries they have refined it to an art form with all the strength, durability and dazzling brilliance of a fine cut diamond.  But we all know about conditioning in this context.  In fact we can often resist the impulse to "buy it" precisely because we know their sole motivation is to separate us from our hard-earned cash as quickly and completely as possible.  Knowledge, or perhaps awareness, is our primary defense against this frontal assault.  Fortunately we become bored rather easily and the marketing geniuses are required to come up with "new and improved" ways to condition us.  So it is a constant psychological tug-of-war that keeps changing teams and playing fields in hopes of "winning".


But what if the conditioning was subtle?  What if it was done in such a way that we were not even aware it was happening?  What if it came at us from many different and unrelated sources?  And what if it was continuous and unwavering over an extremely long period of time, say 20 ........ 30 ......... even 40 years or more?  Just pondering the power of such a scenario sends a chill up my spine.  But this is the foe that an AWA (Adult with ADHD) faces on the battlefield of the brain.  And it is likely the most common cause of any failures we experience.  At the very least it is often a major contributor.


From the day we first open our eyes and let loose our first cry we are recording all of our experiences like a "nanny-cam".  But instead of just one input (video) we have up to 5 senses that we can record with (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell).  Often we record simultaneously with multiple senses, overlaying them in such a way as to compound the experience.  And any one of these "recordings" by itself can trigger a playback of the whole compounded experience either consciously, or sub-consciously.  A "conscious" playback would be a memory.  But a "sub-conscious" playback is a mechanism.  


When faced with a new experience there are only two options, we either react or respond.  They may sound like they are interchangeable terms but think about the context in which they are used ....... 


"He reacted to the medication"


"He responded to the medication"


There is definitely a difference.  Reacting tends to be more instinctual, automatic, often involuntary.  It is driven by past experience and/or repetition.  Our brain evaluates the new experience and compares it to past experiences we have had, formulating a reaction designed for survival.  The logic is that if it worked in the past it should work now.  But reacting does not allow time to consider whether the overall context has changed, or if our needs are the same as last time.  It is conditioned.  You might be surprised to learn that many of our "reactions" in adult life are driven by experiences we had as small children!  

Responding is more measured, thoughtful.  A response requires pause to consider both your needs and the context of the situation.  It weighs risks and possible outcomes.  It requires that you step outside the boundaries of conditioning and look beyond your own experience for a way to respond to the current situation.  Because of this, a response tends to be more positive, more satisfying, even if the eventual outcome is not what you desired.  With the possible exception of imminent "life or death" scenarios a response is almost always preferred over a reaction.

But throughout our lives we learn what is "normal" in society.  We are conditioned by example and through instruction from our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, bosses, coworkers ...... the list is long.  We are told we need to plan ahead, have goals, work hard, be disciplined, stay focused ...... any of this sound familiar?  The way we are taught in school places an emphasis on time and deadlines.  Our lives revolve around schedules (work week, trash pick-up day, payment due dates).  If we don't conform and perform according to "normal" expectations then we are labeled.  You know the terms ..... lazy, absent-minded, undisciplined, irresponsible, immature, etc.


It is difficult to "condition" a behavior in children.  Just ask a parent.  It can take months or even years to do so effectively.  And it is much harder to change it once it becomes habit, even if it's for the better.  But to change a behavior in an adult, when it has had decades to root and take hold can be an insurmountable challenge.  This is the conditioning the Adult with ADHD must overcome.  And this is why it is so important to identify ADHD early in life.  Not only so there are less years of conditioning to overcome, but so that the conditioning process can be appropriately adapted to be most beneficial for the child.  How we teach our children now will determine how they learn throughout their lives.  It will set the stage and provide the tools needed not only for personal growth but ultimately for teaching future generations how to respond to life's challenges.

j.d.

"C" is for ..............

Setbacks


Wait a minute, what happened to " C "?   Before you Start slinging more questions at me than I can possibly answer please remember, I have ADHD.  And with that comes a propensity to change things up mid-stream ......... often.  I don't offer this as an excuse but rather a feeble attempt at explanation.  For with awareness of the condition, and determination for change, comes a setback or two ........ hundred .... per day.  Or so it feels much of the time.  And this weekend I had another.  But it was different than what I've become accustomed to.  It was really subtle and I had to think (translation = "feel") a lot before the light went on.  It's not a bright light, just enough to be able to see my way if I squint real hard, but a light none the less.


It was the end of an incredibly stressful week.  You know the kind, where nothing goes as planned, you're in constant demand and you're expected to be more flexible than Gumby in a sauna?  Or so it seemed to me.  Finally it was almost over on Friday evening.  I had just finished a meeting in which I promised to have revisions to financial statements turned around by Monday.  It was a good meeting (one success) and I was wiped out and ready to crash.  I had done good by not over-promising (revisions over the weekend would have been the norm).  Another small success.  Then I got a second wind and decided to get the revisions done while they were fresh in mind (yet another success?).  I had made copious notes (another small success which has become habit) and could have easily completed the work Monday morning but I thought it would be nice to not have it nagging in the back of my mind all weekend (another success?).  It would be really nice to be able to focus on stuff I wanted to do at home for a change without worrying about work.  I got the revisions done, emails sent and went home feeling relaxed for the first time this week.  I was going to bask in my success .......


Well it sounded good in my head.  Now it's Sunday night and I've spent most of the weekend doing, well, I can't really remember and I'm feeling confused and a bit queasy.  It felt like no matter how hard I tried to do what I wanted to do I couldn't quite get myself to do it.  I thought that was only supposed to happen with things I "had" to do?   Like work or finances or family or ......... Groan!  There's that feeling again, anxiety.  Because I didn't do what I wanted?  But it was leisure time I missed.  Relaxation, hobby time, the stuff you do to relax that it doesn't matter if you finish or stick to a schedule.  It's a "journey" thing, you're not really supposed to actually finish it are you?  Aagh!!!

Sometimes Zen can be really frustrating!  But I'm keeping the faith.  I meditated on it for a couple days and I think I came up with something.  For quite some time now I've been working hard at keeping on top of the usual suspects (work, finances, family obligations).  Most, if not all, the failures and upheavals in my life have been in these areas.  The resulting fallout over the years has consumed all of my attention and energy leaving precious little for much else.  So you could say I've been rather vigilant in this respect, pouncing on them if they show even the slightest hint of "going astray".  This I would classify as an unqualified success in my battle with ADHD.  An unanticipated result of that success is that I have more time for "me", more time to spend doing things that I "don't have to do".  I've never really had much time for that, at least not where I was able to be fully engaged .... focused.  And if I did not get to do something for "me" it was always because I was dealing with the fall-out from the "other stuff".  So my ADHD was never able to visibly manifest in my subjective life.  Now I have the time and energy to devote to "me" and I've learned something new ........ ADHD is truly a neutral condition, an equal opportunity burden.  It will present an equal challenge in all areas of my life, for the rest of my life.  Yet again awareness has sneaked up on me and slapped me on the back of the head ......... and the light just got a little brighter.

j.d.

"C" is for .........................

Change


This is a big one.  When an adult learns they have ADHD, once they get past the requisite emotional reactions, they must begin formulating some kind of response to this life altering awareness.  There are only two possibilities .......

do nothing      or      Change.

Both are extreme responses with a vast expanse in between in which to swim ...... or drown.  Doing nothing is the easiest and most natural way for us to respond.  There are certainly no shortage of ways to distract ourselves from the stark reality that no matter how hard we may try we will never be able to conform to society's definition of "normal".  And our ability to resist succumbing to the most mundane distraction is weak on a good day.  But allowing ourselves to be lured away from the truth in such fashion is tantamount to "treading water".  And the fact is that no matter how long you can tread water eventually you will need to be rescued or you will sink and drown.  The only real variable here is whether or not you will have any company on the way down.


In keeping with this metaphor, change would be swimming.  But in which direction?  Which way will lead to success and a better life?   This choice, in hindsight, is the biggest challenge.  While you're trying to decide you must tread water, leaving yourself vulnerable to distraction.  So what is the answer to the "direction" question?

It doesn't matter......JUST START SWIMMING!


But what if you head out in the wrong direction?  It doesn't matter, you can figure it out as you go.  You can change direction.  You can even choose later to stop and tread water again, though I wouldn't recommend it.  A basic principal of Physics states that a body at rest will tend to remain at rest while a body in motion will tend to remain in motion ...... until acted upon by an outside force.  To overcome the inertia of either state, to move an object at rest or to stop an object in motion, requires the greatest amount of force.  Significantly less force is required to change the speed or direction of an object while in motion.  The object is obviously you.  The outside force here is choice.  Even if you make the wrong choice when you start out, the laws of physics would suggest it's easier to change direction while you are moving.  I remember learning to drive a stick shift in my Uncle's old shop truck which had no power steering.  It took both hands on the wheel, both feet planted firmly, and all my considerable body weight to turn that wheel while at a stop.  Interestingly enough once the truck was moving I could steer easily with a light touch of one hand.  Physics in action my friends.


Those of you who have been following me these past few months know that I have been struggling with ADHD all of my life, though I only became aware of it about 3 or 4 years ago.  When faced with the "choice" I opted to swim.  This choice was a bit easier than it might have been as I had the support of my therapist/coach, the individual responsible for facilitating my awareness.  As I began to tread water he, in his own subtle way, coaxed me into moving.  And shortly after I made my first wrong choice, the first of many ......... and I know there will be many many more before my time in this world is done.  I set out to affect major change in my life.  Once I decided to start swimming I set out strong and fast, eyes fixed hard on the horizon.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  Normally I would say that's a good thing, at least that's what I said a couple paragraphs ago, right? 

My mistake wasn't in my choice of what to do, but to whom it would be done.  I embarked on an educational odyssey, reading every book I could find, browsing every website.  I Googled and Binged so much I felt like Ricochet Rabbit on speed!  Whatever made sense (translation...was logical) I retained and discarded the rest.  I then took my new-found knowledge and proceeded to "educate" my family on why I am the way I am and what they could do to make life better for all of us.  If they could change the way they interact with me, be more aware of my "differences", be more patient and tolerant of my temper and moods..........


You get the point.  To most it would seem easier to change oneself than to try to alter the many people we interact with throughout our lives.  But from my perspective, I knew on some level that affecting tangible change in me ..... well, the odds were stacked severely against me.  And when was the last time you saw a "long-shot" win the race?  The challenge as I saw it was in the root of ADHD, attention deficit.  I read somewhere many years ago that it takes at least 30 contiguous days of repetition to form a lasting habit.  On a good day I might be able to muster 30 minutes.  What hope did I have of affecting a change in myself?  Much easier to toss the burden, along with an enticing benefit, to those with a greater chance of success, right?  Wow, was I ever wrong!  On so many levels there's not enough time or space to review them all here.  


After a time (and much coaching/therapy) I realized that I had to change.  But how?  My basement is piled with boxes of self improvement books and tapes and videos.  I've probably spent thousands of dollars over the years on programs to help me develop winning mindsets and successful practices.  Of all the posts on this blog I hope my wife misses this one.  One of her biggest complaints about me is that I never get rid of anything.  I'm a pack-rat!  I confess, guilty as charged.  (If she sees this I'll never hear the end of it).  But in my defense, when I do clean house I tend to throw the baby out with the bath water.  "Honey, I'm terrified I might accidentally throw you out with the boxes..."  


This led to another difficult decision for me, medication.  After much discussion with my coach, my doctor and a psychologist I decided to try pharmaceutical treatment.  But not as a permanent solution.  I was not ready to accept what in my eyes was defeat just yet.  My plan was to find a medication that would help me focus long enough to develop the habits and skills I would need to live successfully with ADHD.  Once satisfied that I could function satisfactorily without the meds I would discontinue them.  

Thus began a two and a half year odyssey over mountains, under oceans and everywhere in between.  There were successes and failures, benefits and side effects, elation and depression.  An inconceivable eternity that, in looking back, was little more than the blink of an eye.  I did eventually find a tolerable mix of medications that worked.  But I attribute much of my success to date to another difficult choice I made along this journey, to allow myself to lean on the support given by others.  While I am often quick to offer help to others I will seldom ask for it even when it's truly needed.  I am continually surprised at how willing others are to help without judgment.  It has been their steadying hand and encouragement that have often kept me moving.  And a few times when I felt beaten and just wanted to tread water, they swam with me or carried me on their shoulders for a bit.  The experience, though profoundly humbling, is also enlightening ....... Zen again. 

j.d.